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Original poster

Holidays

55 replies

Deeno123 · 07/04/2023 09:34

Should stepchildren always be included in holidays? Or is it ok for DH, stepmum and their joint children to go away just them sometimes?

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TeenDivided · 07/04/2023 09:37

Surely it depends on circumstances?
Difference in age, whether they get holidays with their other parent etc?

e.g. 2 teens and 2 toddlers you may want some holidays together and some separate.

An 8 yo and a 6 yo and off to Disney , and neither been before- probably fairest to take both

Nimbostratus100 · 07/04/2023 09:40

depends entirely on the family.

Original poster
Deeno123 · 07/04/2023 09:49

One teen DSS and one toddler DD. DSS goes on regular holidays with Mum, and went with us in October. He’s been used to going to big all-inclusive places with Mum, so that’s what we did in October as knew it would suit him (first time we’d all been away together abroad due to covid, pregnancy etc).

We enjoyed the all-inclusive in October but would like to do something more low-key (and cheap!) this summer ie basic self-catering accommodation.

We were checking dates with mum as thought it would work to go away same time as them, and she’s flipped, told DSS we’re leaving him out. We haven’t even booked anything.

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Original poster
Deeno123 · 07/04/2023 09:49

DH is a teacher so we have to go in school holidays.

OP posts:
thegrain · 07/04/2023 09:51

Deeno123 · 07/04/2023 09:49

One teen DSS and one toddler DD. DSS goes on regular holidays with Mum, and went with us in October. He’s been used to going to big all-inclusive places with Mum, so that’s what we did in October as knew it would suit him (first time we’d all been away together abroad due to covid, pregnancy etc).

We enjoyed the all-inclusive in October but would like to do something more low-key (and cheap!) this summer ie basic self-catering accommodation.

We were checking dates with mum as thought it would work to go away same time as them, and she’s flipped, told DSS we’re leaving him out. We haven’t even booked anything.

Mum needs to back off. And the better way to have done it would have been for DH to work out a holiday contact schedule with his ex but at no time mentioning you were all going away.

thegrain · 07/04/2023 09:52

Your world shouldn't stop when DSC isn't there. Only exception being "once in a lifetime" style trips.

arethereanyleftatall · 07/04/2023 09:53

Yes. I don't think a parent (your dh in this case) should take one of his children on holiday and not the other. It sends a horrible message to the excluded child. If they're different ages, then he takes one on a toddler type holiday and then takes the teenager away for an equal length of time just the two of them.

arethereanyleftatall · 07/04/2023 09:56

Ah, can I amend having read the update! If he's on holiday with his mum somewhere nice at the same time, then that's kinda different. Cos you can't be expected to sit around doing nothing then. But - will this be your only Holliday or will you/your dh be taking his teenage son sonewhere nice during their contact time this summer?

WhiteBloatus · 07/04/2023 09:56

A parent should not take one of their children away and not the other. Yes they may get holidays with the other parent too, but we certainly can’t begrudge them that when they also have contend with the challenges of a blended family which are hard enough for adults to navigate let alone kids. They should always be invited (or an equivalent alternative in place) to every family holiday… like the joint children!

YellowGreenBlue · 07/04/2023 09:56

The teen may not want to come away with you for many more years so I think it's nice to include him if possible. Especially as you have to go in the school holidays anyway.

thegrain · 07/04/2023 09:58

I don't see why the shared DC should have to live their life around the shared contact schedule. They aren't involved in the divorce.

WhiteBloatus · 07/04/2023 09:59

Because all children in the family are equally important and so compromises need to be made.

aureus3012 · 07/04/2023 10:00

There was a post the other day about a lady wanting to go away with her 3 month old and husband whilst she is on mat leave, leaving behind step child. She wanted to make use of the cheap term time prices and free baby place. She got absolutely slated although personally I agreed with her as it was a one off and the price was a factor.
I think you are being unreasonable though. You just don't want your step child there. If my ex husband said he was going away with his new wife and her children and not taking our children, I would be furious and upset on their behalf.

Yousee · 07/04/2023 10:00

Personally, I would be going on a toddler friendly cheap and cheerful type holiday and encouraging DH to go away separately with his elder child.
Even a cheap week away is a lot of investment of time, emotion and energy and I see no reason why everyone shouldn't get a break appropriate for them if finances allow.
The worst thing you can do is pretend that being "equal" and being "the same" is the same thing.

thegrain · 07/04/2023 10:01

WhiteBloatus · 07/04/2023 09:59

Because all children in the family are equally important and so compromises need to be made.

Mum is split from dad. She's not in the family that is going on holiday. She gets no say and needs to wind her neck in.

Original poster
Deeno123 · 07/04/2023 10:10

It’s not that I/we don’t want him there, but we could only afford to go somewhere cheap and cheerful and I just think he’ll think it’s a bit shit compared to what he’s been used to, and would be bored to tears.

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Xrays · 07/04/2023 10:11

I think you should always try to include the step child and ask them (if they’re older) if they’d like to come. We’ve had many situations with dh and his wife and their twins where they’ve gone to really big places (Disneyland one year) and have left dd out- I mean he’s a dick so it’s an extreme example but one year he rang her from Disneyland to rave about how amazing it was, she was about 8 and it really hurt as she wasn’t asked to go (she’s now 20 and has zero relationship with him). I’m remarried and have a Ds aged 11 with my now dh and we always include dd on holidays, we’d never leave her out. The only time she hasn’t come is when we had a weekend in London and she was doing stuff with her uni mates (this was very recent) but that was her choice - we did ask her. I think you should always try to include everyone.

Xrays · 07/04/2023 10:11

Deeno123 · 07/04/2023 10:10

It’s not that I/we don’t want him there, but we could only afford to go somewhere cheap and cheerful and I just think he’ll think it’s a bit shit compared to what he’s been used to, and would be bored to tears.

You should explain that and give the option of coming or not.

Original poster
Deeno123 · 07/04/2023 10:12

So it’d either be that or we don’t go at all. I’m more annoyed that Mum has sold it to DSS as him being left out. Mum and her DP go away plenty on their own (no joint kids).

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Miscellaneousme · 07/04/2023 10:12

I don’t see anything wrong with going away with your toddler sometimes and other times including your DSS. He has holidays with his mum too (nice and expensive ones from the sound of it). Otherwise it becomes a slippery slope to just then never having a holiday if you can’t afford a pricier one for all of you every time. So your toddler then misses out to keep things “fair” except it’s not actually fair, as your DSS will continue to holiday with his mum.

Perhaps DSS mum just wanted a week to herself. But she doesn’t get to weigh in on your plans - especially as you have also included your DSS in a recent big holiday.

Of course this is mumsnet where step-parents can never get it right, so prepare to be flamed.

Miscellaneousme · 07/04/2023 10:13

She probably just wants to book a couples break for whenever you take DSS away..

Yousee · 07/04/2023 10:16

Deeno123 · 07/04/2023 10:12

So it’d either be that or we don’t go at all. I’m more annoyed that Mum has sold it to DSS as him being left out. Mum and her DP go away plenty on their own (no joint kids).

This annoys me, too. She was so keen to paint you as the bad guy but she's the only one who actively went out of her way to make sure her child's feelings get hurt. Not that many on MN will see it that way, because she's the mother and can do no wrong.

Teapleasebobb · 07/04/2023 10:19

Deeno123 · 07/04/2023 10:10

It’s not that I/we don’t want him there, but we could only afford to go somewhere cheap and cheerful and I just think he’ll think it’s a bit shit compared to what he’s been used to, and would be bored to tears.

I think you should still give dss the option to come. That way it's their decision. If you choose to book it when he is away it may be seen by dss that you don't want them there and that's unfair on them (especially as mum seems to be shit stirring). Just book what suits you as a family with the option for dss to come. Book what's in your budget and give him the option, if dss or mum complains, just say that's your budget and you'd like him to come but understand if he doesn't want to.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 07/04/2023 10:19

Surely if dss is a teen you say "we are booking a week at the Lakes/etc on X date, let us know if you fancy joining us"

He can decide if he wants to come or not. If he only ever does AI abroad trips, he may not even know if he would enjoy this sort of break.

Ragwort · 07/04/2023 10:19

He's not being 'left out' if your holiday is a self catering caravan in Skegness (no offence) and he is invited ... he can choose whether to come or not.

Our own DS isn't exactly excited about some of our holidays ... ie; s/c in the Lakes and he is of an age when he can come with us or stay at home .. obviously your DSS isn't old enough to stay alone but he can stay with his mum or if she is going away he goes on the 'cheap' holiday.

Everyone has to understand (whether a step child or not) that holidays aren't always exotic or 'big trips'. But a good idea for your DH to perhaps take him away for a break on his own .. we do this in our family (no step DC) but it's still nice for my DS to do a camping or golf trip with DH ... which is of no interest to me.