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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

So frustrated

42 replies

ClB207710 · 22/04/2023 22:26

I won’t go into the back story. Let’s just say I have an adult SD who constantly needs her fathers compete attention at all times.

She’s done some pretty awful things. If his attention is on me even slightly there is a drama created and he has to go and sort it. It seriously impacts our time together. She has said and done lots of very manipulating things over the years which has caused big rows between me and my other half and almost ended the relationship a number of times.

I don’t know if I’m just being over sensitive but my other half is on a boys weekend as someone is getting married. My phone just started pinging. It’s messages from my SD. She has gone out with him and suggesting she has been invited to attend. There are no female partners there, it’s all males. Sending me photos of him sat at the bar. The photos are not posed, he clearly doesn’t know it’s being taken and is looking elsewhere. It’s all blurry like it’s been done quickly. He has not told me she has been invited.

I feel really annoyed about it and I don’t even know why. It just feels like the messages and photos are done to just make feel unimportant. I haven’t heard from him at all.

Am I being silly?

OP posts:

Original poster

ClB207710 · 23/04/2023 09:11

I have had many conversations with him about healthy parent/adult child boundaries and the lack thereof. The relationship is very enmeshed. He does appear to be trying to unpick the whole mess but in doing so, the manipulation tactics keep increasing.

It all makes me very anxious tbh. I try and have conversations about it, not too often and have worked out I have to be subtle. But he just doesn’t see my point and thinks I’m just having a pop at her. I’ve practically given up talking about it now tbh.

OP posts:

SquidwardBound · 23/04/2023 09:11

Why not just ignore her?

You’re her dad’s GF. You don’t need to be engaging with this stuff.

Your actual problem doesn’t sound like it’s his daughter. It’s him. If he wanted to move in with you or plan to spend his birthday with you or communicate with you while he’s away… he would. It’s not his 21 year old that’s preventing any of that.

Focus on him - what he does, not what he says - and you will probably find that he’s quite happy having two women fighting over him. Even if it’s a weird daughter-GF thing.

hourbyhour101 · 23/04/2023 09:35

SquidwardBound · 23/04/2023 09:11

Why not just ignore her?

You’re her dad’s GF. You don’t need to be engaging with this stuff.

Focus on him - what he does, not what he says - and you will probably find that he’s quite happy having two women fighting over him. Even if it’s a weird daughter-GF thing.

I suppose because the behaviour is so odd, there's a concern from op that dhs daughter maybe unwell mentally? Or and I hate to say it maybe acting out some type of abuse she received as a child.

At the end of the day there is a reason why this behaviours happening and it needs to be addressed.

That said I agree the bigger problem is OPs DP for sticking his head on the sand.

Op I have to say I think him gaslighting you into thinking this is normal behaviour is really a large 🚩 the fact your already walking on egg shells around this is v odd.

I meant to ask what's DSD relationship with her mum ? Does her mum have a partner ? How do they get on ect.

Original poster

ClB207710 · 23/04/2023 09:41

Mum threw her out at 16. Sounds like she was creating havoc. The trigger was her posting on FB she had been assaulted and it wasn’t true. The mum has had many arguments with my partner saying SD is a liar and manipulator and from what I can gather, she reached her limit and kicked her out. She has lived with my partner ever since.

Still has a relationship with her mum and visits often. Mum does have a partner who she has been with for years. They all seem to get on happy enough.

OP posts:

moonspiral · 23/04/2023 09:43

She stalking her own dad

hourbyhour101 · 23/04/2023 09:54

ClB207710 · 23/04/2023 09:41

Still has a relationship with her mum and visits often. Mum does have a partner who she has been with for years. They all seem to get on happy enough.

Op did mum throw her out because DSC had said she had been assaulted by dad or her ?

It's certainly interesting that mum also agrees that DSC has issues.

At the root of really disturbing behaviour usually is trauma. DSC is old enough now though to acknowledge it and seek help.

Op I really don't think you should move in with this man. Trauma can be tackled but you have to have a DP who is willing to tackle it and bad behaviour or it will just get worse.

I really feel for you op I really do 💐

Original poster

ClB207710 · 23/04/2023 10:00

She said she was assaulted by a stranger. She has made several allegations since I’ve know them of inappropriate behaviour and stalking towards her which have all just come to nothing and never been mentioned again. The last time her dad took her to police station and she refused to make a statement. This seems to have stopped her making these allegations towards people since.

I agree there is definitely trauma at play. I did used to be really empathetic but compassion fatigue has kicked in now. Especially as the weirdness is now being directed at me.

OP posts:

MelchiorsMistress · 23/04/2023 10:09

She’s clearly not a very stable young adult so it’s understandable that your partner is going to be worried that her mental health will deteriorate if he pushes her independence too much. If there was an easy solution to help her then I expect both her parents would take it, but she is the way she is so you need to find ways to cope with it rather than expecting it to change any time soon.

It doesn’t sound like the situation is helped by your partner not being completely honest and open about when he’s spending time with her. She can’t send you messages that will shock you if you know from the start what’s going on.

ItsNotWhatItsNot · 23/04/2023 11:03

No man on earth is worth feeling anxious over. You don’t live with your boyfriend, there is no need for you to be enmeshed in his kids dramas, or for her to contact you at all, just forward any messages on to her father, it’s not your problem. Why not just enjoy dating him and tell him you won’t be getting involved anymore with his daughter, or any parenting dilemmas.

SquidwardBound · 23/04/2023 11:09

But… his daughter’s MH problems are not the OP’s concern. Really. They’re not.

Is he really worth all this stress?

Daleksatemyshed · 23/04/2023 11:17

It's quite common for a 9 year old DD to be this jealous and attached to Daddy but not at 21 Op, sadly, her DF is making this worse not better.

It's telling that all her stories are around sexual assault and attraction to her, are they real or is she trying to make her DF jealous and why would she do that?
Either way I'd call time on this one Op, if you lived together his DD won't suddenly change and there won't be any peace in this relationship

Laughloveloneliness · 23/04/2023 11:39

Shes like this because her dad allows it. He would seriously give me the heebie jeebies. Surely you are worth more than this for the rest ogbyour life? I bet neither of them can believe what you will tolerate. The whole thing is creepy OP, yet you are a part of it. Why?

Laughloveloneliness · 23/04/2023 11:40

Of your life... no idea what happened there!

Aylestone · 23/04/2023 12:49

SquidwardBound · 23/04/2023 09:11

Why not just ignore her?

You’re her dad’s GF. You don’t need to be engaging with this stuff.

Focus on him - what he does, not what he says - and you will probably find that he’s quite happy having two women fighting over him. Even if it’s a weird daughter-GF thing.

I think that’s what the issue is though. Op is presumably already ignoring her as much as possible. If dad ever did grow the balls to go against his daughter and move out, I think the manipulation tactics and drama she would cause would make everyone’s life hell. Going by her past behaviour, she’s not above making up some extremely serious lies to get attention. Her dad could ignore her as much as the op, but I’d imagine her using the same sort of control and manipulation tactics that psycho exes use, like mental health episodes, suicide threats and maybe even making up lies about the op.

Aila1880 · 10/05/2023 22:18

Mini wife the extreme which I assume he's never tackled, so it's going to be hard to now. How have you coped for so long?

thestepmumspacepodcast · 11/05/2023 13:21

yikes.

thestepmumspacepodcast · 11/05/2023 13:22

how does your DP feel about all this?

At first I thought mini wife syndrome but sounds even more.... unusual

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