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Original poster

Treating children the same

55 replies

Motherhood86 · 01/04/2023 22:00

Hi just wanting to see if I'm being totally unrealistic or not!
Partner and I have just blended families after 7 years of being together. So all under one roof now and have been in each others lives for many years.
We decided together once moved in we would treat boys ( both young teens ) the same. Treat them both as if 'our' children not mine and his.
I have been doing my best to do all the things I do for my Son to his. Practical things as well as attention etc
We are 5 weeks in. My partner isn't. It's pissing me off. We have chatted about it and he says he just needs more time to adjust.
Latest thing is, my partner has gone away (trip planned before we moved in) I'm home with boys making effort to have a nice time. He has called his Son twice in first day, hasn't called my Son once and I know he won't for during whole of trip. Am I being silly feeling really annoyed by this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Motherhood86 · 03/04/2023 18:35

Thanks @YetMoreNewBeginnings it all feels quite overwhelming In some ways. The thinking about who's doing what with who. He isn't treating my Son the same as his but he is very on top of his Son micro manages, where as I'm not at all like that with my Son. He is however making small efforts. I think I just need to see how it plays out with more time. Even though my Son seems very happy and really enjoying having males In the house I won't be happy if in time he doesn't make more effort.

OP posts:
SemperIdem · 03/04/2023 18:45

He’s not going to treat your son the same as his. You will drive yourself mad trying to force this and it will ruin the relationship.

Let their relationship develop naturally rather than outlining unrealistic expectations repeatedly.

thegrain · 03/04/2023 19:56

SemperIdem · 03/04/2023 18:45

He’s not going to treat your son the same as his. You will drive yourself mad trying to force this and it will ruin the relationship.

Let their relationship develop naturally rather than outlining unrealistic expectations repeatedly.

Yes this! It might even be that his son accepts you as a maternal figure more than your son wants him to be a father figure. They may not want to be treated the same. You're trying to keep score and that way leads to trouble.

CornishGem1975 · 03/04/2023 19:57

SemperIdem · 03/04/2023 18:45

He’s not going to treat your son the same as his. You will drive yourself mad trying to force this and it will ruin the relationship.

Let their relationship develop naturally rather than outlining unrealistic expectations repeatedly.

Exactly this.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 03/04/2023 20:26

Motherhood86 · 03/04/2023 18:35

Thanks @YetMoreNewBeginnings it all feels quite overwhelming In some ways. The thinking about who's doing what with who. He isn't treating my Son the same as his but he is very on top of his Son micro manages, where as I'm not at all like that with my Son. He is however making small efforts. I think I just need to see how it plays out with more time. Even though my Son seems very happy and really enjoying having males In the house I won't be happy if in time he doesn't make more effort.

It will feel overwhelming - it’s a complete change of life and dynamics for all of you.

What you need to balance out is how he treats the two boys. Treating them equally isn’t always (sometimes isn’t often) about treating them exactly the same all of the time. It’s about making the effort to find the way to make them both feel looked after, respected and feeling equal.
So for example next weekend when I’m away I’ll video call DD3 each day briefly, I’ll text DS2, but I won’t call or speak to DD4 as video calls and hearing voices from people she can’t touch upsets her. So they don’t get exactly the same treatment, but they get the same consideration.

From your posts I think that’s what you feel your partner isn’t giving yet. He’s not thinking of your DS yet. It’ll take him time, but you should keep an eye on it. If he’s just adjusting and finding their way, which won’t be exactly the same as him and his DS, then that’s fine.

I think it sounds like your fear is that he’s not interested or bothered in your DS beyond a superficial level. And if that was right then it would be unfair of him to be expecting you to be a proper parental figure to his DS whilst he didn’t bother with yours (unless that was the express wish of the two boys).

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