Jealous of the EX

[Elledeco]

Been with DP for just over 3 years.
We dont live together but flit between houses. Predominantly at his.
He has his 3 pre-teen DC 50/50 and is a VERY hands on Dad.
I have young adult DC
All the way through the relationship I have struggled with jealousy of the ex.
They have a LOT of contact. Mainly texting and email, but also occasional phone calls. They also meet in a public place to discuss the DC if there is an " issue" and go out for meals together on the DC birrthday which I struggle with.
The texts are about the DC. Ive seen loads of them, they arent really anything to worry about particuarly but it bugs me sooo much.
She even has a specific notification tone on his phone so he knows its her.
She ended it. She had an affair. DP really sruggles with this and says he will never forgive her for taking his family away and ruining his dream.
They had a huge wedding abroad, she had a massive engagment ring and yet DP will absolotely not consider marrying me as he says he can never go through the financial and emotional loss again.
Despite saying how much he loathes her he will still drop anything and run to help with the DC if she needs it. He says its for the DC best interests and he always will do it if its for them
It bugs me so much, and I know I am being irrational. Does it ever get any better ?
Is this how it is being with a divorced dad ?

Yes all this, you can choose to stay but this is a case of accept him as he is, of course he should do the same for you.

I think if people have expectations on others they will always be disappointed

It is refreshing to see such honesty from a partner.

It seems a bit weird to read about a woman in pain in her relationship and feel refreshed! I wonder if you'd be so refreshed by this if the op wasn't a step mother.

@NewNameNigel
A man who clearly states his priorities and positions up front is an honest man and that behavior is refreshing in a world where so many men and women attempt to lie and mislead their partners.

The OP is not a stepmother. She may aspire to be a stepmother, but she does not live with this man. His children have 2 obviously engaged and committed parents. No where does she suggest that this man has any expectations of her regarding his children. She describes a man who is seemingly a very competent father and one who is actively co -parenting with his ex.

I am sorry, but I did not see a step issue at all.

Of course it can be painful to not be able to have what we want. That is true for most people regardless of relationship status.

The OP found an attractive, engaged man who is not offering what she desires in a partner. He is not misleading her.

He has told her and demonstrated who he is and on what he intends to focus. He has been honest and she may wish that things were different, but she cannot fault or blame him for being who he is.

She is holding on to him while tormenting herself, but that is her choice. He may simply want loving companionship. He has children and no desire to be married. Obviously, that is not enough for the OP, and by staying with him, she is losing the opportunity to find someone who might share her outlook and goals.

We cannot blame someone for not sharing our dreams. Each of us should be free to fashion our life around our own personal goals and dreams. We are incredibly lucky when or if we find someone who wants the same things. The OP has not yet found that person.

@Mari9999 genius post.

I think the guy is great. I don’t think his ex is a model mother nor committed, but the dad is a good dad.

You will never get your hands on his assets nor will he let you in between him and his kids. You may think you are getting somewhere but he will drop you in the last minute.

I know this is how I would behave if I had to parent my kids in my own, like a lioness.

It would be good to ditch him for someone where you can feel some security if that’s what you want.

I actually don't see the issue at all. My parents divorced when I was 3. Loathes each other but still continued to have a relationship such as this for me. They didn't divorce their child

This sums up the attitude towards step mothers perfectly.

Step mother unhappy? No issue. Her feelings don't matter. She must fit in.

If people want to continue living enmeshed lives after a split that's fine. What's not fine is expecting to have another relationship as well. Parents need to find that rare person who would be happy with being sidelined (perhaps someone else doing the same) or remain single.
Having children isn't a get out of jail free card to disregard your partners feelings.

You cannot be serious with this can you? What a hideous reply.

I know! Almost psychopathic in it's lack of empathy.

I wouldn't like to cross paths with this poster in real life.

Relationships work when you find someone who shares your dreams; they do not work when you try to force your dreams upon someone else.

You can't just treat someone badly and say "well its my dream".
What an odd perspective!

If someone's dream is not to consider the needs of a partner at all then surely they should stay single.

@NewNameNigel

To not share your partner's dream is not to treat them badly. If he wants only loving companionship, he is probably offering that. He is probably providing all that he has and is willing to offer.

Perhaps, you treat your partner badly, when you want him to offer what he has clearly stated is not something that he is prepared to give.

Neither he nor the OP has to be single. Both need to find partners whose offerings are aligned with their needs.

If I hire a repairman who tells me that he only repairs air conditioners, I then cannot became unhappy and dissatisfied because he cannot repair my dishwasher. He has never mislead about his existing skills.

There are many women who are not looking for husbands or live in partners , and who would be quite happy with a loving and caring companion. Equally, there are probably any number of single men who have more distant relationships with their ex and children, and who are not marriage adverse. These are 2 people who need different types of partners. They do not necessarily need to be single; they need to find compatible partners.

@Mari9999 are you the poster known as tattler ?

Your writing style is quite distinct.

Um what now? Because he doesn’t want to get remarried he’s emotionally unavailable. Give over 😂

@Mari9999 You are spot on about everything. It’s called clarity and a reality check. The guy is not treating OP badly, he’s made it clear he is emotionally unavailable and OP finds this unacceptable but he’s been nothing but honest about his circumstances and what he’s willing to offer.

OP deserves way more, it’s just not going to be from this particular partner. That’s reality.

Where did the OP said that she was forcing her dreams upon the boyfriend? She only shared her pain and asked for advice! Shes actually blaming herself for her feelings and your lack of empathy is absolutely useless. Honestly, I dont even know what exactly youre trying to achieve by answering this.

Why do you need to parent like a lioness? Do you live in a jungle?
I parent like a human, my children have everything they need, as well as love, attention, affection, etc. Yet, I have time to work, to have a relationship, to have animals, to have hobbies....

It is a tricky situation and probably won’t change. It sounds like something isn’t quite right. You need to really think about if staying in the relationship is the best thing for you.

If you felt safe, this wouldn’t be eating away at you. It’s not her; the problem is him.
Him refusing to consider marriage. Him refusing to do what is needed for your relationship, to nurture your well-being as his partner.

You are not irrational. You havent told us how is he with you. In a good relationship, when one partner feels uncomfortable with something, a loving partner would confort them. Unless you have serious unresolved issues, there are ways to have a good relationship with an ex and show love to your partner.

Now the fact that he tells you that his life with the ex was his dream and hes resentful that she broke it shows that he lives in the past and is not thinking about a future with you and probably this is what makes you insecure.

Also, as a woman who raised a child without the ex, I really dont see why exes need to meet over lunch to discuss kids. Unless theres some huge issue, what cant be discussed over the phone? Also when they go to eat together for kids birthdays, are you and the exes partner involved? Because its very strange for the kids that their separated parents play a couple. My DP at some point had an emotionally dependant relationship and their son got so used to them being overinvolved that she would insist that his mother comes to my house if it was my DPs birthday and refusing her would offend him. Its not a way to move forward and I dont see how does it benefit the children.

In other words, analyse your needs and if you dont feel fulfilled in this relationship, find someone who moved on from the ex and wants to build something with a new person. One can be a good present father and find time for a relationship.

I just don’t get this sort of comment, it totally reads like the poster thinks mental health problems, irrational jealousy, anxiety don’t exist, if you feel something then something caused it.

most folks know full well that’s not the case

End the relationship OP.

No im not invited to the birthday meals.
He has started to express a dislike to them. He says they make him uncomfortable and that he finds it difficult sitting there with her for a couple of hours around a table. She has always pushed for them though, says he should make the effort for the children etc.
Ive also recently found out that she pays for private health insurance for him too. He had a recent day surgery and was consulting with ehr about it.
He says he doesnt know why she never removed him from the policy, he suspects its so that the dc have a fit and well dad. Shes very much a high flyer, earns a 3 figurse salary etc and I suppose that makes me a little insecure too.
He says if shes paying for it why not !?

I guess for me Im just not sure how much " enmeshment " ( is that a word ?? ) is normal..
I have nothing to do with my ex, neither do my dc sadly , so I may have a skewed vision.

Everybody have different ideas of what enmeshment is ok for exes. As a couple, you should be able to discuss what youre comfortable with and he should take it into account and make efforts. If hes not able to, you should decide whether it works for you. Unfortunately, theres no other way.
He doesnt sound like a strong person. Being angry and uncomfortable around her, but still accepting that she pays insurance for him is a bit pathetic.