Jealous of the EX

[Elledeco]

Been with DP for just over 3 years.
We dont live together but flit between houses. Predominantly at his.
He has his 3 pre-teen DC 50/50 and is a VERY hands on Dad.
I have young adult DC
All the way through the relationship I have struggled with jealousy of the ex.
They have a LOT of contact. Mainly texting and email, but also occasional phone calls. They also meet in a public place to discuss the DC if there is an " issue" and go out for meals together on the DC birrthday which I struggle with.
The texts are about the DC. Ive seen loads of them, they arent really anything to worry about particuarly but it bugs me sooo much.
She even has a specific notification tone on his phone so he knows its her.
She ended it. She had an affair. DP really sruggles with this and says he will never forgive her for taking his family away and ruining his dream.
They had a huge wedding abroad, she had a massive engagment ring and yet DP will absolotely not consider marrying me as he says he can never go through the financial and emotional loss again.
Despite saying how much he loathes her he will still drop anything and run to help with the DC if she needs it. He says its for the DC best interests and he always will do it if its for them
It bugs me so much, and I know I am being irrational. Does it ever get any better ?
Is this how it is being with a divorced dad ?

This isn't how it is being with a divorced dad, although of course his DC and his ex will always be a part of his life.

This is how it is when you are with someone who is emotionally unavailable, which is not the same thing.

Wow at the start of this I was envious, wishing my DH & his ex had this type of relationship, they can’t stand each other & I’d love for the kids if they could get along.

but him dropping everything, refusing to consider a re-marriage (if that’s what you want) has got to be very difficult to live with. I agree with @gwenneh this sounds more like an emotionally unavailable problem than an ex problem. 3 years as part of the DSCs family there should ideally be some kind of blend on the kids birthday meals if the parents aren’t going to be celebrating separately, if you get on well with mum are you invited? Is mum respectful to you? What on earth does Christmas Day look like - are you at home with your DC and him with his kids and ex?

Initially I couldn't see the issue, you describe pretty much the situation between my DP and his ex wife, they are 50/50, text most days with updates on what thier child has been up to, there's always something they need in the wrong house so quite often one has to swing into the others to get stuff so yes, that what being with a decent divorced dad is like (and trust me I used to be married to a useless one)

But the marrying thing would worry me, I assume this is something you want to happen? Mine had a massive wedding first time around, and yes part of me feels a bit sad that I know ours will be much smaller, but it's just a day.

Not wanting to marry again wouldn't worry me. If something like that happened between my partner and I m 99.99% sure I would never marry again.

This must be really difficult. She is a big priority in his life. Sounds like he hasnt recovered from her betrayal which is understandable it doesnt look great for the future.

Is it possible that this is what it is like being with someone who has the emotional bandwidth to cover all of the priorities in his life? That does not mean that the OP has to share that belief .

As adults, we sometimes have to determine if a given situation will work for us. The OP's partner has made a decision about the type of availability that he wants to provide for his children; he has also clearly articulated his position on marriage.

The OP cannot blame or resent him because he does not share her beliefs on either of these issues. He is not taking away anything to which she is entitled from him. He has made clear what he has to offer. The OP is free to decide if this is enough for her.

It is refreshing to see such honesty from a partner. The OP may not find herself as attracted to someone else who is offering those things that she knows to be essential for her happiness, but it is not the obligation of this particular man to change himself to conform.

This may just a case of the desirable person not being the right fit.

The OP will only torment herself if she continues in a relationship that is not meeting her wants and needs. The partner is not asking the OP to make any changes. He has said" welcome to my table ,this is what I am making available. The OP is free to say"no thank you, this fare is not to my liking.

There is no duplicity here; it is all open and above board.

OP, if it's any comfort, I love my DP far more than I ever loved my husband, far, far more. But I won't marry him as we won't have kids together, our family set up is already non traditional and my fingers were well and truly burned. Your DP may be the same.

What your describe could be me but the other way around (my ex husband had the affair). I don’t despise him though and we get along fine now and co-parent well (in fact, I met his new gf this evening as I dropped our kids off at his).

But, I know my dp struggles a bit as I won’t re-marry either and he would like to. I won’t even move in together for some time yet (we have been together 3.5 years). I was devastated by my marriage ending and never want to be in that position again of losing everything and starting again.
we won’t be having any children together so I don’t really feel the need to get married again.

my dp doesn’t speak to or get on with his ex wife so I think he struggles with the amount of contact I have with my ex but it’s all for our kids as they are the most important thing.

If my ex’s gf had a problem with the contact we have then that would be her problem, not mine.

If it bothers you you should end it. He’s clearly a committed father and never wished for this to happen. They are preteens and deeply affected by this. Your kid is a done deal grown up and does not need to build your relationship in the same way at this time.

He’s crazy to be with someone that might come between him and his kids. That’s what you come across as, so ask yourself if that’s the fake you’re playing or do you have his best interest at heart. He’s already had his ex put her needs before his kids needs and it looks like you want to insert yourself in there too. Really be honest with yourself if you wish to fight for his attention and end it if the answer is yes. You deserve more but this is a situation you should leave alone as he will end up resenting you. Like he resents his ex.

This

@gwenneh you kinda nailed it few posts in.

I'm a sm and I haven't ever given a thought to my DSC mum in this way at all. My DH has never made me feel unsafe in anyway but particularly around her.

It sounds like your lumped with a potato op. Thing is, he sounds emotionally unavailable and with bad boundaries. No amount of white lace will set this straight.

If your insecure in your partnership - you should be looking at what's your DP doing to help and/or what things they are doing that maybe triggering it. Do you feel heard ? You is something off ?

You are focusing on the ex and kids as a reason but actually it's a DP issue.

I got really burnt by my first marriage. Really burnt. But you know I wasn't fussed about getting hitched again but my DP was and I thought I will only do it for this guy. So I did. But I had to be 100% sure it was worth the risk. And it was 😅 thankfully

My ex and I message daily with updates about our child, we occasionally will go for food together to discuss child relevant issues. Our child is still young and was very young when we separated.

I can see why it might be hard to take for subsequent partners - but there is nothing in it other than being fully on the same page for our child. Well, as fully as you can be, whilst not being together.

You can’t make him want to marry you, if that’s a deal breaker for you then that’s fair enough

Reading the op made me sad. The relationship seems to be based entirely on what's best for his ex wife and kids and you're just expected to gratefully accept whatever crumbs he has leftover. Fuck this op! You deserve better.

But she knew the circumstance @NewNameNigel so it’s not a surprise that it did not change. One should never expect people or the situation to change.

He doesn't appear to have moved on emotionally from his marriage.

I don't think there's intrinsically a problem with separated couples celebrating occasions together with their children. If that's the dynamic they've struck that works for all of them, it's not really up to anyone else to disrupt things. Obviously that will massively reduce the pool of potential new partners as not everyone will be comfortable with it.

The problem in this case is that there's a lot of emotional baggage behind it. If he "loathes" her, he's not moved on and reached a place of acceptance where he's emotionally available to you. And whilst I'm sure he does feel a sense of betrayal and anger, actually it's pretty clear that he doesn't really hate her whatsoever given the level of contact they sustain.

I don't think he's being honest with himself.

You only write about what he is with the ex, nothing about what your relationship is like and that's the point.

If your relationship is good, then his communication with ex is acceptable and your jealousy is your problem.

If he is distant and not really committed to you then it's not acceptable.

I can see his point of view more than yours. He was cheated on, his family life destroyed, probably lost his family home and is financial screwed for a long time.

Why would he want to get married again? You presumably don't want children together, so marriage is probably unlikely to improve either of your lives. Better to keep finances separate, if you separated.

I am not sure what your point is @Sittwritt. Many people overlook red flags and get into unhealthy relationships and then end them when it gets too much. That is what I suggest the OP does.

He's still trying to be a family with his ex and kids, she is his priority. I'd not be left playing second fiddle to her for a moment longer.

Is marriage - or the lack of - a deal breaker?

I was cheated on, have had an ex who refused to financially support his children and have had a long haul back to achieving a good level of financial independence. I own my own home and have received a considerable sum from an inheritance. I won't be marrying again and I am very clear about that at the start of any relationship. It is, sadly, a deal breaker for many but it is important to me that whatever I have is reserved for my children only. It's far easier not to marry to ensure that.

It won't get any better for you, irrational jealousy rarely does. Cut your losses and move on.

I was married for a while many years ago but due to his affairs ended it when our DC were very young (DH has brought them up as his own).

About 2 years after the divorce he met someone else who became fixated with me , jealousy was an understatement. It was ridiculous. I didn't want him or anything to do with him but had to do certain things concerning the DC. He would actually say "oh sorry I can't take them here/ do this for them/ go to parents evening or whatever...because (Name) doesn't like it".

It was pathetic. She was completely irrational. It's about 20 years ago now and she has only stopped this attitude within the last 3/4 years. I haven't even seen him for over 10 years!!

I'm afraid you have to get over this and get on with your life. It used to drive me mad that my DC would miss out on holidays and time with their DF because of this jealousy. At one time they loved within 10 minutes walk of us yet the DC were still only allowed to visit on their set DF weekend. Pathetic!

Please try and address this for your own sanity and that of the other adults and children involved.

I totally understand this situation and the ex being ridiculous, but your situation you've described is entirely different from the OP's so not sure what your point is....sorry.

I am a step mum and everything you've said OP is a red flag. He hasn't emotionally clocked out of the marriage and this is why you are being jealous, and rightly so. Not because he has communication with his ex, it's everything surrounding it so I totally don't blame you. However I would ditch him and move on ASAP.

Just giving a view from the ex that's all.

I don't see that there's a need for jealousy.

But you're not the ex. You are someone else's ex in a completly different situation.

In your situation your ex was ditching the kids to keep his partner happy. If anyone would be unhappy in that situation it would be you rather than the new partner who was getting her way.

In this case the op is being sidelined. It's not at alk similar.

The OP knows exactly what the man is offering there is no need to be jealous when you've been informed. You either want what he is offering or you move on and maybe find someone who is offering that which you wan