Should DH say something or just suck it up?

[Laurdo]

My DH and I are at a bit of a loss of what to do regarding some concerns we have about my 5yo DSD when she's at her mums.

Custody arrangements is 50/50 however we have her slightly more as we have her every Sunday for football training and mum drops her midweek day quite alot.

There have been concerns about DSDs wellbeing at her mum's for some time now. Nothing major but DH keeps a note of things just in case he ever needs it. Whenever we pick her up after a week at her mums she's shattered, dark rings round her eyes. We've had to cut matts out of her hair. She's been sent to nursery in dirty underwear and in pyjamas before. As she's gotten older she's able to tell us things. We never ask but she's openly told us that mum lets her stay up watching YouTube on the laptop in bed, she never gets a bath at mums, mum never brushes her hair. Not ideal but not having a bath isn't going to kill her. She's missed a lot of football training sessions when she's spent the night before at mums because she's simply too tired so it is starting to affect her hobbies and with her starting school in August we're worried it will affect her school work.

She gets a bad cough in the winter months and can be up all night coughing. She also has eczema. DH took her to the doctor and they said it could be asthma. She was prescribed inhalers and also given cream for her eczema. DSD mum binned the inhalers and apparently called the doctor to say DSD didn't have a cough at all. We were given more inhalers from the doctor which this time we just kept at ours. We got duplicate eczema creams so she had her own but she doesn't use it and DSDs eczema would be worse when she returned from her mum's. My DH has tried to speak to her about it a few times but nothing changes. My DH had requested a paediatric appointment where both parents could attend. They only sent the appointment letter to mum and she took DSD and only told DH afterwards. What she told DH was not what DSD told us. (I know she's 5 and we should take everything with a pinch of salt but she says things that were obviously wording from the doctor) Thankfully DH received a letter in the post regarding a further appointment for August, against it said the opposite of what mum had told DH and confirmed what DSD had told us. So at least that aspect of her care will hopefully be resolved come August.

DH went to collect her on Sunday. He messaged his ex to ask if he could pick her up a bit earlier and she said it shouldn't be a problem but she was out so to call 16yo DSS. DSD was out playing in the street when DH went to collect her at 3pm. Her clothes were stinking of smoke and she said she'd had nothing to eat all day and was starving.

Her mum seems to be out a lot. She doesn't work but is doing a course at college which is the same time as DSDs nursery hours. Of course the 16yo is old enough to look after his sister but he's left to babysit a lot and will just give her cereal or snacks when she's hungry. He can barely look after himself and it's been a struggle to try and prepare him for adult life and leaving school in the summer. I certainly wouldn't leave him to watch her any more than an hour or expect him to sort her meals.

My question is.... What do we do? Mum is high conflict and has narcissistic personality traits. My DH feels like he's stepping into a wasps nest whenever he needs to discuss something with her.

Contact is minimal and restricted to absolutely necessary only. We'd like to improve things for DSD if possible before she starts school and ASAP really as it's horrible knowing she's not being cared for properly.

We'd like to look at the possibility of having DSD with us more often as we feel she's really thriving and happy at our house and we offer much more stability. DH isn't sure how to approach this as she's likely to kick off if she feels her parenting is being questioned in any way. Even if having her DD suited her she'd say no just to spite DH. I'm not sure whether they should do mediation again. The last time she was very volatile and shouted over the top of DH. The mediator wasn't great and intervening.

So what do we do? Do we risk bringing it up with her and the potential backlash from it or do we just suck it up and be grateful that at least DSD has a roof over her head and is fed at her mum's?

I feel for you op. For years my ex abused in plain sight but wore the right suit and spoke with a posh voice. All ignored into dc were 12 and 14 and walked out his door..

Thank you. We did speak to a friend who's a social worker and she said we could report it to social services and they would go out and speak to her mum, but as she's high conflict it could just cause more or problems than it solves.

To be fair, I'd say things have improved slightly since the boyfriend has been on the scene. Whether that's because she has an extra pair of hands at home or because she's trying to show off to the boyfriend. She's still not getting bathed and sometimes being sent to school in the clothes and underwear from the day before but her mum's taken her to get her nails done and for days out a bit more frequently. SD hasn't mentioned missing meals recently. She has a new winter coat when she had the previous one for 2.5 years that didn't even fit.

I know these seem like little things but compared to how things were it's definitely getting a bit better.

That's awful. I'm glad the kids finally saw the light.

SDs mum is the same. She talks a good game on her Facebook lives and posts. She makes out that we have a good co-parenting relationship and how she always puts her kids first. If she states something on social media you can almost guarantee that the opposite thing is happening in real life. Also, master of the crocodile tears!

Have you considered discussing your concerns with the school - they can raise with social services.