Do some families just not blend :(

[Anon862]

My partner and I both have a child each from previous DSS is 11 and DD is 9 & we have an 18 month old DD together. DD 9 lives here full time and doesn’t really see her dad (his choice that’s another story) DSS stays every weekend & every school holiday extra mainly all week usually. I have absolutely no problem with this at all but just feels like it’s me and the girls and my partner and his son. We don’t feel like a family. I truly admire how much he adores his son I really do. But he worships and spoils him so much. I don’t expect him to treat my daughter the same although he is nice to her of course and I get he might feel bad he lives with the girls more not his son and the old extra treat. He is sweet with our little one at times but I do majority of looking after her all week and all weekend too. I just feel like he is happier just him and his son. Whenever he’s paid he’ll spend all his money on his son and not get our daughter anything (I don’t believe in loads of expensive presents and treats except sweets and cheap bits unless it’s a birthday / Christmas really). He dotes on him all weekend baths him and runs around after him for his every need when at 11 there’s plenty he could do for himself now. I don’t mean to sound like a jealous stepmum I try really hard to keep everything equal for them all I buy bits out the charity shop for 1 I get them all something all week. Does anyone else feel like this in a similar position or have any advice. Feel really down about it atm.

Aside from the weird bathing of a pre-teen issue, I think you've got a Dad who has worked out that entertaining an 11 year old is waaaay easier than a 1yr old.

So he ignores one DC because he makes himself busy watching the easier child.

A 1 year old needs lots of supervision, nappy changes, a buggy etc, but an 11 yr old is simple by comparison.

Next time he wants to head out with his son, pass him his daughter and tell him he's spending time with both of them today. He's just shirking his responsibilities for an easy life.

‘He prefers his son :( maybe it’s me in the wrong I don’t know’

Really? You think you might be in the wrong? That’s awful, you really need to raise your standards and set a better example to your daughters. You sadly picked a Disney dad and your kid with him is being discarded over his male child.
I don’t believe in ‘blending’- it’s just making kids live with a parents new girlfriend/boyfriend. Very very rare would that be centring and prioritising the kids. Your boyfriend sounds awful and a huge weirdo-bathing an 11yr old 🚩

(I have a step parent. Still don’t think ‘blending’ is a child centred, positive thing 99% of the time)

He bathes his 11 year old son?! Really? He has no disabilities? My 9 year old bathes herself and wouldn't want me in the bathroom. Her older sibling did the same around that age too. That's bizzare. I wouldn't like the favouritism, because it will get alot worse in the future and your girls will notice and be hurt by it. You have to talk to him about it.

It's time for a grown-up conversation about this. It sounds like you have a great relationship with his ex, so perhaps she can reinforce from her side, too.

Don't be fobbed off with any snipes about you not wanting his son to feel welcome etc. Emphasise that you support the 1:1 time they have and that his son will really benefit from time spent together - not stuff. Also, his son should spend time with your baby.

But outside of 1:1 time, he needs to pull his weight with the rest of the family. You're simply asking for better balance and it's totally reasonable.

Whenever he’s paid he’ll spend all his money on his son

This jumped out at me, too. Is he covering his share of joint costs and spending all his disposable income on his son? Does this amount to you picking up all the extras for the rest of the family?