DP - no means if you keep asking enough I will change my mind

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I am so frustrated by this, and we just booked a holiday with SC’s so I am worrying now this is going to be even more of a problem than it is becoming!

DP has small DC’s and he will often say no to something and offer a vague explanation of ‘later on’. Today I have just spent 6 hours listening to them ask him over and over for a number of things, and him just eventually give in. Like he will say ‘no I can’t carry you I have a bad back’ then 5 mins later pick DC up anyway.

I end up walking off as I am fed up the whole day has been dominated and revolved around these petty requests (normal for kids but not to this extent). I told him I am cross that they just keep badgering him for another answer and it is the only topic of conversation - so we are out for the day and instead of all being able to chat and look at things and have fun, we are basically just talking about this thing they want. Today it was a lollipop and a toy. DP said no to lollipop now, not now, you picked at your lunch and had plenty of treats today and let’s look for toys with pocket money.

The DC then spent the next few hours interrupting all conversations to ask ‘can I have lolly now?’ I asked DC to choose between keeping the item with them, and stopping asking, or handing it to DP to keep because they needed to listen that no means no. They said they wanted to keep it and stopped asking. DP and I reiterated when they could eat it, later at X point.

I left the area for 5 mins and came back to hear a DC asking THE SAME QUESTION can I eat it now?, and DP just calmly saying ‘no’. If it was me I would have taken it off them hours ago and just put it out of sight, but it’s almost worse they still have it, because they obsessively fixate on it. I even end up saying to him OMG just let them have now so we don’t have to keep talking about this thing. It is crazy making and day ruining and I don’t know if I am just being a grumpy old cow or not? WWYD?

Bit dramatic, I don’t think it’s that deep. They just want to eat the lollipop because it’s right in front of them.

I think they just want the lollipop tbh and DP is a soft touch. They always have stuff that’s in reach but they can’t quite have it and that frustrates them

Your DP sounds like a bit of an idiot to be honest. And why is he buying sweets all the time?

Parents who don’t mean it when they say no should just say yes in the first place.

I would like to know why he is always buying sweets too. I am going to ban sweets from our travel time on holiday and ask him to buy normal, non obsessive foods for everyone to enjoy such as fruit or crackers/snack type things. He did hold out with the lollipops and they got them much later on, because I had called him a soft touch he stuck it out. I said it wasn’t worth the torture it has caused all of us and I didn’t appreciate the day being controlled by fucking lollipops so could he please either just give them to the DC or hide them until he was prepared to let them.

He likes to treat them I think, but is creating a monster. They often won’t eat their normal dinners, and usually this is because he gives them a gallon of blackcurrant squash or even chocolate milk at dinner time! I end up baulking at this situation and questioning what is going on in his brain. His parents are major feeders and they all offer everyone 1.5 million options - for instance a lot of meals involve adding bread, which is also another bulky filler and these kids just drink a pint of milk and 4 slices of bread then we all have to sit watching them struggle to eat a child sized portion of more carbs and meat.

Those kids are going to end up with disordered eating if he continues to be so controlling about when/how much they eat. Most likely a binge eating disorder.

It's fair enough to say save it till after dinner/tea etc, but a single lolly given by a friend isn't going to spoil their tea.

He has disordered eating so I kind of agree. I am a fatty myself and really trying to lose weight and he is my nemesis in this way. I think my DC have plenty of treats themselves but less options, so breakfast just 2 normal options and meal time drinks of water and then I just don’t buy what I don’t want them to eat. If I buy biscuits now and they get eaten I don’t go out and get more straight away. Problem with the lolly was they just had an ice cream so I don’t think it was unreasonable to say no, but he should have taken it off them

Bit off topic but you've been together 4 years and he has a 2 year old with someone else?

I completely relate with this though, it's very frustrating. I understand the wanting an easy life and 'pick your battles' but all it does it send mixed messages in my opinion. Most adults would push their luck if they thought there was a chance the answer would change with enough persuasion and badgering.

No year 2 and 4 at primary school they are not 2 and 4

to be clear I honestly am not mad at the kids, all 3 of us are being tortured 😭

Yup - I think this is more likely Disney parenting and the kids realising if they go on and on they’ll get what they want.

This is how my DH parents my DSS and as the years have gone on it’s just got worse.

With my own DC no means no and if you go on and on to the extent we aren’t enjoying our activity we go home. I’ll say I don’t want to hear anymore about it but if you want to carry on we’re leaving. (we don’t ever go home, they quickly decide to drop it).

Thanks, I am going to try handling this in a different way because what happens is then I start to get the rage and try to talk to DP about it and then it becomes even more annoying.

We went out yesterday and I just didn’t enjoy any of it, it had the potential to be nice. He gave them money at the very start which always seems to go wrong as they will not stop asking to buy something until the money is all gone and he is trying to get them to ‘save it’. So he gave them £5 then expecting them not to actually spend £5. Wtf? He’s trying to teach them not to spend it all but it’s in their hand, just give them £3 and tell them £2 is at home? So we shuffled around at an incredibly slow pace with them whining and begging, looking at everything they didn’t have enough money for, or things that were absolute tat that he tried to talk them out of. Then we moved onto the lollipop situation.

We went out recently to an event, and I spent nearly the whole event by myself as the moment we arrived they started to beg for a toy and other different food from what we had already bought as a picnic. I was watching other children at this event and they were enjoying it so it wasn’t unrealistic. So eventually after I became tortured by this he took them off to buy these toys and different food and then they still complained and whined they wanted something more exciting so we ended up missing most of it to watch them play on swings nearby so they got an expensive day out to a park we could have just done for free at home.

Quite frankly your dp is a prick.
Was he brought up this way? Did his mother/father put his dinner in front of him and tell him he couldn’t eat it? Did they make him sit there waiting for hours until he could eat it?
Im with you op. Either let them eat it straight away or remove it from sight, say no and give a specific time why it can be eaten. At 9 the oldest should understand this.
I really feel sorry for the teachers who have to teach these kids when they have such shitty parents.

If he doesn't want them to have it now why is he letting them carry the lolly around? You dont give a child something to hold and not expect them to want it.
I'd put it away and if they ask too much say you can have it after lunch don't keep asking or you won't have it. Just saying later means nothing

I feel like he is trying to teach them something, about waiting/patience or saving money.

I don’t understand it though. If I give my kids ££ I expect they will probably spend it on things they want, and they have the option to save it if they want to but I’ve given it them so trying to convince them not to use it and then the coins are still in their pocket is another torture. Also DC don’t really fully appreciate the concept of time and waiting hours for something is going to be too difficult.

I don’t think he’s doing it to be a dick on purpose he's just got an idea in his head and he’s going with it because he thinks like an adult. Problem is though now you can’t go anywhere without them expecting to get bought something nice. He even asks them to help choose another child’s birthday present - this always is a disaster as they want a toy being in a bloody toy shop - I just go buy the gift in my budget alone then they help me wrap it up.

Nothing wrong with letting them choose a present for others but you have to clearly explain say no and mean it. Sounds like they know that no means keep on and you get it.

Awful parenting and awful for your children to be around too.

How on earth can you listen to such noise.

Rethink the holiday and the relationship.

Yeah kids are annoying… sounds normal to me.

Yeah, it's annoying with your own DC, when you make choices, consciously or unconsciously and then live with the consequences.

When it's someone else's choices, someone else's DC ... His approach would not work for me. I'd want to either keep his DC separate from our relationship or not be in a relationship with him. Soz.

I taught my DC how to save by giving them pocket money regularly. DC2 was never a problem, there wasn't a lot he wanted enough to warrant the spending of his money. DC1 in the other hand, for a good 18 months he had spent it instantly and even had it allocated in advance, knowing what he was going to spend it on. Then he started to realise he could never buy the better, more expensive items as he never had money, so started to home some back. Now, he has good savings and is about to start a part time job and has agreed to put 30% away for long term savings.

You can't teach DC how to save by giving them money somewhere exciting in an ad hoc basis. It's ludicrous!

You've been together 4 years - do you live together and if so how long have you been cohabiting? How often are his children with you? I guess you had a period at the beginning of the relationship when you didn't spend so much time with his children. Even so, I find it hard to understand why you've been with him for 4 years - I would find his terrible parenting a complete turn-off. Surely you can't blend families with someone like this. How old are your kids?

He sounds like an idiot tbh.

I don’t understand how you can stand this. A holiday? Are you sure?

I thought you were going to say they were aged 2 and 4 - not in years 2 and 4. I don't agree this level of pestering is normal for those ages. And DP sounds very Disney.

What does DP say when you try to discuss this when the children are not with you?