Treating children the same

[Motherhood86]

Hi just wanting to see if I'm being totally unrealistic or not!
Partner and I have just blended families after 7 years of being together. So all under one roof now and have been in each others lives for many years.
We decided together once moved in we would treat boys ( both young teens ) the same. Treat them both as if 'our' children not mine and his.
I have been doing my best to do all the things I do for my Son to his. Practical things as well as attention etc
We are 5 weeks in. My partner isn't. It's pissing me off. We have chatted about it and he says he just needs more time to adjust.
Latest thing is, my partner has gone away (trip planned before we moved in) I'm home with boys making effort to have a nice time. He has called his Son twice in first day, hasn't called my Son once and I know he won't for during whole of trip. Am I being silly feeling really annoyed by this?

We have had the chat about expectations and have both agreed we want to take on the mum/dad roles hoping it would benefit both children is that what the kids want. Are the kids not just happy as it is without you pretending to be something you aren't?

it's really hard to try to be fair to both kids all of the time! there's fair and there's treating them identically. Who goes to parents evening? The doctors etc?

We haven't got to that point of parents eve and docs yet. I'd imagine i will go to mine and he to his but again I don't know how far to take it. Weather we should go to them both or not

@Motherhood86
You seem to be over thinking this in a massive way. You are talking about 2 teenagers who seemingly have not given any indication that they are in any way dissatisfied with the status quo. You are trying to fix something that as of now does not appear to be broken.

There is a massive difference between proactively anticipating problems and actively creating problems. You seem given to doing the latter.

Relax time may bring problems and situations that require fixing, but until that time enjoy your life.

But when you were living separately you all got on fine not doing that. This set up is really weird

Treat them both as if 'our' children not mine and his.

But they're not. And you risk minimising your relationship with your own child by trying to force the same relationship with your SC. I think your own child should still be able to feel that his mum is his mum, that ultimately you love him above all else. Same goes for your SS.

It's not like you've had an urge to adopt a child and raise them as a sibling, and as your own.

The other child is in your life because you want to be with his dad. And vice versa. And the kids are old enough to realise that.

Im possibly not explaining myself properly, but i hope you see what I mean.

Thanks @Mari9999 I think im stressing out too much about it. I guess Ive got carried away, I've wanted a 'dad' figure for my Son for so long and feels really important now as he's grown apart from me naturally as teenage boys do from their Mum and needs a good male role model to look up too. I appreciate what you said about not over thinking it and relaxing! I need to do that.
@excelledyourself thanks I understand what your saying- the urge to be the mum to his Son just comes from him never having that mum figure and just the hopes I've had of having a 'normal' family. I know obviously this isn't though.

Your over reaching by assuming that either child wants or needs a " replacement" parent . You don't get to make that decision for your son or your partner's son.

It’s a hard line to find sometimes. My eldest is technically my step-son, his mummy died when he was a toddler, and it takes a long time for relationships to grow and change.

That said if it’s what you’ve both discussed and agreed then he should at least be making the effort. Has he been in touch with your DS at all?

are the two boys of similar age?

Just be careful - it’s one thing for him to say he needs time, but just make sure he’s not quite happy for you to be mum to his (especially if that involves lots of childcare and housework) with zero intention of stepping up for your son. That does happen quite often with men.

@Motherhood86

It sounds as though you might be on the road to having a solid and well adjusted family if you just relax and let things evolve naturally.

Here's to wishing you the very best.

@YetMoreNewBeginnings thanks for your reply. No he has not been in touch with my Son at all. My Son is 14, his is 13.
I am worried that I'm putting in all the effort, it's a really tricky situation with lots of potential for wires to get crossed.

@Mari9999 thank you 😊

You need to speak to him again about expectations.

On the one hand it’s understandable he’s checking in on his DS, especially if it’s one of the first times he’s been left since they moved in. Equally though it wouldn’t take him a few moments to text your DS and check in with him.

Treating them both exactly the same every time won’t be something you do - mostly because they’re different people so have different needs and wants.

But he need to show as much consideration toward your child as he expects you to show his. That’s just basic.

If you sense that your ds is disappointed you could maybe suggest to your oh that he could drop him a text? Him phoning your ds for a chat feels a bit weird to me but sending a text would show that he's thinking about him. That might be nice. I've been a step parent for years and still don't phone my stepkids for a chat. We do text and WhatsApp now and again though.

@YetMoreNewBeginnings he's not checking in because he doesn't feel the need to. Why force it?

Feeling obliged to text him coz he's phoned his own son is just silly

I so disagree with pps that it's not possible to treat them both the same. My partner does, so it's possible.

Even if it is possible it might not be desirable

@gkhg
Treating children all.the same is only effective if their needs are the same. Otherwise you are putting on a shells performance to an empty house.
The goal should be treating all kids well while responding to their individual needs and personalities.

I read my youngest a bed time story for years while her older sibling preferred to listen to music at bedtime. She found her dad and I to be nuisance. My older child as a young child had a preference for toys that were costly. My younger child preferred books to toys. The older wanted to participate in sports which consumed quite a bit of our time at games and practices. The younger preferred to practice her music lessons alone and we were only required to attend the occasional music recitals.

One child on the whole required more time and resource investment. They other child had more solitary and less resource demanding pursuits. Their needs and interests were vastly different. We treated both well and responded to their individual needs . The only sameness involved was that they were both our much loved children and both were treated well. They never felt that they were in competition and would go to each other's events without complaint or disagreement. On the rare occasion that they both had an event one parent and one grandparent would attend the events.

They, like all children, were not perfect children and they have their disagreements and squabbles, but never have they felt that they were not treated well or loved enough.

Do you have a similar set up in terms of ages, as the op?

I think it is very easy, with very young children, to see them as “one of your own”. Especially if there are no older siblings their side.

It is difficult and probably undesirable to do so, if the children are older. I was 10 when my step parent because a part of my life, they had no children. They were encouraged by my parent to dive headlong into “parenting”. This wasn’t the right approach it turned out, for me. It made me awkward and belligerent. They stepped back and let the relationship build naturally. Almost 25 years later, I love that step parent just as much as my biological parents, this has been the case for around 15 years. They are my child’s favourite grandparent.

I have 3 step children and my own child. I interact differently with all 4 children, there is little I do the same across all of them except being very consistent around basic manners. They are all so, so different. My dh struggled with that initially, he has no experience of being a stepchild whereas I do. We talk all the time about the families relationships with each other, pressure points etc.

It’s not black and white with blended families op -open communication is key. Don’t let things fester, don’t let it become an argument, you and your partner are a team here but what’s right for you might not be right for him, right now.

The problem is, if your son sees you embrace your DSS but your partner can't do the same for your son, it will batter your sons mental health. Your son is your son, your DSS isn't. I think I would have stayed living apart OP cos I see this working out for everyone apart from YOUR child. This will turn shit quick so I would separate the households so my son didn't suffer.

@jemimapuddlepluck my Son is really enjoying the new house and having my partner to talk to and ask advice ect. My partner has fixed his bike and we are going camping which will involve my partner reaching my Son how to make a fire catch fish and other things. I get what your saying but if my partner is just getting used to this and is able to treat them both the same in time it will be better for my Son in the long run I think. My Son would be really upset if I said we were moving out.

Thats fair enough OP but something about this set up just sounds too forced. I wish you all happiness but just try to remember that to you, your son should be number 1. He might start to resent your efforts with your SS, especially if your partner never reciprocates and I wouldn't blame him one bit. So really, your partner needs to cotton on and quick.

Just be careful that it’s not just big things he does because he has to.

Going camping or fixing bikes is lovely. But if it’s not backed up by the little gestures or considerations then it’s just for show.

You do need to be realistic. I couldn’t tell you when DS genuinely began to mean as much to me as my biological children, but it did take time and that was from a very young age.

As long as communication is open - between all of you - that’s the key thing.

Yes @jemimapuddlepluck I agree. If I don't start seeing more effort soon I will have to re think. It's difficult as I don't want to stop doing the things I'm doing for his Son as then it's just tit for tat. I'm will continue and see what the next few weeks bring. Thank you for your reply :)