Step-mums are basically babysitters who love their Step kids.

[GetOffMyFace]

Just that really. I love my DSD, she doesn't live with us full time but I aways make sure to include her in all family days out/trick or treating/family parties/special occasions. I take care of her more than her dad.
I love her like I love my own.
But.
I'm not allowed to actually have a say in anything important in her life, I feel like I'm viewed as just a babysitter who's voice is irrelevant. I have to step back and allow others to make terrible (in my opinion) decisions that (I feel) will negatively affect her. I see family members do and say things that impact her mental health but like I said...my opinion is irrelevant.

It's hard to hold my tongue, i mention things to my DP but he just doesn't seem to care as much :(
Sometimes it's little things like I wanted to give her the option to get a library book on the day he picked her up as I'd taken my bio kids a few days earlier after school to get books, but he couldn't be bothered with the effort (simply dropping her off with me down the road) and because she's his daughter his choices override my want for her to feel included. By time I got home the library would be shut (4pm, it's a small town library) and it's shut over the weekend so I couldn't take her.
Little things.
But sometimes it's bigger things...like unsupervised, unlimited time on certain social media apps on her phone. I know these things are unhealthy for preteens, it's not that I want control, I just want to make sure she's safe.

So as not to drip feed, she's 10, we've been together for 8.5yrs and have children together.
She has expressed a desire to live with us in the past but her mum didn't agree (understandable, I'd be devastated if any of my bio kids didn't want to live with me)
It's hard. I just wanted to moan about it I guess.

I've had many conversations with my DP regarding this, never in front of the children. I believe in presenting a uniformed front as parents,I feel that if I speak out about certain things I would be "undermining" all the people who allow these things (her mum, my dp, grandparents).
I don't want to be at odds with her mum (or anyone else significant in her life), I try to get along with her for my dsd's sake.
I believe in maintaining a stable and supporting environment for children to grow and feel safe. My dp makes me feel like I'd be "rocking the boat" for speaking out on my concerns. Understandable given the history between him and his ex, where she's withheld contact when he's spoken up.

Im a step mum and I influence my step son in many ways in their lifes. So I disagree, SM are just babysitters.

I wouldn't attempt to comment on the ex's care of your DSC, that's really none of your business. But in your own home you should be allowed a say, especially if you're expected to look after DSD.

Your DP doesn't have to mirror what his ex does. Our household routines, boundaries and rules are pretty much the exact opposite of DHs ex's. Children just learn that there's different rules for different places the same as there's different rules at school, in a library, etc.

I know. And it's very hard. But ultimately she is not your responsibility and dad could leave you and then you'd never see her again. Your life is important too.

I understand what you mean and yes it seems common on here, but there are lots of different ways to go about being a step parent. You can shape the relationship to whatever you are happy with. I'm not a babysitter and though I care about my DSS I don't love him, certainly not as my own. Despite this far less hands on role I have, my opinion is still respected as this is just how my partnership with DP naturally works.

The problem is that you have grown very attached to the child and are now unwilling to pull back in order to be assertive. You should not be in a situation where you are called upon for childcare for "days on end" and yet your opinion is not respected. Her dad is taking the piss there. You should be able to put your foot down about this, but you sound like you wouldn't be willing to say you'll stop doing the childcare if things don't change, because your relationship with DSD is paramount to you and it might upset her. So you've sort of backed yourself into this corner through your attachment to her.

I think in your shoes I'd have to have a very frank conversation with my DH, without pulling the "ok then I won't do it" card. Tell him you do a huge amount for DSD and have welcomed her into your heart, the least he can do is respect your opinions and not treat you like you aren't a real parent, since he expects you to and benefits from you treating her like she is your real child. Be frank about how much it is bothering you.

You are not wrong.

But it is exacerbated when you have a selfish lazy loser for a partner who avoids parenting his child and uses you.

You sound like a nice, kind woman with unfortunately low standards that you are with him, and have children with him.

He is a loser and a crap father, who puts himself first.

It's always the poor children who lose out with such wasters as fathers.

You are clearly doing your best to live with your poor choices.

You say DP? Are you married to him? I know it's probably an old fashioned view but if not, you're not really her step mum are you?

She's raised her for 8 years. I think that makes her more of a stepmum than signing a piece of paper ever will.

You sound like a lovely person OP. As your step child gets older, you will see how much she values you.

That’s if you stay though, I don’t know how you can be with a man who can’t be bothered to make an effort for his children. What an arse.

She's raised her for 8 years. I think that makes her more of a stepmum than signing a piece of paper ever will
Well not really. For a start she hadn't "raised her". The child has a mum and a dad who have parental responsibility and are raising her.

Step mum, by definition, refers to the spouse of a parent.

My DSD may not be biologically mine but I am absolutely raising her along with her dad. Nothing changed after we got married.

I think it's a bit pedantic to state she's not a SM because of a definition. It also doesn't really make any difference to OPs issue does it?

Didn't take long for the "you're not a stepmum if you're not married" line to get trotted out!

@shortandpaleandoldandugly

The problem is that's your definition of a step parent.

Kids tend to chose for themselves. My DSD pronounced me as her step mum to all her friends and I wasn't married to her DH at the time.

Completely unprompted which left me gapping like a fish.

None of her friends pipped up saying nahh your just dads gf... it's only adults with agendas that day that.

She also said rather proudly "it's like having two mums and I bet you only have one" 😵‍💫

I did point out to her she has only one mum and she said "well your as good as aren't you"

Luckily mum and me get on so mum wasn't offended and I just gapped. Then mum made a crack about so the boys better beware as there two of us to watch out for.

@Laurdo honestly I wouldn't worry people just say it because they think it's about down. When back in the real word it's the childrens feelings on the matter that counts in the end.

I've only been a step mum for a year, however I am totally involved in both DSS and DSD's lives and decisions when they are here. I also love them both to little pieces, as he loves mine.

There have been times when DH has asked my opinion and I have held back a little, but he then always says that we are a partnership and I am the step mum and part of their lives so have a say.

Both stepchildren absolutely see me as a parental figure and treat me as such, @hourbyhour101 my DS2 (18) after first meeting DH referred to him as his future step dad which made him choke on his beer 😂and all his friends now refer to us as 'the parents' which is lovely.

But to answer the OP. I don't see step parenting as babysitting, neither does DH.