Struggling to adjust to SM moving into my childhood home.

[Felixss]

I'm embarrassed to admit this , my DF got married and SM moved into the house. Her son is living in her old home and she's given it to him. I really like my SM she's nice, patient and makes him happy. SM has been making changes moving photographs around, redecorating When I called round DF gave me my mug (it has my name on) which I use when I go round. I went round for dinner and her son and mother were there. Her mother was cooking in the kitchen and the son was sitting in the chair I've always sat in. I know it sounds ridiculous to be honest.

When they got married SM had her family on top table including her son and mum at the breakfast the following day my Dad sat with her and her family. I've reduced contact not really meaning too as it feels weird and I can't relax. Dad keeps inviting me round for meals and I'm struggling to want to blend. My dad's home was always somewhere I could relax I now feel on edge.

Has anyone got any advice on how to adjust ? I do really like her and I know it's pathetic.

Sometimes it's the little things that really sting. There is no reason you couldn't have kept your mug there and use as normal, it's like putting a barrier up to keep you at a distance.

I wouldn't say there's no reason - I have too many mugs for the space I have for mugs, so occasionally have to get rid of a load.

Also, it's quite common (and not a snub) for parents to hand their kid's stuff over to them once they have their own home - they may have viewed it as her mug, rather than the mug of theirs she uses while she's there.

Of course, if they were made aware it meant a lot to her for it to be in there, that might outweigh these things. But I don't think I'd jump to the conclusion that she'd deeply want the mug there unless she told me as much. There are innocent explanations that are not motivated by making a statement.

@felixss If she gave her son her house your father may well have told her his house will go to her if he dies. It is normal to leave everything to a partner or wife and I imagine she would want everything to go to her son. Maybe ask for a few small trinkets so you have something to remember him by.

Do you think that's morally right ? Her son gets everything her house and my DFs house?

No, it's not morally right.

Your father should hold your well-being above that of his wife and her son. He was your dad before he was in their lives.

Sorry you are being treated this poorly.

You can understand that it’s your father’s money and not need it AND feel like it’s unfair and shit that it will all go to her. I agree with @ZeldaWillTellYourFortune you are being treated poorly and that is not how I would treat my children.

My dad is leaving everything to his wife in his will. She will apparently then leave stuff to us (or more likely our kids) but we have no control over that. My mum will inherit from her mother, I know she won’t pass it on and also that he new husband will get a decent share of it. That’s despite inheriting directly herself from her grandmother.

I’m all for my parents being happy and making their own decisions but it still hurts. I will ensure my children are taken care of and prioritized in my financial affairs and this is something DH and I have discussed and agree whole heartedly on and will not change if we die, divorce or remarry.

Does your dad have a will? The family home should go to you and your sister really considering the wife already has a house of her own. I’m sure she’d inherit some money from her husband so she wouldn’t be homeless or penniless. Your dad needs to put his children first. I might be cynical, but I’d be concerned that she is only with him because she knows about his health. How old are they and how long have they been together?

But op is an independent adult, not a teenager that has to be helped to accept her Dad has moved on. It's not her home any longer.

My DF is quite shrewd with finances, he dated her quite a while . I think his health problems scared him into finally making a committment .He mentioned to my DH about making sure SM received his final salary pension as it's large and will end up just going nowhere as it cannot be inherited. He mentioned about a mirror will/life time interest so she can live in the house until she passes. I think Dsis might be resentful as she's renting and that step brother gets SMs house , while SM moves in with my DF and in all possiblity the house could be subject to care fees etc as it's looking like my SM will outlive my DF she's in her 50s and DF has severe heart failure 😥

I rubbished this as Dsis stirring but when I saw her son and mother making themselves at home then giving me my stuff it upset me. I guess I have to know in my heart my dad loves me dearly. I don't need an inheritance I have a home and good job etc.

How old are you, how old is SMs DS?

Re the wedding, where did you sit? Was the son on his own at it and you were there with family? For bfast next day, could you not have joined them?

We are all adults, SMS son is 2 years younger than me late 20s. He had his extended family there she invited more her side than my dad invited our side. I sat on a table with my Dsis. No I couldn't have joined them as there was no space on my DFs table at breakfast.

Why are you assuming her son will inherit the house, when she's already passed her original house into him?

*onto him.

He mentioned about a mirror will/life time interest so she can live in the house until she passes.

If your dad is giving her a lifetime interest then the house is going to you & your sister, so why do you think you won’t be getting an inheritance? Are you the same age as her or something?

I think Dsis might be resentful as she's renting and that step brother gets SMs house, while SM moves in with my DF and in all possiblity the house could be subject to care fees etc as it's looking like my SM will outlive my DF she's in her 50s and DF has severe heart failure

I don’t understand this part, are you talking about your dad or stepmum in regard to care home fees? If your stepmum is only being left a lifetime interest in the property, she won’t own it & therefore it won’t be subject to HER care home fees. If you’re talking about your dad though, I don’t understand the significance of your stepmum arriving on the scene as your dad’s house would have gone to cover his fees anyway.

Can you clarify?

Okay in your last post you clarified you were around 30 and your stepmum is in her 50s.

You said your dad is leaving giving her a lifetime interest in the property which mean she is NOT inheriting the house, she therefore cannot leave it to her son nor can it be used to cover her care home fees.

You will have to wait longer to liquidate the house though.

It sounds like you're feeling a bit untethered. If you've had a bit of an unstable start to life and your dad has been there for you throughout it can't be easy seeing him have a new marriage and a new priority person. It does sound a little off though about things like the son being on the top table at the wedding when you weren't as all children should have equal standing, including in what is now their shared home. Maybe have a bit of a chat with your dad about it?

I think that's really shitty about where you were seated at the wedding. They both should have given more thought to it.
My DF has done similar, and I do find it hard that my childhood home is so different. It doesn't really feel like home anymore, and although I have my own home and family now, it does feel a bit like my anchor's missing if I go to his house.

I know there is a lot of debate about how long a young person can expect to call their parents' house their home on MN, but I don't think this post is about that - more about feeling "at home" or comfortable somewhere, knowing the rhythms of daily life, falling into familiar patterns etc. Whilst it is normal and natural for those patterns to change now that OP's dad is married, that doesn't mean that it doesn't represent a genuine loss for the OP, or that her feelings of grief and sadness about it are not valid. Throwing a big strop probably wouldn't be a reasonable response, but deciding how to respond is often easier once you can be honest with yourself about how you feel, rather than trying to scour out or ignore emotions that you think are wrong or silly.

@Felixss To come at this from a slightly different angle, you mentioned that your father recently had a heart attack and now has severe heart failure? I'm wondering if some of your unease about the changes is because they occurred as a result of your father acknowledging his own mortality? It sounds like he has been a constant source of security and support throughout your life, so seeing him now unwell must be very difficult.

On a practical note, while your father may intend to write a will leaving the house to you and your DSis with your SM having a lifetime interest, he does actually need to do that properly for it to come about. If he doesn't get round to it and dies unexpectedly, your DSis is right that your SM will inherit.

@Felixss your dsis is shit stirring and trying to get at you.

Legally he's wrong too because she had a life time interest in the house but that doesn't make her the owner of the house. Therefore it won't be hers to hand down neither will it be claimed for her care fees.

I wonder if dsis knows this and is insecure about it. I suppose he's also going through a change and might be acting out at the wrong person.

Your feelings are valid. Change is unsettling to everyone. You absolutely cannot be replaced. In step families (and I grew up in one so I get it) the best thing I can advise is when I wanted to run away and separate, that was my sign to throw myself into it.
Hear me out. It doesn't have to be a them vs us - which actually always ends up as a self furfling prophecy. Join in, say yes to days/evenings out/in. No things can't go back to where they were, but maybe a new path has been cleared and maybe you can miss your past and also enjoy your future path. With respecting all the emotions both may bring.

It's gets easier. Talking helps ❤️

If my dad ever remarried, that would be the end. Me and my brother would be done with him. I think it's fine to have feelings and boundaries about the situation. However in our case, dad's GF is vile. She only hangs out with him because he pays for stuff. She wouldn't be seen for dust if he had no money. Just monitoring the situation but if he ever dicked us over with the house, I'd have no problem making my feelings plain and he'd definitely be looking after himself in even older age. My situation is different to yours but your feelings are 100% valid.

OP talk to your dad about wills and check he hasn't done mirror will. He needs to do a will leaving her a life time interest plus state who is responsible for house maintenance while she lives in his house.

I know some siblings who have now been screwed because their parent and step-parent did a mirror will then moved UK country. On the other hand I know someone whose parent left a lifetime interest for their step-parent and inheritance worked out as the parent intented. In both cases the parent died first.

Ah, OP, your feelings are of course valid.

Don't call yourself pathetic. The wedding thing sounds hurtful and I think it's natural to feel a little displaced

With regard to how you feel in the house, if you like them and they're open to communication then talk to them :) They might surprise you.

@Felixss You mention stepmother has a life interest. It's really important to check who is responsible for maintaining the property, paying repair bills. In addition you should ask Dad what happens if Stepmother gets a new partner or wants to sell and buy something else. She is only in her fifties so she may want to move or meet someone else. You could eventually face kicking her elderly new partner out of the house because she has died.

Her son is incredibly lucky being handed a free house!

I imagine that she still owns her house and that her son is just residing there.

I also imagine that your dad has left his house to you and your sis but has given his wife the right to reside in it until her death.

Your sister is overreacting I think BUT PPs are right about making sure that it’s clear in the Will who will be responsible for maintenance, whether rent will be paid, and what would happen re. any subsequent partner. You need to have this conversation gently with your dad and ensure that he’s written a watertight Will so that there are no misunderstandings about his wishes.

I honestly think that they saw the mug in the cupboard and thought that you might want it. Nothing more sinister than that.

I think you need to grow up a bit. It hasn't been your home for a long time. It's now your step mother's home so of course she's going to make changes.
When I married my husband, I sold my house and moved into the house he'd lived in for 25 years. I gave him half the house value which he used to pay off the mortgage. My name went on the deeds in return with a 50% share. We gutted the house in the first year, both paying 50% and the house now looks completely different. It hadn't been touched in the 20 years since his first wife died so it was badly needed.
Both his and my adult children have their own homes but are always welcome in our home