Page 2 | Boundaries with partners ex

Anon1234567891011 · 2023-05-09T11:27:10+00:00

I really feel like I need some advice on this. I have been with partner for 7 years and for the most part the boundaries between them and their ex have not been great. A lot of the time things wash because it’s easier than arguing. They have 2 children together. I didn't meet the kids until a year after we got together, and things started off good, however quickly after I was really tarnished by his ex, the children would come to ours and say things such as I wasn’t their family and why was I coming on family outings. My partner brushed this off and said they were just kids and didn’t understand. 7 years on, the ex still does not seem to leave off, they are constantly calling or texting about irrelevant things and makes their presence known when my partner is on the phone to the children. my partners child has a sports match to go to which is a final, and they have mentioned buying tickets for their other parent and grandparent as they have said they would to go, however by them going I know it will make me and my partner feel uncomfortable. I have spoken to my partner about this but they have said it’s their childs choice and that there is nothing they can do. children are 9 and 15. I do understand that decisions are made in the best interest of the children however I do feel it has only been mentioned to make the situation awkward. As this has happened previously at another event. Am I being unreasonable by saying I would like his ex partner not to attend?

tikkanaan · 09/05/2023 17:43

(Unless there's a restraining order)

GoldenFarfalle · 09/05/2023 17:53

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OhmygodDont · 09/05/2023 19:32

The child wants their mother there. That’s all that matters. It’s A sporting event the child actively wants her at.

If you partner really wanted to attend sports days and parents evenings he could and would. If he is on the birth certificate he has just as many parental rights and responsibilities as her. The school would add him.

roseheartfly · 09/05/2023 22:42

MintJulia · 09/05/2023 13:12

It's the child's choice, not yours. If the child wants both parents there, then either you & DH go, and sit separately from the ex, or dh goes and you stay at home.

This

adviceneeded1990 · 09/05/2023 22:52

Anon1234567891011 · 09/05/2023 16:47

@MayThe4th you have no idea. When the eldest went to secondary school she did not put his name down on the listing when little one started primary school it was the same thing. He has taken this up with the school but they have advised due to her being on as primary carer he cannot be put down without her agreeing. This has not been taken to court so has nothing legal behind it. He does not get notified of anything school wise only what is fed back from her or the children and it seems without going to court there is nothing that can be done with it. He has asked before to go to parents evenings only to be told that he isn’t needed there as she is going and can send reports through etc. He is not the problem here, if you read he has actually said if his child wants her there then why not. So not sure where you’re coming from with this but clearly you can’t read.

I’m sorry but I’m a teacher and this isn’t accurate. If he goes to the school office with a copy of child’s birth certificate he can be added as an additional contact, assuming he was married to the mother and has parental rights.

EllandRd · 09/05/2023 22:57

Of course YABU, that's their Mum, as if she is going to miss her child's final just because you are insecure.

Mari9999 · 10/05/2023 00:22

OP, most sporting events usually have some spread out seating. Why can't you just find seating that is not close to where the ex is seated. The point of attending the event is to support the child; the point is not to provide a comfortable experience for you if that means not having both parents in attendance.

The adults in this child's life should not be less mature than the child.

Navigatingthroughlife · 10/05/2023 06:25

I’d say there’s more to this and this is the straw that broke the camels back. For example saying you’re not our family and why are you attending family days out. Your partner should be pulling them up on that and say X is my family just because I see that as plain rude, if they feel that way fair enough but they don’t need to say it. I could be wrong but my assumption is if it wasn’t for all the other bits like unnecessary texting etc you wouldn’t even ask this question. I think the whole boundary and comment thing is a chat you need to have with your partner

LolaSmiles · 10/05/2023 06:35

You've got a partner problem. It's his behaviour and willingness to be spineless that's causing this situation.

You don't have to be best friends with his ex, but if his children are being rude to you he should be challenging it, if his ex is saying he can't have anything to do with the children's education he should be challenging it. I suspect he rolls over for an easy life

For the sports final it's obvious why the child might want their mother there.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 10/05/2023 06:48

Sorry but she is their mum, you're not. You can't say she can't go to her kids event, especially when the kid wants her there. It's not about you. It's about the child's wants.

Reasonableadjustments · 10/05/2023 06:57

Anon1234567891011 · 09/05/2023 16:47

@MayThe4th you have no idea. When the eldest went to secondary school she did not put his name down on the listing when little one started primary school it was the same thing. He has taken this up with the school but they have advised due to her being on as primary carer he cannot be put down without her agreeing. This has not been taken to court so has nothing legal behind it. He does not get notified of anything school wise only what is fed back from her or the children and it seems without going to court there is nothing that can be done with it. He has asked before to go to parents evenings only to be told that he isn’t needed there as she is going and can send reports through etc. He is not the problem here, if you read he has actually said if his child wants her there then why not. So not sure where you’re coming from with this but clearly you can’t read.

Is he on the birth certificate?

holaschicas · 10/05/2023 07:44

It sounds like the ex is BU in her behaviour. However, being in awkward situations as both parties have an interest in the child is just part of a step family.

I’ve had to sit next to the ex while she talked over/ignored me for the duration, I put up with it as DSC wanted me there.

You surely can avoid each other at a sports match too, stand/sit at opposite ends of the pitch?

This must have come up before in the last 7 years?

Laurdo · 10/05/2023 09:09

Navigatingthroughlife · 10/05/2023 06:25

I’d say there’s more to this and this is the straw that broke the camels back. For example saying you’re not our family and why are you attending family days out. Your partner should be pulling them up on that and say X is my family just because I see that as plain rude, if they feel that way fair enough but they don’t need to say it. I could be wrong but my assumption is if it wasn’t for all the other bits like unnecessary texting etc you wouldn’t even ask this question. I think the whole boundary and comment thing is a chat you need to have with your partner

This.

Perhaps some resentment that he defends the ex's right to be there (which he should in this case), but doesn't defend you when his kids are rude to you. That he sees her as family but not you since he didn't stick up for you when the kids said you weren't.

Reugny · 10/05/2023 09:17

Anon1234567891011 · 09/05/2023 16:47

@MayThe4th you have no idea. When the eldest went to secondary school she did not put his name down on the listing when little one started primary school it was the same thing. He has taken this up with the school but they have advised due to her being on as primary carer he cannot be put down without her agreeing. This has not been taken to court so has nothing legal behind it. He does not get notified of anything school wise only what is fed back from her or the children and it seems without going to court there is nothing that can be done with it. He has asked before to go to parents evenings only to be told that he isn’t needed there as she is going and can send reports through etc. He is not the problem here, if you read he has actually said if his child wants her there then why not. So not sure where you’re coming from with this but clearly you can’t read.

Even if you have a Child Arrangements Order things like education and health care/medical care are excluded from the actual enforcement part of the Order.

This is because they are covered under separate laws.

For your partner to be told he can't have information on the kids he is either not on the birth certificate, or was told BS. It is then up to him to turn round to tell the teacher or whoever "No I am the child's father and if you don't provide me with the information I am legally entitled to I will take it further" then complain upwards.

My own DP and some other fathers we know regardless of marital status have had BS from some healthcare care assistants, nurses, GPs receptionists, random nursery workers and random teachers but never from doctors, dentists, practice managers, nursery managers, headteachers and deputy heads.

Reugny · 10/05/2023 09:26

Oh and if your partner is not on his children's birth certificates then he needs to take steps to be added.

If the mother refuses to cooperate then he needs to apply to Court. (While he can go to a solicitor to do it, all the fathers groups will tell him exactly what to do so he can do it himself.)

https://www.gov.uk/adding-fathers-name-birth-certificate

Being a wet lettuce and avoiding conflict with his ex won't help his children as his children have their own rights to have their father correctly recorded on their birth certificates.

Aila1880 · 10/05/2023 13:11

If you feel that strongly uncomfortable around them would it be better if you don't go but dad does.
It's sad, that's my circumstance at the moment, I dont attend anything of my ss. But the parents do and that's important for the kids

Daisydu · 19/05/2023 13:11

Anon1234567891011 · 09/05/2023 16:47

@MayThe4th you have no idea. When the eldest went to secondary school she did not put his name down on the listing when little one started primary school it was the same thing. He has taken this up with the school but they have advised due to her being on as primary carer he cannot be put down without her agreeing. This has not been taken to court so has nothing legal behind it. He does not get notified of anything school wise only what is fed back from her or the children and it seems without going to court there is nothing that can be done with it. He has asked before to go to parents evenings only to be told that he isn’t needed there as she is going and can send reports through etc. He is not the problem here, if you read he has actually said if his child wants her there then why not. So not sure where you’re coming from with this but clearly you can’t read.

That’s a load of shit. The school cannot refuse to give dad information, add him to the email list, refuse him to pick them up ect, if he had parental responsibility for the kids he has equal rights. So he needs to get on to school about that.

my dp has a similar ex, she tells their child we’re not his family, our kids arnt his proper siblings ect.. it’s pathetic I know.
she also tried to stop him picking their child up from school once, but school told her they couldn’t stop him taking the child as he had parental responsibility and they couldn’t see any safeguarding reason as to why he shouldn’t. She also didn’t put him down as father or anything with school, so he phoned and told them to put him down and they did. I actually think you’re dp just isn’t that bloody bothered tbh