Boundaries with partners ex

[Anon1234567891011]

I really feel like I need some advice on this.

I have been with partner for 7 years and for the most part the boundaries between them and their ex have not been great. A lot of the time things wash because it’s easier than arguing. They have 2 children together.

I didn't meet the kids until a year after we got together, and things started off good, however quickly after I was really tarnished by his ex, the children would come to ours and say things such as I wasn’t their family and why was I coming on family outings. My partner brushed this off and said they were just kids and didn’t understand.

7 years on, the ex still does not seem to leave off, they are constantly calling or texting about irrelevant things and makes their presence known when my partner is on the phone to the children.

my partners child has a sports match to go to which is a final, and they have mentioned buying tickets for their other parent and grandparent as they have said they would to go, however by them going I know it will make me and my partner feel uncomfortable. I have spoken to my partner about this but they have said it’s their childs choice and that there is nothing they can do.

children are 9 and 15.

I do understand that decisions are made in the best interest of the children however I do feel it has only been mentioned to make the situation awkward. As this has happened previously at another event.

Am I being unreasonable by saying I would like his ex partner not to attend?

Regardless of any other behaviours YABVU to say you'd like the ex partner to not attend. That person is the child's parent and of course the child would like their parents there to see them in a final. You have to put your own feelings aside for this one and let the child enjoy the event with their parents and GPs.

A sports match final? You need to grow up to be honest, of course the child wants both their parents at such an important event!

Of course you can’t say their mum can’t attend. Just sit separately.

Honestly . You need to grow up. Asking the mother not to go because you'd feel awkward? Unfortunately. As part of step parenting there is a certain amount of give and take.. its shouldn't be that way but you don't have a right to dictate or ask her not to attend in the same way she doesn't with you.

I don't think you can reasonably say their parent can't go. Surely they have more of an interest in it than you do?

I feel that it is one sided though. My partner and I are never invited or allowed to go to events that include the child when it is not on our days. Sports day, parents evening, school shows. I have been at every training and match since the child started playing this sport, I am very interested. I just can’t understand why now it has become that she would like to be involved on something we do as a family during our time. Things are not amicable and that’s not from our side.

Ah so this is something that happens during your contact time and they're not normally involved, I see.

I see your point more now but still, I think you need to let it go. This event is about the child, you have the option of either avoiding her or not going.

The child wants their parents there and they have more of a vested interest than you. If you don’t feel comfortable then don’t go. This isn’t about you.

You need t let this slide. It's a stupid idea to battle over this.

It's the child's choice, not yours. If the child wants both parents there, then either you & DH go, and sit separately from the ex, or dh goes and you stay at home.

Why are you not allowed to attend events that aren't on your days?
How does someone physically stop you?
I can understand this sport is done on your contact time, but the mum still has a right to attend, it's her child, but that has to go both ways so you should be attending other events done on mums contact time.
It's only fair, and if mum tries to stop you, put your foot down and attend.

This isn't the hill to die on.

A lot of the time we allow it to slide because it is not worth the arguments that take place over it, it always comes back to my partner decided to leave. That and it would cause hostility during the event which as experienced previously is very obvious, that then causes the children to be upset so easier not to go than to go.

Kids aren't daft. They'll be well aware that you aren't besties with their mum. You just have to suck it up, avoid her and sit elsewhere. If you miss out on events because you don't want there to be an atmosphere then that's your choice, but unfortunately you can't control what his ex does. Don't try to work out why she's suddenly insisting on going. I've driven myself crazy trying to work out the thought processes of my DHs ex. I never will, you never will. She'll do what she likes for whatever reason.

Your partner needs to block his ex so she can't call or text all the time. Relevant communication via email only and he can set up a separate email for this so he's not getting constant notifications.

This is what we've had to do with my DHs ex.

Do the kids still say you're not family? Your partner should be sticking up for you instead of brushing it off. My DH has always had my back when his ex has been dripping poison into the kids ears.

Sports Days, Parents’ Evenings and school plays shouldn’t be owned by either parent: they’re on neutral ground and it’s in the child’s best interests to have both parents involved in school life.

If your partner’s not going, that’s his choice. You and he are equally as entitled to be at them as his ex and her choice of partner.

Be the adult. Accept that life’s not fair. Suck it up and when the kids grow up, maybe one day they will ask you how you felt about this. ONLY then can you discuss it.

Trying to block a parent from attending their child's sports match so you don't feel uncomfortable is not the hill to die on.

The child wants their other parent there so I think you would be unreasonable to overrule them. It's a shame they can't do the same for you but two wrongs don't make a right.

So deal with the actual problem, don’t play tit for tat.

Your partner should go to parents’ evenings etc. (not you) and he needs to make sure this happens.

You showing that you can very easily attend an event with both parents behaving normally and calmly will set a good example and precedent and hopefully pave the way to more joint events. But it is primarily for your partner, not you.

Sorry but I think you need to suck it up. And maybe take a step back from attending training/matches if you’d rather not go because as a step parent you’re only there to support the child , it doesn’t “earn” you any right to veto one of the parents swanning in for the big event. Frustrating I know, but it’s one of the major challenges of being a step parent - getting sucked into the grunt work then situations like this firmly reminding you of your actual place as not-their-parent!

This is a fight nobody will win because it's about the children who are probably being played by their mother into doing what she wants.
Let her win this one. You will be the better person for allowing it

How is your do prevented from going to parent's evening? Doesn't he just turn up? Surely he gets all the term dates and info from school?

Of course your dp can go to parents evening. There’s no such thing as not being allowed, if he doesn’t go then that’s his choice.

You don’t have the right to attend things like parents evenings tbh, but your partner sounds like a drip who is dressing up choosing not to be more involved in his children’s lives as the ex making things difficult.

And if you want to alienate the kids even further start asserting your own boundaries and requesting the ex, the child’s actual parent, not be there. Yeah, that’ll go down well.

@MayThe4th you have no idea. When the eldest went to secondary school she did not put his name down on the listing when little one started primary school it was the same thing. He has taken this up with the school but they have advised due to her being on as primary carer he cannot be put down without her agreeing. This has not been taken to court so has nothing legal behind it. He does not get notified of anything school wise only what is fed back from her or the children and it seems without going to court there is nothing that can be done with it. He has asked before to go to parents evenings only to be told that he isn’t needed there as she is going and can send reports through etc. He is not the problem here, if you read he has actually said if his child wants her there then why not. So not sure where you’re coming from with this but clearly you can’t read.

my partners child has a sports match to go to which is a final, and they have mentioned buying tickets for their other parent and grandparent as they have said they would to go, however by them going I know it will make me and my partner feel uncomfortable then you will have to be uncomfortable.