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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DH feeding step DC rubbish

42 replies

Inathedeepend666 · 17/04/2023 18:14

Good day to you all. I’m brand new to all this (1.3 years with DC now) I won’t go into great detail at it’ll take all day but short version

separation of LOML from DH (not married) , kicked out. Moved in with me. All good on separation front ish but 1.3 years ago DH gets busted for drugs. DC’s care in question so they move in with us. rightly so!!

one DC is grossly overweight And knows it at. 7 yrs old. Eats so so well with us but DH has a favourite out of both DCs and treats one better. Feeds rubbish to both of them to the point of them feeling quite ill when they return.
want to sort out what DH does without making this personal, the DH is a DH. Very bad really, drink driving, drugs, weed, tax evasion the usual suspects.

mum wants to look after DC better and serve their health. What can we do.

dare I say my suggestion is words but I can’t intervene as I’ma bystander- believe me i want to but I’ll make it worse and I don’t want to alienate anyone followed by court and inundation against DH for neglect. Get there officials to get him to toe the line.

any help and guidance directed. more info can be given on the circumstances

OP posts:
YerAWizardHarry · 17/04/2023 18:16

I’m confused on who is who in your story to be honest

FurAndFeathers · 17/04/2023 18:18

It’s literally impossible to work out your OP. No idea what LOML means, why your DH getting busted for drugs would mean his children then move in with you, or what the phrase the DH is a DH means?

NurseCranesRolodex · 17/04/2023 18:19

I can't decipher what your circumstances are or what you are saying.

Pencilsaremylife · 17/04/2023 18:21

No one can give help or guidance if they can’t understand what you are trying to say.

highlandmew · 17/04/2023 18:21

Had to re-read 3 times and still no idea what's going on

TrombonesAreNotBones · 17/04/2023 18:22

I think the parents need to get the child to a GP to get a baseline accurate weight and height and then start exploring next steps with input from the professionals.

(I too have no idea if DH is the baddie or the goodie in this situation, or what LOML means, either, sorry, or even what role the OP is in)

highlandmew · 17/04/2023 18:23

Just googled it, LOML stands for "love of my life"

highlandmew · 17/04/2023 18:24

Doesn't make it any less confusing

namechange3394 · 17/04/2023 18:28

You're mum's partner?

DH usually stands for darling husband - do you think it means something else? Dickhead?

You're not going to get him done for neglect just cos he feeds them crap.

ShandyQuaffer · 17/04/2023 18:29

I'm also confused but think it's this:

OP is a man who has got together with a woman who has children and an ex. The ex gets done for drugs so the children now live with OP and his partner (their mum). When the children visit their father (the ex), he feeds them crap.

The answer is that there's not much you can do about the food- courts will not stop a child seeing their birth parent just because of a bad diet. If your partner wants to stop her ex seeing his kids, she would do better to think about the drugs angle and take legal advice. But this needs to be her decision not OP's.

hadenoughofhisshit · 17/04/2023 18:30

So you're with a woman who left her ex and kids. Ex got a conviction ... kids moved in with you. Children are overweight. You want to make them healthier but their dad is making it difficult, is that right?

namechange3394 · 17/04/2023 18:30

ShandyQuaffer · 17/04/2023 18:29

I'm also confused but think it's this:

OP is a man who has got together with a woman who has children and an ex. The ex gets done for drugs so the children now live with OP and his partner (their mum). When the children visit their father (the ex), he feeds them crap.

The answer is that there's not much you can do about the food- courts will not stop a child seeing their birth parent just because of a bad diet. If your partner wants to stop her ex seeing his kids, she would do better to think about the drugs angle and take legal advice. But this needs to be her decision not OP's.

This is my interpretation as well and I agree with everything you've said

Original poster
Inathedeepend666 · 17/04/2023 19:04

Love of my life

OP posts:
Original poster
Inathedeepend666 · 17/04/2023 19:07

Alright the boyfriend/parent/bloke/children’s dad I’ve called him DH as in husband even though they weren’t married as I’m not used to this acronym m. But he is a DH !!! Apologies that this is hard to follow, try living it, it’s a nightmare for the 7yr old whose weight is half of mine and I’m 6ft+ and 45 plus yrs older than him. It’s shocking

OP posts:
bemorerip · 17/04/2023 19:09

Still doesn't make any sense?
Who are you to the children?

FurAndFeathers · 17/04/2023 19:11

what is the contact arrangement? How is your partners ex managing the children’s diets if they live with you full time?

Original poster
Inathedeepend666 · 17/04/2023 19:15

hadenoughofhisshit · 17/04/2023 18:30

So you're with a woman who left her ex and kids. Ex got a conviction ... kids moved in with you. Children are overweight. You want to make them healthier but their dad is making it difficult, is that right?

Bingo!!!

i feel like I’m just doing so much for these kids that is right and it gets undone because of a birth right. I’m the father so suck it up buttercup. Not right for the kids at all. Their health is vital for later life. Mentally , physically and in this case emotionally. They are far far more stable and calm around us than him.

I’m being honest when I say I don’t want kids, never had them, never will but in this situation I’m forced to support them because of the circumstances so I take it in. What I do mind is that the biological father is ruining his kids by neglecting their health, their mind, their welfare. His responsibilities extend to three days a fortnight overeating junk, chocolate, burgers, deep fried chips whilst drinking Stella and smoking weed (not an exaggeration) around them and we will spend the rest of the time trying admirably to regain their attitude and put them in the straight and narrow again. I’m no monk but I know right from wrong when I see it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Inathedeepend666 · 17/04/2023 19:22

FurAndFeathers · 17/04/2023 19:11

what is the contact arrangement? How is your partners ex managing the children’s diets if they live with you full time?

They live with us , we feed them what they need but that can include the usual kids treats , nothing fancy, nothing too bad. We are fairly healthy eaters. They live with us as the 50 busted him for dealing and growing. No court conviction yet and tbh prob won’t be, I won’t hold my breath. 🙄

We, she clearly wants their dad in their lives, I support that but we both know it’sa kick in the groin when 1 comes back 7lb heavier in a weekend!!!!!! Crazy, crazy stuff. When his knees are ruined and his bones malform. He already walks on the side of his ankle and his gait is a waddle - at 7!!!
It’s not good. So I want to know what peoples advice would be. It’s been like this since over a year ago so we’ve put up with it to gain stability for them. There needs to be a change though. For their sake not ours. If not I’m years to come he’ll be long gone, probably in jail or walked away from responsibilities and we will be left to rehabilitate the mess that could have been avoided. Extreme?? Maybe, maybe not. We should all be looking out for those who cannot be held responsible. At 7 he’s not responsible for what he’s given to eat. That’s what parents are for

OP posts:
FurAndFeathers · 17/04/2023 19:31

Inathedeepend666 · 17/04/2023 19:22

They live with us , we feed them what they need but that can include the usual kids treats , nothing fancy, nothing too bad. We are fairly healthy eaters. They live with us as the 50 busted him for dealing and growing. No court conviction yet and tbh prob won’t be, I won’t hold my breath. 🙄

We, she clearly wants their dad in their lives, I support that but we both know it’sa kick in the groin when 1 comes back 7lb heavier in a weekend!!!!!! Crazy, crazy stuff. When his knees are ruined and his bones malform. He already walks on the side of his ankle and his gait is a waddle - at 7!!!
It’s not good. So I want to know what peoples advice would be. It’s been like this since over a year ago so we’ve put up with it to gain stability for them. There needs to be a change though. For their sake not ours. If not I’m years to come he’ll be long gone, probably in jail or walked away from responsibilities and we will be left to rehabilitate the mess that could have been avoided. Extreme?? Maybe, maybe not. We should all be looking out for those who cannot be held responsible. At 7 he’s not responsible for what he’s given to eat. That’s what parents are for

Show quote history

Then why is your partner supporting this by sending them?

you need to speak to her

Original poster
Inathedeepend666 · 17/04/2023 19:33

bemorerip · 17/04/2023 19:09

Still doesn't make any sense?
Who are you to the children?

The mums fiancé.
The provider
The supporter

i think that’s the crux of the matter. There is no connection other than the above. No biological connection.

however if you see the opposing person as The father
The provider of bad food
The neglector
The drug user
The drinker and driver
and those are just the things we know about.

The problem is the top “father” seems to trump all others. Now I’m happy doing what I do but what I find very, very hard to tolerate is someone undermining it every other weekend because they CBA to take responsibility for creating a life that is special.

i know most will find this maybe condescending due to preaching moral high ground but I’m not looking for a vendetta, I’m looking for advice so it doesn’t mess up our relationship because we are constantly being punished for trying to do right by the children.

OP posts:
gotmeagain · 17/04/2023 19:33

His responsibilities extend to three days a fortnight overeating junk, chocolate, burgers, deep fried chips whilst drinking Stella and smoking weed (not an exaggeration) around them and we will spend the rest of the time trying admirably to regain their attitude and put them in the straight and narrow again.

Why is your partner sending them there if she knows he's under the influence, as well as putting their health at such risk?

It would be far more 'admirable' to put an end to that.

Original poster
Inathedeepend666 · 17/04/2023 19:39

gotmeagain · 17/04/2023 19:33

His responsibilities extend to three days a fortnight overeating junk, chocolate, burgers, deep fried chips whilst drinking Stella and smoking weed (not an exaggeration) around them and we will spend the rest of the time trying admirably to regain their attitude and put them in the straight and narrow again.

Why is your partner sending them there if she knows he's under the influence, as well as putting their health at such risk?

It would be far more 'admirable' to put an end to that.

That’s a hard question. He drinks when they are around. He has been drunk whilst they are in his care and his car probably. Hence why they live with us.

we wait for a court to punish him, they might do but they probably won’t. If they do nothing and we won’t know if they do unless he goes to prison as data protection won’t tell us what they are doing with him. It’s his life and his arrest conviction.
If we take this to court while he is still around that’s unfair on him and tbh I’d rather have him on side but if a court wants to convict then good. It’ll teach him as lesson maybe.
from an evidential pov it’s hard to just mud sling and it not get confrontational or messy and that fit the kids isn’t good. Kings think their dad is an Angel plus he’s also good cop. Buys them anything!!! Not good in our book as that makes them wanting constantly. We give boundaries.

it’s a difficult one and we sit and wait patiently.

OP posts:
Original poster
Inathedeepend666 · 17/04/2023 19:44

Harsh- it’s not black and white.

because we send them to his doesn’t mean we are supporting it.

please bear in mind it takes both parents to support children. What if the mum wants to work?? Go to college, have a weekend off (woe betide😲) 3 days not much to ask, is it?

don’t forget the ex not paying a penny for them, no maintenance, no living expenses nothing. Ask coming from me and mum. Or rather me as mum doesn’t work (yet!!)

she’s learning trade and will be up and running soon. Which is absolutely commendable for someone who has never worked because of previous relationship.

it’s been harder than a big bag of hard things

OP posts:
FurAndFeathers · 17/04/2023 19:47

You are sending children to a drug user and drunk driver.
you have bigger problems than their diets.

Why haven’t you reported him to social services. The LOYL is facilitating the abuse and neglect of her children and risking their lives.

lovely

Original poster
Inathedeepend666 · 17/04/2023 19:48

Regarding legal advice

i don’t want to do that angle and neither does the mum. Been stung for courts before in unrelated incidents (divorce and accident)

do we stay away from any legal angle that involves money and there’s better things to spend it in these days like a gas bill or dare I say it fuel to get to work or even food.

OP posts: