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Original poster

Am I overreacting

31 replies

exdrivesmemad · 15/04/2023 13:06

Last night DP and I were out together. He’s having the kids extra this weekend and picking them up later today.
At around midnight, his ex sent a message “can you get something for me?” He answered “what?” And she wrote back “2 bags of crisps”
I find this a great overstepping of boundaries.
1 It’s midnight.
2 why does he have to go to the shops for her.
He just thinks it is funny but it makes me feel uncomfortable.

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PousseyNotMoira · 15/04/2023 13:17

So, to be clear, she wants him to bring her crisps when he picks up the kids later today? I genuinely don’t understand why you care about that.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/04/2023 13:20

He thinks it’s funny, is he going to do it?

Does she have legs and access to shops?

I think it depends on what sort of relationship they have and if she’d bring him crisps. I don’t personally see what’s funny about it, maybe you had to be there…

BringtheJury · 15/04/2023 13:23

Did she want the crisps delivered there and then or when he collected the children? It's a bit cheeky tbh but I'd probably just roll my eyes.

Original poster
exdrivesmemad · 15/04/2023 13:25

She has legs and access to shops.
They don’t have a good relationship. This is her normal behaviour, demanding things from him - 2 bags of crisps is better than the car she demanded the other week.
I just found it intrusive. If it had been sent at lunchtime today it would have been a little different.

OP posts:
hourbyhour101 · 15/04/2023 13:25

Deliver crisps at midnight? Nah

Give crisps over when kids get swapped Meh - I wouldn't be too fussed.

If your annoyed about this I wonder if she has a habit of overstepping and this the crisp that broke the camels back (pun intended)

Original poster
exdrivesmemad · 15/04/2023 13:26

I presume she didn’t want them immediately as she lives 40 minutes away and there weren’t any shops open.

OP posts:
Original poster
exdrivesmemad · 15/04/2023 13:28

And she would never do anything for him. Even when they were together.

OP posts:
BananaBlue · 15/04/2023 13:30

I wouldn’t be fussed at the ex purely because there’s nothing I can do about her behaviour.

I’f be pissed at him for not ignoring the text until the next day/reasonable time.

Richierich77 · 15/04/2023 13:32

My DD has SM & I wouldn’t dream of texting my ex at midnight asking him to bring me anything when he picks up his DD. I consider us to be on good terms, no animosity but I just wouldn’t do it. I think it’s odd tbh

MeridianB · 15/04/2023 15:48

Why does your DH think this is funny? You say they don’t have a good relationship so it’s not even as if they’re friends.

Texting at midnight for anything other than an emergency relating to the children is not on.

SquidwardBound · 15/04/2023 16:31

It’s plain weird to ask your ex to buy you some crisps. Whether he’s picking the kids up or not.

potatowhale · 15/04/2023 22:03

Can he not just not look at his phone?

Xjshdvf · 16/04/2023 09:07

What did he say? Quite odd to text at midnight saying rhat. My DHs ex used to do this and a couple of times he got it then as it continued he’d just agree to avoid an argument then “forget” and she got the message after a couple of times

Baabaa75 · 16/04/2023 19:55

I'd have an issue with it because it's inappropriate and evidence there's an unhealthy dynamic between them which lets face it, no-one wants their partner in this kind of relationship with a third party. You need to have a frank conversation with DP about how this kind of communication will damage his relationship with you and what the consequences will be and he needs to decide if he's going to set the boundaries that are needed. It's certainly not'funny' 💐

Original poster
exdrivesmemad · 17/04/2023 11:10

I’ve been overthinking all weekend. She cries, he’s her super hero. This isn’t right.

OP posts:
Suzannargh · 17/04/2023 11:15

Did he bring her the crisps…?

Original poster
exdrivesmemad · 17/04/2023 11:53

I don’t know. We haven’t spoken

OP posts:
PousseyNotMoira · 17/04/2023 12:08

exdrivesmemad · 17/04/2023 11:53

I don’t know. We haven’t spoken

How long have you been in this relationship? What’s the setup? Do you live together?

Suzannargh · 17/04/2023 12:25

If this is a new or casual relationship, I’d cut it off. It’s not attractive to see your partner being another woman’s willing lapdog.

Original poster
exdrivesmemad · 17/04/2023 12:35

He hasn’t been like this before. 20 months, don’t live together. I’m just feeling angry that he immediately answered her.

OP posts:
2under3inkent · 17/04/2023 12:40

PousseyNotMoira · 15/04/2023 13:17

So, to be clear, she wants him to bring her crisps when he picks up the kids later today? I genuinely don’t understand why you care about that.

Because a grown adult can get crisps herself?

Original poster
exdrivesmemad · 17/04/2023 12:45

And she doesn’t need to send a message at midnight. The first message was “will you do something for me?” He should have not answered but he had to be the hero.

OP posts:
Suzannargh · 17/04/2023 13:07

exdrivesmemad · 17/04/2023 12:45

And she doesn’t need to send a message at midnight. The first message was “will you do something for me?” He should have not answered but he had to be the hero.

She’s testing him. It’s not about crisps; it’s about whether he’d stop whatever he was doing at midnight on a Friday night to message her back. He needs to firm up his boundaries and should have replied “is this about the children?” if at all.

PousseyNotMoira · 17/04/2023 14:08

2under3inkent · 17/04/2023 12:40

Because a grown adult can get crisps herself?

Show quote history

Yes. And?

PousseyNotMoira · 17/04/2023 14:14

exdrivesmemad · 17/04/2023 12:45

And she doesn’t need to send a message at midnight. The first message was “will you do something for me?” He should have not answered but he had to be the hero.

Ah, I didn’t realise he’d responded. Are you angry that she sent the message or angry that he answered?

The former, I wouldn’t care about. I accept that you do, however. Unfortunately, you can’t control her actions. You can, however, speak to your DP about how this makes you feel and he can (and should) ask her to stop.

The latter would irritate me. She can text him any nonsense she likes, she’s not the one you’re in a relationship with. The person you’re in a relationship with should have respect for your boundaries and some understanding of the basic impropriety of texting his ex at midnight. Again, speak to him about how you feel.

If there isn’t a mutually satisfactory satisfactory solution to this conversation, then I agree @Suzannargh - it’s a fairly new relationship and you’re not living together. Just end it.