Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Struggling to adjust to SM moving into my childhood home.

57 replies

Felixss · 07/04/2023 13:00

I'm embarrassed to admit this , my DF got married and SM moved into the house. Her son is living in her old home and she's given it to him. I really like my SM she's nice, patient and makes him happy. SM has been making changes moving photographs around, redecorating When I called round DF gave me my mug (it has my name on) which I use when I go round. I went round for dinner and her son and mother were there. Her mother was cooking in the kitchen and the son was sitting in the chair I've always sat in. I know it sounds ridiculous to be honest.

When they got married SM had her family on top table including her son and mum at the breakfast the following day my Dad sat with her and her family. I've reduced contact not really meaning too as it feels weird and I can't relax. Dad keeps inviting me round for meals and I'm struggling to want to blend. My dad's home was always somewhere I could relax I now feel on edge.

Has anyone got any advice on how to adjust ? I do really like her and I know it's pathetic.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
Original poster
Felixss · 13/04/2023 21:56

Flopsythebunny · 13/04/2023 21:26

I think you need to grow up a bit. It hasn't been your home for a long time. It's now your step mother's home so of course she's going to make changes.
When I married my husband, I sold my house and moved into the house he'd lived in for 25 years. I gave him half the house value which he used to pay off the mortgage. My name went on the deeds in return with a 50% share. We gutted the house in the first year, both paying 50% and the house now looks completely different. It hadn't been touched in the 20 years since his first wife died so it was badly needed.
Both his and my adult children have their own homes but are always welcome in our home

She hasn't given him 50 percent of the house as she couldn't afford it. She's a much lower earner than my DF and his house is worth at least 2-3x hers.

OP posts:
NewNameNigel · 14/04/2023 00:24

Have you actually had a proper conversation with your dad about finances and who owns what? I feel like you're making a lot of assumptions here. How on earth would you know how much she has or hasn't contributed financially unless they've told you directly?

You need to understand that it's her home now not yours.

What are your actual expectations here? Do you expect her to leave it untouched like a shrine to when you lived there? Or are you perhaps projecting hurt from previous incidents onto the house?

Original poster
Felixss · 14/04/2023 01:32

NewNameNigel · 14/04/2023 00:24

Have you actually had a proper conversation with your dad about finances and who owns what? I feel like you're making a lot of assumptions here. How on earth would you know how much she has or hasn't contributed financially unless they've told you directly?

You need to understand that it's her home now not yours.

What are your actual expectations here? Do you expect her to leave it untouched like a shrine to when you lived there? Or are you perhaps projecting hurt from previous incidents onto the house?

He's told me he's leaving her his pension as she wouldn't be able to afford the upkeep of the house. The house is fully owned by my DF it was paid off before they married (not anymore I guess) and he's given her life time interest in the house she doesn't have the money to give him 50 percent she works in a quite low paid job. It's just interesting she's given her son her house marries then moves into my DFs property when he has severe health issues. Sorry I feel protective over my DF.

No I don't want them to have it as a shrine that's ridiculous. I just worry my DF is vulnerable because of his health issues. Also her family making themselves at home on my DFs dime.

OP posts:
NewNameNigel · 14/04/2023 01:39

It sounds to me like your dad wants to protect your inheritance but also doesn't want his wife turfed on on the street as a recently bereaved widow which is normal. From the way you speak of her it's pretty obvious that you'd kick her out sharpish if the house was yours so it's what he's had to do to protect her and you.

Do you think your step mum is using your dad for his cash? Is that where this is coming from?

Lizzt2007 · 14/04/2023 01:57

Felixss · 08/04/2023 03:03

My DF is quite shrewd with finances, he dated her quite a while . I think his health problems scared him into finally making a committment .He mentioned to my DH about making sure SM received his final salary pension as it's large and will end up just going nowhere as it cannot be inherited. He mentioned about a mirror will/life time interest so she can live in the house until she passes. I think Dsis might be resentful as she's renting and that step brother gets SMs house , while SM moves in with my DF and in all possiblity the house could be subject to care fees etc as it's looking like my SM will outlive my DF she's in her 50s and DF has severe heart failure 😥

I rubbished this as Dsis stirring but when I saw her son and mother making themselves at home then giving me my stuff it upset me. I guess I have to know in my heart my dad loves me dearly. I don't need an inheritance I have a home and good job etc.

Show quote history

Sounds like the issue here is dsis op, not df, dsm, or you. Mirror wills with life interest suggests that the house hasn't been left to stepmom, that in fact it's left to presumably you and sis but that dsm can live in it till she dies. My mother and stepdad had similar arrangements. You only have dsis word that son has been given dsms house, I suspect it's more likely that he's being allowed to live there but dsm still owns it. He might even be paying rent. The mirror will would then be that df receives life interest in that property if dsm dies first. The definition of a mirror will is that the terms are exactly the same the only difference is the name at the top and the name of the beneficiary.

Lizzt2007 · 14/04/2023 01:59

Lizzt2007 · 14/04/2023 01:57

Sounds like the issue here is dsis op, not df, dsm, or you. Mirror wills with life interest suggests that the house hasn't been left to stepmom, that in fact it's left to presumably you and sis but that dsm can live in it till she dies. My mother and stepdad had similar arrangements. You only have dsis word that son has been given dsms house, I suspect it's more likely that he's being allowed to live there but dsm still owns it. He might even be paying rent. The mirror will would then be that df receives life interest in that property if dsm dies first. The definition of a mirror will is that the terms are exactly the same the only difference is the name at the top and the name of the beneficiary.

Show quote history

Just to add, if she has life interest the house cannot be sold to pay for her care home fees, as she never owns the property.

Thehouseofmarvels · 16/04/2023 16:16

@Felixss Also you need to check what should happen if the partner wants to move house and what happens if they downsize, can they keep the excess money until they die ?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread