Birthday gifts and treats etc

[TakingTheCake]

So I am not sure how to handle this.

I have DSD who is about to turn 9, and DD who is about to turn 4. Their birthdays are close together. DSD is here 50/50.

I am quite sensitive about birthdays as mine were quite inconsistent growing up, so possibly overthinking this, but would like some advice.

I do quite a lot to make every birthday special, lots of decorations and make a nice cake of each girl's choosing, and am quite generous with gifts. I probably have overcompensated with DSD gifts as being a SM I am quite sensitive to not wanting to seem mean.

Thing is that SD gets a lot more for birthdays. Her mum's'family are a lot more well off, so she gets several hundred pounds of toys, the same again in cash, several meals out, and usually a trip out to a theme park. She is also from a bigger family on her mum's side, the only child of her generation, so gets a lot there also.

My issue is that my DD has now started noticing the difference. DSD talks about the money she has and what she is getting for birthdays etc, which is normal and fine. But it's very obvious that she will get a lot that my DD won't. I have explained to DD that DSD gets more as she has two homes, but this is not just a bit more!

Part of me thinks I should start taking DD for some kind of birthday day out/treat, as DSD gets these with her mum. I also wonder if I should give DD a bit of spending money on her birthday as she gets a lot less from others - my family, friends, colleges etc don't give cash. Which again is normal and fine but DSDs mum's do.

But then I would have the issue of feeling like I need to do an additional day out for DSD birthday, and give her cash, so I am not being preferential.

Honestly I probably give more gifts than is financially comfortable as DSD does have quite high expectations, especially as she used to me an only child here, too!

What would you do?

I can't do as another poster suggested and make up the coat that DSD mum spends for her dd, for my DD. She has a lot more income than me, and also a lot more help from family.

There is also the issue of appearances. My PIL join us for birthdays so I am conscious of them seeing me do 'less' for DSD, even though I don't, and I know DSD will get several times more in total.

This worry, plus the pestering and upping expectations here, does mean I end up doing more for DSD than I am comfortable with financially. And obviously has a knock on effect for DD expectations. And that's with knowing what DSD gets from the other side.

I think you need to stop having anything to do with her gifts tbh. You seem to struggle with a lot of pressures around it, especially now you've mentioned being worried about your in laws and overspending as a result. Nobody should question it if your DH takes the lead, even if DSD was yours he is an equal parent and equally capable of sorting out the presents.

This is a great solution. DH takes it all on and you have a chance to completely reset and step away from the pressure.

Your totally over thinking this. Ds gets loads from both family's. I tend to spend abit more on big end items now and again for the other two as they only have me and dh and our familes where as DS gets double. That been said DS does get big items now again more due to need like an xbox but it's not every year.