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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Step-mums are basically babysitters who love their Step kids.

39 replies

GetOffMyFace · 29/04/2023 18:33

Just that really. I love my DSD, she doesn't live with us full time but I aways make sure to include her in all family days out/trick or treating/family parties/special occasions. I take care of her more than her dad.
I love her like I love my own.
But.
I'm not allowed to actually have a say in anything important in her life, I feel like I'm viewed as just a babysitter who's voice is irrelevant. I have to step back and allow others to make terrible (in my opinion) decisions that (I feel) will negatively affect her. I see family members do and say things that impact her mental health but like I said...my opinion is irrelevant.

It's hard to hold my tongue, i mention things to my DP but he just doesn't seem to care as much :(
Sometimes it's little things like I wanted to give her the option to get a library book on the day he picked her up as I'd taken my bio kids a few days earlier after school to get books, but he couldn't be bothered with the effort (simply dropping her off with me down the road) and because she's his daughter his choices override my want for her to feel included. By time I got home the library would be shut (4pm, it's a small town library) and it's shut over the weekend so I couldn't take her.
Little things.
But sometimes it's bigger things...like unsupervised, unlimited time on certain social media apps on her phone. I know these things are unhealthy for preteens, it's not that I want control, I just want to make sure she's safe.

So as not to drip feed, she's 10, we've been together for 8.5yrs and have children together.
She has expressed a desire to live with us in the past but her mum didn't agree (understandable, I'd be devastated if any of my bio kids didn't want to live with me)
It's hard. I just wanted to moan about it I guess.

OP posts:
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BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 29/04/2023 18:34

So does that mean that your joint children have different house rules to dsd?

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/04/2023 18:36

Unlimited, unsupervised SM media time at 10? Your partner's an arse and a terrible parent. I'm sorry you're having to watch it happen. Poor kid.

DojaPhat · 29/04/2023 18:36

The issue is not so much your position as a step-parent as it is your partner's apparent lack of care for his daughter.

HVPRN · 29/04/2023 18:39

How come you're not allowed a say?

Original poster
GetOffMyFace · 29/04/2023 18:42

In a sense yes and no, my bio kids don't have these social media apps as I know they are terrible for their mental health.
DP doesn't want to make her time here unhappy by taking away the things she's used to having at her mums house.
He avoids talking with his ex, expecially regarding things he has an issue with as she just disregards it and does it anyway

OP posts:
Original poster
GetOffMyFace · 29/04/2023 18:43

I'm not allowed a say because she's not my bio child, it's up to my dp and dsd's mum, according to my dp.

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 29/04/2023 18:44

So he has three children and he is actively treating them differently? How unappealing he is.

Original poster
GetOffMyFace · 29/04/2023 18:44

I do express my concerns to my dp but more often than not, it's just dismissed

OP posts:
Singleandproud · 29/04/2023 18:46

You have a DH problem not a step-parenting problem

Original poster
GetOffMyFace · 29/04/2023 18:47

The only difference is because my opinion matters with my bio kids. I'm allowed to take her out, care for her for days on end, buy everything she needs.
Just not on parenting choices

OP posts:
TheCrystalPalace · 29/04/2023 19:22

You love her as your own?
Really?

Original poster
GetOffMyFace · 29/04/2023 19:40

I do love her yes, she has spent alot of time here, before she started school, all school holidays, weekends and lockdowns through covid and often during the week if there are special occasions. Plus we stay in contact through texts when she's not here.

OP posts:
Laurdo · 29/04/2023 19:50

I'm sorry you're being treated like this. It's definitely not the case for all stepmums. My DH allows me to make decisions about my DSC and he'll often ask for my input on things. There's been times I've pulled him up when I think he's done something wrong with regards to parenting. I have as much say in the kids upbringing as I would if they were my bio kids.

Your DP is definitely the issue here. Not only is he a lazy parent but he seems to be taking you for granted. It seems like you only want the best for your DSD but it's unfortunate that her dad doesn't care as much as you do.

Original poster
GetOffMyFace · 29/04/2023 19:57

I'm not sure what I'm to do about it, just shut up n put up? N be there to help pick up the pieces?
She knows I'm here when she needs to talk, she comes to me rather than her dad because I listen.

OP posts:
strawberryfluff · 29/04/2023 20:01

Time to go nacho

Original poster
GetOffMyFace · 29/04/2023 20:33

But if I leave, I have no rights for access, I would miss her immensely, and my worries for her would just intensify.

OP posts:
IForgotOurSong · 29/04/2023 20:37

Yes, I think that’s it in a nutshell, all the responsibility but no say at all, that’s how it works in my relationship.

Original poster
GetOffMyFace · 29/04/2023 20:45

IForgotOurSong · 29/04/2023 20:37

Yes, I think that’s it in a nutshell, all the responsibility but no say at all, that’s how it works in my relationship.

Awful, isn't it :(

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 29/04/2023 21:00

TheCrystalPalace · 29/04/2023 19:22

You love her as your own?
Really?

I love mine like my own. It’s not that unusual.

You do have a DP problem OP.

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/04/2023 21:11

It isn’t like this for everyone and I’m sorry you’re struggling.

usernameV2 · 29/04/2023 21:15

TheCrystalPalace · 29/04/2023 19:22

You love her as your own?
Really?

I don't know why you seem to disbelieve this, people do love children who are their biological child as if they were?

usernameV2 · 29/04/2023 21:15

Sorry, "who are not" that should say

DorritLittle · 29/04/2023 21:23

It sounds really hard! I have no experience but think you are doing a really good job in difficult circumstances.

HVPRN · 29/04/2023 21:31

If you have responsibility for her and she confides in you/you do a lot for her; IMO you have a say. Perhaps you need to open up this conversation with your husband, stating you love her like your own, he knows this, you're both a team, you're all a family unit, therefore you deserve the respect to be involved in decision making regarding her welfare.

I find it bizarre and disrespectful of your DH not teaching his daughter/your step daughter that what you say, goes as it is a matter of respect for those that love her/care for her on a daily basis. You have children together too - I would say it is the same treatment in this house for all children, and let your step daughter know that there may be different rules at her mums and this is okay, but we do things this way here.

PopGoesTheProsecco · 29/04/2023 21:39

Sorry OP. No real advice to give but just to say that it sounds like you’re doing a brilliant job. Step parents often get a bad rap. My kids’ step mum was the OW.

She is amazing with my kids and she’s everything I’d want in a step mum for my kids (she’s also putting up with my ExH and deserves a medal just for that 😂)!

But I listen to her opinion, she’s never had kids of her own but I know she loves mine and I really value her her input. She was so supportive with DD1’s ASC.

I hope you can get through this.