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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Struggling to adjust to SM moving into my childhood home.

57 replies

Felixss · 07/04/2023 13:00

I'm embarrassed to admit this , my DF got married and SM moved into the house. Her son is living in her old home and she's given it to him. I really like my SM she's nice, patient and makes him happy. SM has been making changes moving photographs around, redecorating When I called round DF gave me my mug (it has my name on) which I use when I go round. I went round for dinner and her son and mother were there. Her mother was cooking in the kitchen and the son was sitting in the chair I've always sat in. I know it sounds ridiculous to be honest.

When they got married SM had her family on top table including her son and mum at the breakfast the following day my Dad sat with her and her family. I've reduced contact not really meaning too as it feels weird and I can't relax. Dad keeps inviting me round for meals and I'm struggling to want to blend. My dad's home was always somewhere I could relax I now feel on edge.

Has anyone got any advice on how to adjust ? I do really like her and I know it's pathetic.

OP posts:

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Set a reminder

topcat2014 · 07/04/2023 13:02

Sounds tough, maybe it will get easier

thegrain · 07/04/2023 13:03

When I called round DF gave me my mug (it has my name on) which I use when I go round. ouch. Can you bring it back with you when you go back next and say you liked that it stayed there as it showed it was your home too.

BlueKaftan · 07/04/2023 13:04

I can see why you would struggle. It sounds as though she could have taken things a bit slower in terms of putting her mark on the place. Did your parents divorce? How long has your dad been remarried?

GodspeedJune · 07/04/2023 13:05

It’s not pathetic, that sounds tough to manage. Could you talk to your Dad about it, in private?

TheCentreSlide · 07/04/2023 13:05

Yes giving you your mug back was a cruel blow. So sorry OP. You’re not being pathetic at all. Can you talk to your dad about it?

Aylestone · 07/04/2023 13:05

How old are you op? How long has he been apart from your mum. I can imagine it feels awkward with another family ‘taking over’ your family home. Did you mention to your dad how pushed out you felt at the wedding?

SingaporeSting · 07/04/2023 13:06

I think this sounds really tough and not pathetic at all. No good advice to share though, but I remember feeling the same when my dad asked my (lovely) stepmum to love in when I was around 10-11.

Lovely or not, there is something unsettling about a new person in the house. I can totally relate to the safe haven feeling being taken away from you….

Aylestone · 07/04/2023 13:06

BlueKaftan · 07/04/2023 13:04

I’d say this is more on the dads actions than his new wife.

aSofaNearYou · 07/04/2023 13:07

Are you an adult?

It is pretty normal for parents to start changing things in the home once their children have moved out, even outside of step families. I would make peace with that.

In terms of feeling awkward around them - it feels a lot like having in laws. Could you think about it that way?

It sounds like your underlying issue, from the way you talk about the wedding, is that you feel like your dad is focusing a lot more on her and her family and pushing you out somewhat. Is that how you feel?

DalmationCalledStripe · 07/04/2023 13:11

I think this one should be fairly easy to resolve OP. You say you like your SM and that she makes your dad happy. Also your dad is often inviting you round. So these are all positive. I would say your dad doesn't realise he caused upset or offended you by giving the mug back. So just have a chat with him about how you feel. He obviously loves you, and I get the impression your SM probably does too. They just don't realise that these small things are upsetting you. Talk it through. Good luck.

Original poster

Felixss · 07/04/2023 13:12

My dad was a single parent I don't have much contact with my DM really he's my parental figure so it's nothing to do with my DM I view the house as still kind of my home even though it's not if you know what I mean . I used to feel really relaxed they dated for quite a long time but since the wedding everything has changed . I moved out a long time ago but he lives close to my house and we are very close. I'm not financially reliant on him or anything I just like spending time with him and there from time to time. The mug has always just stayed he said it used to say it made him smile when he saw it.

I know I will have to deal with it , it's good he has a wife and she's nice. I think I'd feel better if they sold the house and they bought somewhere new together.

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 07/04/2023 13:17

I think you just need to let go of the idea that it's still your home tbh. It's a common debate on here and many people do say their parents home will always be theirs, but personally, I don't see my childhood home as my own anymore. I'm obviously very at home there, but my parents have made various changes to it and none of them upset me. It's just their house now, I've got my own.

maddy68 · 07/04/2023 13:24

I have had the same situation. It's difficult but you are making this difficult for yourself.

Your dad has every right to enjoy his life after your mum.

Of course she sees her son it isn't your chair it's Ty our dads chair and he's sharing that with his family it's you that is detaching yourself not him or your sm

The fact he keeps your mug in the house means you are still part of that family it's still there for when you go.

You know you are being unreasonable.
You are making this a problem. Not them

maddy68 · 07/04/2023 13:26

I misread they they gave you a mug when you had your tea.
It's reasonable that she had a clear out of old things. She didn't throw it away. You could just ideal to your dad and tell him that it made you feel excluded.

suzyscat · 07/04/2023 13:30

The moving stuff around and the changing things would unsettle me and probably give me the rage though I'd try and hide it.

I reckon this is just one of those things that time is the best for. It will eventually
get easier.

Can you go out away from the house just with your dad. Explain that you're happy for him but you're struggling a bit.

Change IS hard. But it will get easier

Luredbyapomegranate · 07/04/2023 13:39

Next time you go back, go with the mug, and say to both of them, actually I need to keep this here because it’s what I’ve always done- which is important to me because obviously you are making some changes (say something nice about the decor here) and this will help it feel like home.

There could be no better demo of your point.

Also, I am a step mother, and my experience is if you want a blended family to work, you have to blend it. Have lunch with your step mum, go to the pub/cinema w your step brother, bring some muffins for everyone when you know her mum is staying, invite them all round for lunch. Just treat her hangers on like the cousins you aren’t bothered about, but you do like your aunt so you make an effort for her.

Luredbyapomegranate · 07/04/2023 13:41

maddy68 · 07/04/2023 13:24

I have had the same situation. It's difficult but you are making this difficult for yourself.

Your dad has every right to enjoy his life after your mum.

Of course she sees her son it isn't your chair it's Ty our dads chair and he's sharing that with his family it's you that is detaching yourself not him or your sm

The fact he keeps your mug in the house means you are still part of that family it's still there for when you go.

You know you are being unreasonable.
You are making this a problem. Not them

No, the OP means her Dad gave her her mug to take away.

I don’t imagine anyone meant anything by this, but it’s a clear enough indicator they aren’t considering the OP as they should. Blended families take effort from both sides, the OP is entitled to point this out. I am sure it will get fixed fine.

aSofaNearYou · 07/04/2023 13:45

I get the sentiment, but this would be a really weird thing to do as a fully fledged adult who doesn't live there. It would be better to just openly talk to her dad about how returning the mug made her sad, than to insist they must keep her mug in their house.

maddy68 · 07/04/2023 13:48

Definitely just speak to your dad and ask to keep the mug there as it makes you feel at home

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 07/04/2023 14:08

Sounds horrid. I would struggle.

SM would be tolerable but the whole clan taking over is grim. Sympathy to you!

Original poster

Felixss · 07/04/2023 14:27

I think my Dsis is stoking it as well, she said oh her moving in giving her house to her son , she will get my dad's house when he passes (he has heart failure) and once she dies her son will get the lot. I find it horrible to think about to be honest. I like her just seeing him sat there brought back what Dsis said. I'm not bothered about inheritance really I have my own money. it's all messy. I went out with him shopping last week and spending time with him. I'm seeing them on Sunday , I guess all things take time to get used too, dad never had any interest in getting married until he had a heart attack and subsequent heart failure.

I want my DF to be happy and she makes him happy. I know he loves me and always will.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 07/04/2023 14:27

Speak to either both of them or just your step Mum and explain that you think she is lovely and you understand that she wants to decorate and change things but a few little things like the mug mean awful lot to you especially as you and your Dad were alone for so many years.

Don't bottle it up, be brave, be vulnerable and tell her/them that you are finding it hard.

Coyoacan · 07/04/2023 14:39

I'm sure those are all feelings you have no control over, OP. But it is so good that your father now has a companion in life

lunar1 · 07/04/2023 17:06

Sometimes it's the little things that really sting. There is no reason you couldn't have kept your mug there and use as normal, it's like putting a barrier up to keep you at a distance.

My dads wife did some evil things to us, some of which she should and could have been jailed for. He let her. One of the things that was the hardest at the time was completely minor in comparison. When we went to stay, there had to be no visible evidence we were there. I used to put my toothbrush in the cup next to my dads, she would check the bathroom when I'd finished, take it away to my case and put it all in the wardrobe out of sight.

Ponderingwindow · 07/04/2023 17:22

I’m middle aged and I like my father’s girlfriend, but I still have very complicated feelings about their relationship. It’s all tied up with my deceased mother and decades of emotional baggage regarding my relationship with him and have absolutely nothing to do with her.

it’s really common to have issues with this sort of thing. We can love our family member and be legitimately happy for them that they have someone in their life, while simultaneously having our own private emotional fallout to deal with.

You are allowed to have big feelings about the changes to your childhood home. It feels like an invasion because in some ways it is. Someone else is using the space and the things you view as your own, even if they aren’t yours anymore because you are grown. What you can’t do is make your father or his wife responsible for those feelings.

its also ok to admit to yourself that your parent isn’t handling things particularly sensitively. As an adult, we learn to see our parents as real people with flaws.

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