Should DH say something or just suck it up?

[Laurdo]

My DH and I are at a bit of a loss of what to do regarding some concerns we have about my 5yo DSD when she's at her mums.

Custody arrangements is 50/50 however we have her slightly more as we have her every Sunday for football training and mum drops her midweek day quite alot.

There have been concerns about DSDs wellbeing at her mum's for some time now. Nothing major but DH keeps a note of things just in case he ever needs it. Whenever we pick her up after a week at her mums she's shattered, dark rings round her eyes. We've had to cut matts out of her hair. She's been sent to nursery in dirty underwear and in pyjamas before. As she's gotten older she's able to tell us things. We never ask but she's openly told us that mum lets her stay up watching YouTube on the laptop in bed, she never gets a bath at mums, mum never brushes her hair. Not ideal but not having a bath isn't going to kill her. She's missed a lot of football training sessions when she's spent the night before at mums because she's simply too tired so it is starting to affect her hobbies and with her starting school in August we're worried it will affect her school work.

She gets a bad cough in the winter months and can be up all night coughing. She also has eczema. DH took her to the doctor and they said it could be asthma. She was prescribed inhalers and also given cream for her eczema. DSD mum binned the inhalers and apparently called the doctor to say DSD didn't have a cough at all. We were given more inhalers from the doctor which this time we just kept at ours. We got duplicate eczema creams so she had her own but she doesn't use it and DSDs eczema would be worse when she returned from her mum's. My DH has tried to speak to her about it a few times but nothing changes. My DH had requested a paediatric appointment where both parents could attend. They only sent the appointment letter to mum and she took DSD and only told DH afterwards. What she told DH was not what DSD told us. (I know she's 5 and we should take everything with a pinch of salt but she says things that were obviously wording from the doctor) Thankfully DH received a letter in the post regarding a further appointment for August, against it said the opposite of what mum had told DH and confirmed what DSD had told us. So at least that aspect of her care will hopefully be resolved come August.

DH went to collect her on Sunday. He messaged his ex to ask if he could pick her up a bit earlier and she said it shouldn't be a problem but she was out so to call 16yo DSS. DSD was out playing in the street when DH went to collect her at 3pm. Her clothes were stinking of smoke and she said she'd had nothing to eat all day and was starving.

Her mum seems to be out a lot. She doesn't work but is doing a course at college which is the same time as DSDs nursery hours. Of course the 16yo is old enough to look after his sister but he's left to babysit a lot and will just give her cereal or snacks when she's hungry. He can barely look after himself and it's been a struggle to try and prepare him for adult life and leaving school in the summer. I certainly wouldn't leave him to watch her any more than an hour or expect him to sort her meals.

My question is.... What do we do? Mum is high conflict and has narcissistic personality traits. My DH feels like he's stepping into a wasps nest whenever he needs to discuss something with her.

Contact is minimal and restricted to absolutely necessary only. We'd like to improve things for DSD if possible before she starts school and ASAP really as it's horrible knowing she's not being cared for properly.

We'd like to look at the possibility of having DSD with us more often as we feel she's really thriving and happy at our house and we offer much more stability. DH isn't sure how to approach this as she's likely to kick off if she feels her parenting is being questioned in any way. Even if having her DD suited her she'd say no just to spite DH. I'm not sure whether they should do mediation again. The last time she was very volatile and shouted over the top of DH. The mediator wasn't great and intervening.

So what do we do? Do we risk bringing it up with her and the potential backlash from it or do we just suck it up and be grateful that at least DSD has a roof over her head and is fed at her mum's?

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. That's awful.

DSD does get fed it was just that one occasion when we picked her up on Sunday she said she hadn't eaten all day. Granted what she tells us she eats there isn't great but she does usually get fed.

She's never told us she doesn't want to go to mummy's and when we tell her mum's picking her up or she's going to mum's she says "yay". She'll sometimes say she misses her mum and asks when she's going back. I genuinely do think she misses her mum because she doesn't get the attention she craves from her. So for now we're not too concerned about forcing her to go when she doesn't want to. I do think as she's getting older she's starting to realise things aren't quite right.

We will definitely do whatever we can to have her with us more often.

From both personal and professional perspective, nursery and ss are absolutely the right approaches.

Even if they're not able to help them with the mum, op and her dh need to be able to evidence that they have taken appropriate steps to keep her safe and reported concerns in case things get worse or they could be held partly responsible.

@SocialLite yes I get that and I didn't mean they shouldn't raise concerns but I do think they need to look at court and him using his PR to protect the child.

That's almost definitely the next step, but they need to raise the concerns first both for evidence and in case the situation (upon investigation) actually IS serious enough for immediate safeguarding,

Yes, she obviously loves/misses her mother. But still, she is 6 and it doesn't enter her brain that she's maybe not being cared for properly. I think you're being extremely reasonable about all of this. But any plans you have to report or to get more involved should most certainly be done. Wishing you luck. And btw, you're an amazing stepmother! Wish mine were as caring as you! 💕

Get an emergency court order and get the poor child away from that woman. Asthma can be life-threatening and if the mum is binning her asthma medication she is endangering the girl's life.

i was an earlier poster op

what happened since you last posted?

So.... No long after I posted this it all came out that the ex had been having an affair with a married man for over a year. We actually found out about this last year but apparently it had ended and the guy decided to make a go of things with his wife and 3 kids. But turns out they were continuing to see each other. His wife found out again and caught him at her house. The guy ended up moving in with her that day.

There was a whole lot of shit that went down around that time including her getting her car windscreen smashed by the wife and the guys family turning up at her door looking for a fight. We also found out and it if confirmed by DSS16 that last year at woman had shown up to their house and she ended up punching his mum. My 2 DSSs witnessed this but thankfully DSD was in bed.

She also had someone come into her house while she and the BF were in bed and threaten her with a knife. We found out as she's told her cousin about it who knows DHs sister. She had reported it to the police as a random break in however apparently it was due to drug debt. Seems she has a problem with coke.

DH consulted his solicitor as he thought he could get an emergency custody order but that we needed to prove that she was putting the kids at risk and in fact a judge could just see her as a victim. It would be hard to prove the break in was related to drugs.

I reckon in the midst of maintaining regular contact with this guy DSD had dropped down on her list of priorities.

Things have improved slightly since this guy moved in in some ways. The first few weeks DSD was been taken swimming and for days out. She's taking the kids on holiday in the new year with the boyfriend.

There's still been some issues. DSD reported that the guy had been shouting at her mum in the car and making her cry and had grabbed her by the jeans and ripped them when they were out one day. DSD is doing great at school and loving it and I'm hopeful they'll have better oversight of anything not quite right. DSD is sent to school in the wrong uniform frequency and last week she was sent in the same uniform, tights pants and vest as we'd put her in the day before.

DSD is left with babysitters a lot which she hates as her mum goes out almost every weekend. There have been fewer reports about her missing meals.

We got DSD hair cut into a bob recently which has made dealing with her hair a million times easier. I got my hair cut into a bob in July and DSD asked constantly for 4 months to have hers cut too so we recently let her and she's absolutely delighted with it.

We also spoke to a friend who is a social worker and she said it sounded like low level neglect which is very hard to prove. The said social work would just go out to mum and speak to her about the concerns raised but she could just deny them all and there wouldn't be much else they could do. They won't take anything DSD says into consideration as she's only 5. She said contacting SS would likely only aggravate the situation.

So for now we are keeping an eye on things and continuing to note anything in the diary.

the ex sounds like she’s in an abusive relationship.

how often does your DH have the children?

do the children want to live with you?

how old are your step sons?

ah apologies just the one and he’s 16

your step son… is he at college?

SS has just started a job that DH sorted for him so he'll be living with us mostly. He spilled the beans a while ago about some of the stuff that's been going on and he's been living between our house and his grampas. The final straw for him was hearing his mum having sex loudly in the bathroom when DSD was still up then recently he woke up to several messages from friends because she had set up a new Snapchat account and was sharing pics of her and her BF in bed and her in her underwear. A few of DSSs friends had her number so apparently they were able to see the account. I'm not really Sure how Snapchat works but apparently it's linked to your phone number.

Trust me, she isn't in an abusive relationship. She gives as good as she gets. DSD told us that sometimes mummy shouts as BF and he shouts back. She was violent towards DH.

The agreement is 50/50 but we often have extra days.

Also, thank you for checking in again.

well sounds to me abusive 🤷‍♀️

I'm under no illusion that it's a wholesome happy relationship but she is not the victim here. They are both vile people who deserve each other.

ok

because the partner of the ex husband knows the ins and outs of her relationship 😂

You seem to have a much better idea though. Thanks for your contribution to my post. It's been really helpful 🙄

Neither of us do 🤷‍♀️

Did you name change to post today because I can't see any previous posts from you? Or are you just here to shit stir?

I hope you have the day you deserve.

name change

You sound… like you could do with a coffee and a sit down.

Have a good day

If you posted before you must have made a name change then?..
Or you're a new poster.

yes that’s my point

name changed

It’s a shame the step-parenting board, where women go to get advice and support from other women, so frequently descends into posters being confrontational and unpleasant for no reason.

OP, it sounds like you’re doing all you can in impossible circumstances.

Your thread made me feel incredibly sad for DSD. She is really lucky to have a caring step mum like you.
What I will say though is that children are naturally very attached to their parents even if they are abusive. It's instinct. I think you're right about not trying to prevent her to go there, her mum will ALWAYS be her mum no matter what happens, but at the bare minimum, Social Services do need to get involved because this is neglect and mum does need to sort herself out and prioritise her daughters needs. It's easier said then done.

I for one could never ever dream of sending my daughter to Nursery with dirty underwear or in her PJ's.