Birthday gifts and treats etc

[TakingTheCake]

So I am not sure how to handle this.

I have DSD who is about to turn 9, and DD who is about to turn 4. Their birthdays are close together. DSD is here 50/50.

I am quite sensitive about birthdays as mine were quite inconsistent growing up, so possibly overthinking this, but would like some advice.

I do quite a lot to make every birthday special, lots of decorations and make a nice cake of each girl's choosing, and am quite generous with gifts. I probably have overcompensated with DSD gifts as being a SM I am quite sensitive to not wanting to seem mean.

Thing is that SD gets a lot more for birthdays. Her mum's'family are a lot more well off, so she gets several hundred pounds of toys, the same again in cash, several meals out, and usually a trip out to a theme park. She is also from a bigger family on her mum's side, the only child of her generation, so gets a lot there also.

My issue is that my DD has now started noticing the difference. DSD talks about the money she has and what she is getting for birthdays etc, which is normal and fine. But it's very obvious that she will get a lot that my DD won't. I have explained to DD that DSD gets more as she has two homes, but this is not just a bit more!

Part of me thinks I should start taking DD for some kind of birthday day out/treat, as DSD gets these with her mum. I also wonder if I should give DD a bit of spending money on her birthday as she gets a lot less from others - my family, friends, colleges etc don't give cash. Which again is normal and fine but DSDs mum's do.

But then I would have the issue of feeling like I need to do an additional day out for DSD birthday, and give her cash, so I am not being preferential.

Honestly I probably give more gifts than is financially comfortable as DSD does have quite high expectations, especially as she used to me an only child here, too!

What would you do?

Tbh I would rein in what you do for DSD, rather than increase both

Me and DP are both quite against spoiling kids and we try not to lose sight of the fact that we are raising a future adult who we want to be pleasant and have positive values, not just treating a poor victim SC as much as we possibly can. We too feel like his expectations are too high, and we aren't going to contribute to that. So if you know she's going to be absolutely lavished with gifts and money elsewhere, I wouldn't do the same as well. A few simple gifts should suffice.

Instead of trying to make sure everyone gets exactly the same from different individuals, I would focus on making sure it adds up to an amount that isn't detrimental to their character. If that means you're doing more for your DD because DSD is being showered with gifts elsewhere and the difference concerns you, just do it discreetly when DSD isn't there.

Your dd is 4, is she really that interested in money? You are probably overthinking this tbh.

My dss got way more material things than our joint children. He got from all sides, and his mothers parents spent a lot on him. Their extended family also all overcompensated. He lived with us so was very obvious to my children too. I used to worry how it would affect the others especially ds1 who was closest in age. I needn’t have worried about ds1, he took it all in his stride, understood the differences etc and whilst over the years he has wanted to shake his brother into realising how fortunate he is, he can just roll his eyes and let it be. They are both adults now.
It hasn’t been so good for dss though who became spoiled and entitled. He’s had a rough wake up in adulthood, even though his grandparents would still give him anything (and have bailed him out many times already until even they had to step back).
I would do things very differently if we could go back with dss. It was the adults fault fighting over him and giving him everything. He never had to choose or want anything, if he wasn’t given it by one family he was given it by another. That’s not good for a child.
Your dd will be fine, and don’t overcompensate with your dsd, you will be doing her no favours. It is however ok that you take dd out for her birthday as a treat with just you as dsd does with her mum. You don’t have to do it with dsd as well because she is already getting it. Fair doesn’t always mean the same.

@aSofaNearYou yeah I do think there is a negative impact with the sheer amount of money SD receives, they have also not brought her up to read the gift tags of who gives her each gift etc, and to say thank you. So I do think there is an issue around teaching 'it's the thought that counts', I do prefer to teach my daughter about what is behind gift giving rather than value gifts themselves. My DSD also ranks all gifts in order of preference which I also would not allow my daughter to do. So no, not the gift giving culture that I want to create, but DD definitely to young to appreciate that!

I do need to reign it in with DSD. Every year I say I will do less but she hints for different stuff etc and I usually give in.

I suppose I do need to think about my own values and what I am trying to teach. But hard when others approach is quite different!

@Mumof4alsoabonus I don't think DD would otherwise think/know much about money at this age, but she will see/hear DSD talk about it so she is aware

My DSD also ranks all gifts in order of preference which I also would not allow my daughter to do. So no, not the gift giving culture that I want to create, but DD definitely to young to appreciate that!

Yikes!

I imagine it's pretty common for SC to end up spoilt - I understand the temptation to overcompensate where they're concerned but I think it's best to try to remember that ultimately the best gift we can give any child is the tools to have a good life. Do we want them to grow up to be appreciative and likeable, or do we want them to be ungrateful and entitled, and crumble whenever things aren't handed to them on a plate. They will have a much better life if it's the former.

Perhaps this is an opportuity to share your values with your dsd. Maybe sit down and explain you have noticed how she is getting older and you wanted to give her more meaningful gifts. That you know how generous her extended family are.

So maybe arrange a time based experience that she can do as older. It won't be as quantifiable by value but by her having a special day.

Or start a collectable series that builds up? This could become the format for your daughter when she reaches the same age ?

I appreciate you were asking about your daughter but I still think you have time to be a positive influence on your dsd.

What does your partner think about it all?

Your step daughter is old enough for her dad to talk to his eldest about not bragging about what she's got etc. children get different things at different times that's normal. It's the showing off that's the issue.

Why are you going overboard for DSD. If her parent wants to he/she can. Your child deserves to feel special to you.

I do need to reign it in with DSD. Every year I say I will do less but she hints for different stuff etc and I usually give in. that's on you to have some self control

This.

You aren't her parent.

If you want to give your SD something worthwhile then give her experiences rather than tangible items. So start thinking out of the box on trips you can do or if you can afford it one off lessons/short courses.

You can then do the same for your own DD as she gets older plus give her some tangible items.

Btw my DD 4 gets so much stuff from people I've asked her adult cousins just to take her out in the year.

I think it's because she is really into her birthday so talks about it nonstop for months beforehand and I get caught up in it

I think he thinks I am a bit overly generous but he's a bit less worried if one gets more one year, eg if he sees something amazing for one of them he will get it but not worry about how it looks to the other. DSD would definitely notice any differences.

Maybe I could take DD for some kind of day out.

I definitely get that I'm not her parent, but all the birthday requests are very much directed at me! Yeah I think I am not teaching her a good lesson by giving in.

I can't really afford to do much in the way of activities e.g. theatre, horse riding lesson etc. Luckily DSD mum had started some of the more expensive collections at hers so there isn't an expectation of that... Although DD will likely start wanting some of the same!

I do think that the idea of giving something meaningful is a good one. I do try and do thoughtful gifts. I need to sort this before teen years when things get more expensive...

You can be preferential to your own child. It's up to your partner to even it out.

I like @Reugny 's post about experiences rather than stuff.

Also agree with PP about her learning that it's not polite or cool to talk about money.

It sounds like you need a complete reset on her birthday and to cut right back on gifts. She starts asking for things months before? Can you redirect her to her dad? Because it sounds like this is quite strategic on her part - and successful!

Yeah I am definitely being manipulated but she is really good at it!

I think I need to either redirect to dad, or get her to make a written list which she can edit herself in the months before

List works well at that age

I wrote list and then deleted it. I was thinking through how you could pick one or two items. But then thought she would make a list of massively expensive items.

How about a list of days out or experiences or lessons instead? Then you buy one thing she mentions during the months before.

We have this problem too. My step children get the same amount of money spent as our children together but they effectively get double because they get their mum spending the same amount of money. We've said as our children grow up we will spend the extra so all children end up with the same amount. For instance... my step child got an iPad so £150 from us and £150 from his mum. Well our children get £150 and wouldn't obviously get an iPad as no one else contributes but we have already talked about not letting our children miss out and we will spend the extra on them.
My step children get multiple day trips, meals out, pocket money, the constant streams on new clothes. we treat them all the same but as ours are only small still - they don't need the extra but as they grow up - we will make sure they don't get less overall.

So basically most people just seem to think that I need to rein in what I give to DSD rather than increase what I give to DD.

I do get it, and will try the list thing, or some experiences, or a collection.

And I could take DD for a day out or something special around her birthday.

I'm not going to be able to do much in terms of the manners/gratitude for gifts stuff. There are bigger behavioural issues which I draw a hard line about, so I tend to pick my battles so as not to be a nag.

I will be teaching my DD all of those things, so hopefully DSD will pick up on those.

So basically most people just seem to think that I need to rein in what I give to DSD rather than increase what I give to DD.

Yep.

I do get it, and will try the list thing, or some experiences, or a collection.

I wouldn't do a list just yet. Do experiences or a collection. Then once she's had 3 or more years of that only then do a list. This is to avoid her making a list where each item costs £1K+

I agree with ASofa, reign in what you do for DSD for a start.

And secondly, I wouldn't ever question what I wanted to do for my childs birthday. If you want to take your child out for the day and spoilt them a bit then absolutely you should do it. As you say, DSD gets the same from her mum so don't give it a seconds thought. Your child should be your priority.

This. It may be just a wrong impression from this thread but it comes across as DSD being massively indulged because of pester power. What's the point of this?

Far better if you and DH should set and protect your own standards and traditions for both children, rather then let them be driven by DSD or what she expects from her DM's family.

No you are not wrong, there is an issue of pester power. Even DH says I am a soft touch. I think it is my personal experience about having private disappointment around birthdays that makes me question myself.

But, posters here have given me a bit of perspective. The idea that my giving in to pestering is not good for SD in the long run gives me something to think about. I don't want to be mean, but it is uncomfortable the kind of pressure I feel, so it would be better if she were to find that being pushy about these things doesn't work. That is a "me" problem.