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Original poster

Feel sad about DSC and easter

29 replies

Winterblu3s · 08/04/2023 07:07

Been in DSCs life since they where 2, they are now 9. Dad and I have been living together 6 years and have a child together. Myself and DH are not very sociable people, our idea of a day out is something fun with the kids. DSCs mum is a social butterfly and loves socialising. For the last 6 years we have had DSC every bank holiday weekend, including Easter as mum likes Bank Holidays to go out and let her hair down. We have built traditions, go to the coast for a couple of nights, Easter egg hunt with clues, roast dinner and see in laws, just a bit of family time. However, this year mum has a new partner and so DSC is staying with mum at New partners house for Easter. I'm gutted. I know mum has every right to see her child for Easter and it's nice that they all all spending Easter together but I just feel so sad.

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thegrain · 08/04/2023 07:11

Aw you sound lovely.
It is hard when you're used to them being around. DH's ex never wanted the kids for Christmas until she settled down. That first Christmas without them felt so odd. You get used to it. Maybe try to think of a nice day out when you next have them?

duvetdissident · 08/04/2023 07:12

your sc is really luckly, and you can still do all those things, just a week early or late

Original poster
Winterblu3s · 08/04/2023 07:16

Thank you, we will still have fun with DD, it just somehow doesn't feel the same.

OP posts:
Beantag · 08/04/2023 07:18

It sounds like you have built up some lovely traditions and can see why you're sad but understanding. Can you still do some of those things another time? Not quite the same as well. I'm sure it will be different but also maybe lovely to have easter with just DD for a change- make some new traditions and then look forward to seeing them soon?

holaschicas · 08/04/2023 07:19

@Winterblu3s
your last comment makes me feel a bit sad for your DD tbh. Your her mum, DSC has theirs…focus on DD and make the most of DSC when they are there.

Thry sound lucky to have you though.

thegrain · 08/04/2023 07:21

Winterblu3s · 08/04/2023 07:16

Thank you, we will still have fun with DD, it just somehow doesn't feel the same.

I'd try not to let DD show you're missing DSD, sh3 needs to know it doesn't change for her if DSD is around or not. It sounds nice for DSD that her family is growing and now her mum feels able to do these things.

mamnotmum · 08/04/2023 07:58

We'd 'do Easter' another weekend with them.

Sometimes my friend doesn't have her children for Xmas due to split parenting so they just say they've written to Santa and asked him to come another day. They do all the traditions on different days. X

Original poster
Winterblu3s · 08/04/2023 08:02

mamnotmum · 08/04/2023 07:58

We'd 'do Easter' another weekend with them.

Sometimes my friend doesn't have her children for Xmas due to split parenting so they just say they've written to Santa and asked him to come another day. They do all the traditions on different days. X

We do this for christmas. Have always had DSC boxing day, so have our Christmas day then.

OP posts:
Laurdo · 08/04/2023 08:10

You sound like a lovely SM. And I totally get why you would be sad but just make the most of it with your DD and maybe plan something for when DSC is back with you.

Hopefully DSC will do something nice with their mum. It's not a bad thing that she's wanting to spend more time with her kids and less time socialising.

It's hard sharing. My DSCs mum isn't great and doesn't do a lot with them so I feel like they miss out on a lot and my DH and I have to pick up the slack quite often. We can't make the mum a better parent but we can make the most of the time we have with the kids and do our best for them. That's all you can do really.

thegrain · 08/04/2023 08:12

Winterblu3s · 08/04/2023 08:02

We do this for christmas. Have always had DSC boxing day, so have our Christmas day then.

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Do you mean your child has to have christmas day on boxing day? They don't get presents they don't do anything Christmassy? I think that's arse over face tbh.

DurhamDurham · 08/04/2023 08:17

How old is your daughter?

RenoDakota · 08/04/2023 08:24

Just wanted to say that you sound like a lovely step mum and your step child is lucky to have you
Flowers

DoingUp · 08/04/2023 08:31

Winterblu3s · 08/04/2023 08:02

We do this for christmas. Have always had DSC boxing day, so have our Christmas day then.

Show quote history

This is a bit of a trap long term. What you end up with is one child getting Christmases totally planned around them, and twice the fun. While younger children don't have Christmas unless SDC are there. It's a damaging message that they aren't enough on their own.

Your younger children need to know that they are worth the effort and deserve the fun whether SDC are there or not.

Also if you start moving Easter now, it might be hurtful to SDC if you realise later that DD is old enough to notice and go back to having Easter at the right time. Better to start as you mean to go on.

I am speaking from experience, I used to just do Christmas when DSD was here, but as they all got older it got very obvious my children's self esteem was being impacted and they felt like we couldn't have 'special' time without SD. While DSD was basically becoming quite entitled as everything was planned around her at both households.

Now we do a 'christmas period' type thing,. We have Christmas day with whoever is there on the day. Then when SD comes (if she wasn't there on the day) we have another nice day when she has her presents, plus we save a few of the presents from the extended family for them all to open together. Which is normal as we have a couple of visitors over the Christmas week so presents tend to be a bit spread out anyway. But it's not a replacement for Christmas day. It doesn't have to be as she has that at mum's!

One other thing to note is that this sort of thing will also be hard for younger children. Mine missed their sibling so much when she wasn't with them, as we have 50/50. So it is important that their life when she is not here is kept as stable as possible.

I do understand that you feel sad as you are used to having DSC. But as a parent you have to get yourself used to sometimes being a family with younger children only. It is not fair on them to mope when DSC are not there, DSC are doing something special with their mum and your DC deserve the same.

I realise this is Easter not Christmas, but am giving you my Christmas example is it is another special date.

Original poster
Winterblu3s · 08/04/2023 08:33

DoingUp · 08/04/2023 08:31

This is a bit of a trap long term. What you end up with is one child getting Christmases totally planned around them, and twice the fun. While younger children don't have Christmas unless SDC are there. It's a damaging message that they aren't enough on their own.

Your younger children need to know that they are worth the effort and deserve the fun whether SDC are there or not.

Also if you start moving Easter now, it might be hurtful to SDC if you realise later that DD is old enough to notice and go back to having Easter at the right time. Better to start as you mean to go on.

I am speaking from experience, I used to just do Christmas when DSD was here, but as they all got older it got very obvious my children's self esteem was being impacted and they felt like we couldn't have 'special' time without SD. While DSD was basically becoming quite entitled as everything was planned around her at both households.

Now we do a 'christmas period' type thing,. We have Christmas day with whoever is there on the day. Then when SD comes (if she wasn't there on the day) we have another nice day when she has her presents, plus we save a few of the presents from the extended family for them all to open together. Which is normal as we have a couple of visitors over the Christmas week so presents tend to be a bit spread out anyway. But it's not a replacement for Christmas day. It doesn't have to be as she has that at mum's!

One other thing to note is that this sort of thing will also be hard for younger children. Mine missed their sibling so much when she wasn't with them, as we have 50/50. So it is important that their life when she is not here is kept as stable as possible.

I do understand that you feel sad as you are used to having DSC. But as a parent you have to get yourself used to sometimes being a family with younger children only. It is not fair on them to mope when DSC are not there, DSC are doing something special with their mum and your DC deserve the same.

I realise this is Easter not Christmas, but am giving you my Christmas example is it is another special date.

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This is kind of what we fo. Christmas day is with DD and presents then to my family for the day, boxing day with DSC and he has his presents from us, whilst DD still has a couple to open, then the day with inlaws.

OP posts:
Original poster
Winterblu3s · 08/04/2023 08:33

DD is 2

OP posts:
thegrain · 08/04/2023 08:34

Winterblu3s · 08/04/2023 08:33

This is kind of what we fo. Christmas day is with DD and presents then to my family for the day, boxing day with DSC and he has his presents from us, whilst DD still has a couple to open, then the day with inlaws.

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Ok that sounds good. Was a bit worried you were falling into the trap @DoingUp described

thegrain · 08/04/2023 08:36

Also Easter day is about that day so i personally think it's better to keep it to that day

DoingUp · 08/04/2023 08:40

Winterblu3s · 08/04/2023 08:33

This is kind of what we fo. Christmas day is with DD and presents then to my family for the day, boxing day with DSC and he has his presents from us, whilst DD still has a couple to open, then the day with inlaws.

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Ours is a bit complicated as we have SD every other year so we don't have the same pattern every year, so even with this my DC do miss DSC on the day. But we do our best to keep life predictable in other ways. All the children benefit from that I think. It is really difficult when family time etc is impacted by a change to SD mum routine. But DSC have their mum to think about this too, so I think it is important to think about what is best for DC.

Saying this as I started out with a quite naive approach, thinking everything special should be centered around contact time. But I now feel that was totally unnecessary and quite damaging to the younger kids.

thegrain · 08/04/2023 08:54

Totally agree. The children of the second family shouldn't be having to live their lives around the contact schedule.

holaschicas · 08/04/2023 08:56

@thegrain
Agreed, it’s really damaging for all the kids involved for different reasons.

We don’t even do two Christmases, etc. If DSC have Christmas with mum then we send presents from us there as we want them to have as ‘normal’ life as possible.

I think a lot of this ‘two’ thing is done for the adults because they can’t deal with missing out rather than because the kids are bothered.

liveforsummer · 08/04/2023 09:07

I think you need to look at this from a different angle - dsc is finally getting some time with their dm on a celebration day - they probably really value that and dd is getting some important special 1:1 time with you. Do something different- start your own tradition and save the normal one for when dsc is there next weekend or whenever. Mine haven't always had contact with their dad so we had our traditions but now apart from Xmas they just have these days whenever vibrancy schedule lands - this year they were at his on Mother's Day, no big deal. This year dd1 is away on a brownie trip this weekend so it's just me and dd2 for Easter - we can just do our normal things another time. Dd2 and I will do something different and have a lovely time I'm sure

liveforsummer · 08/04/2023 09:12

holaschicas · 08/04/2023 08:56

@thegrain
Agreed, it’s really damaging for all the kids involved for different reasons.

We don’t even do two Christmases, etc. If DSC have Christmas with mum then we send presents from us there as we want them to have as ‘normal’ life as possible.

I think a lot of this ‘two’ thing is done for the adults because they can’t deal with missing out rather than because the kids are bothered.

It sounds like you share Xmas's though. Like in our situation it sounds like OP always had dsc on Boxing Day after they spend Xmas day at their mums. You wouldn't send their presents every year surely and never have that experience? Mine have Xmas day with me, we do presents from friends and my side of family, go to my parents for meal and then dc are dropped at their dads on Boxing Day where they open their presents from him and he does Xmas dinner. Don't see why it's a huge problem that they have their presents split over 2 days

thegrain · 08/04/2023 09:44

liveforsummer · 08/04/2023 09:12

It sounds like you share Xmas's though. Like in our situation it sounds like OP always had dsc on Boxing Day after they spend Xmas day at their mums. You wouldn't send their presents every year surely and never have that experience? Mine have Xmas day with me, we do presents from friends and my side of family, go to my parents for meal and then dc are dropped at their dads on Boxing Day where they open their presents from him and he does Xmas dinner. Don't see why it's a huge problem that they have their presents split over 2 days

Show quote history

It's not for the DSC I guess. They just have to lump it

holaschicas · 08/04/2023 12:53

@liveforsummer
We stopped splitting Christmases…we spoke with a child psychologist about some issues and the consensus a lot of courts, etc are taking now is that children should wake up in the primary bed on Christmas morning so they have traditions, etc. and we’ve followed that.

We have two other children to consider and we would be holding presents back for our benefit, not DSC

ZoeCM · 09/04/2023 13:46

You sound like a wonderful stepmum.