Do some families just not blend :(

[Anon862]

My partner and I both have a child each from previous DSS is 11 and DD is 9 & we have an 18 month old DD together. DD 9 lives here full time and doesn’t really see her dad (his choice that’s another story) DSS stays every weekend & every school holiday extra mainly all week usually. I have absolutely no problem with this at all but just feels like it’s me and the girls and my partner and his son. We don’t feel like a family. I truly admire how much he adores his son I really do. But he worships and spoils him so much. I don’t expect him to treat my daughter the same although he is nice to her of course and I get he might feel bad he lives with the girls more not his son and the old extra treat. He is sweet with our little one at times but I do majority of looking after her all week and all weekend too. I just feel like he is happier just him and his son. Whenever he’s paid he’ll spend all his money on his son and not get our daughter anything (I don’t believe in loads of expensive presents and treats except sweets and cheap bits unless it’s a birthday / Christmas really). He dotes on him all weekend baths him and runs around after him for his every need when at 11 there’s plenty he could do for himself now. I don’t mean to sound like a jealous stepmum I try really hard to keep everything equal for them all I buy bits out the charity shop for 1 I get them all something all week. Does anyone else feel like this in a similar position or have any advice. Feel really down about it atm.

This isn't not blending, this is favouritism and him treating your shared DD like crap. I would give him an ultimatum or leave.

Lots don't blend. Most, in my experience. It makes perfect sense that people treat their own children different to other children, and its a recipe for disaster to live full time with a child that is not yours while only seeing your own at weekends. It's not natural.

But surely you knew that he was like this before you had a child with him? It must have been obvious then. Why did you have a joint child together to make everything worse?

OP I have questions...

How long have you been together?
Is it your house or jointly owned?
How long has this been going on?

Been together nearly 5 years and he’s always had a strong bond with his son but whether I didn’t see it before or it’s got more noticeable older he’s got. It’s like he won’t let him grow up. I have a really good relationship with ex as well we get on so so well. She agrees with me he babies him far too much for his age. It annoys her too!

Oh it’s a joint rented house. Iv tried to make everything fair as possible they even all have their own bedroom here.

Disney Dad alert

I think it’s normal that an 11 year old needs more spent on them than a 1.5 year old though. Can he change access as at the moment he’s having all ‘leisure’ time with his son rather than doing the drudge work of school and homework

I wonder if he is feeling guilt and that is why he is over generous with his son. If everything else is good then I think you need to have a conversation with him and tell him how you feel

He is a guilt ridden dad, ignoring his second child to appease his first family. Be vigilant that he does not treat your joint DD as second class - she will notice as she gets older.

Hes bathing his 11 yr old son? That's definitely odd. Odd that the son even tolerates it!

He baths his 11 year old son? Sorry but that is all kinds of wrong, he's almost a teenager! No way would my son have let me in the bathroom at that age.
Babying, spoiling and worshipping your child is not good parenting. Time for a grown up conversation.

She can't be vigilant...of course he's going to treat a child who is not his different to one who is his. She is in effect "second class" to him.

Unrealistic expectations like this are one reason so many "blended" families just don't work. It's bizarre to expect him to treat his partners daughter as if he is his own.

@shammalammadingdong She means their shared child - the 18m old.

Oh ok, my bad.

But still, its not a question on vigilance. She can't make him act how she wants with any of the children. That's not how it works.

All I really want is all of our children to be treated equally with time, love and treats. I know his son lives with us less but in my eyes that isn’t the girls fault. My partner wanted another I just wonder if he overlooked how he was going to feel about living with one of his children & not the other. Or whether it’s because she’s a girl. My SS’s mum buys him plenty of treats too. I can’t do anything about that & my older daughter understands that bless her she never says a word. His ex and I parent quite similarly to me tbf she’s stricter on him at home Iv seen them together plenty of times. I just feel like he can’t say no to him and he seems happier when he’s just him and his son. I didn’t see this before because I just saw him as a great dad (he’s a great stepdad too) & I stupidly thought would be the same with our own. I know he loves her I just feel he prefers his son :( maybe it’s me in the wrong I don’t know.

Is he rubbish with your 18mo DD when his son isn't there?

Have you asked him? The little one is too young to notice yet but will eventually. It’s your daughter I feel sorry for tbh. Especially if yours is her only household. You need to start prioritising her.

Is there something you are not telling us about his son OP? I mean..my grandson is 12 but when he was 11 no way would he have allowed anyone see him naked let alone be bathed!

Tell him if he’s only interested in the kids he doesn’t live with full time you can make that happen.

You run the risk he’ll still only bother with his golden son but that’s better than your younger one growing up knowing her dad lives for EOW and can’t be arsed with her. M

You be seen man doing thsi with their sons only even in nuclear families so maybe your partner is a bit misogynistic and give preferential treatment to the boy ?

He baths his 11 year old? sorry did i read that wrong ?

OP, you seem to be fairly casual about the most troubling aspect of his behavior. He is bathing an 11 year old child. If the child does not have an exceptionally or disability this is questionable on so many levels.

DH and I have been together 22 years, married for nearly 20. Our DDs were all teens when we met. His DD has not seen my DDs since our wedding and only rarely before that. She chooses to have no relationship with me and I am deliberately and very obviously excluded from DH's relationship with his DGS, who I am not allowed to be on my own with.

It's certainly not what I expected.

Thats not particularly troubling. That's not what OP is concerned about

I've been with my husband and his son (almost 16) for coming up to 5 years, and honestly, it's only been the last year that we've properly blended.

We have a toddler together, and I have daughters of my own that are teenagers. My DSS lives with us as his mum passed away when he was young.

Before the last year we were very unblended, it was very much me and my girls and him and his son, but it's very different now. Last Christmas my DSS spent the whole day hanging out with us, my family, my daughters, and after we went to bed, all the teens stayed up watching movies together, and that's the first time that's ever happened.

For the last 3 months or so my relationship with my DSS has also come along in leaps and bounds. We have a much more natural relationship now, we can talk about things, I love him and I know he loves me.

I don't know if it was just time for everyone to get used to the situation, or the kids getting older and maturing, but things can change for the better, even if doesn't seem like they ever will.

My husband doesn't treat his son especially different to the other kids though.