Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Treating children the same

55 replies

Motherhood86 · 01/04/2023 22:00

Hi just wanting to see if I'm being totally unrealistic or not!
Partner and I have just blended families after 7 years of being together. So all under one roof now and have been in each others lives for many years.
We decided together once moved in we would treat boys ( both young teens ) the same. Treat them both as if 'our' children not mine and his.
I have been doing my best to do all the things I do for my Son to his. Practical things as well as attention etc
We are 5 weeks in. My partner isn't. It's pissing me off. We have chatted about it and he says he just needs more time to adjust.
Latest thing is, my partner has gone away (trip planned before we moved in) I'm home with boys making effort to have a nice time. He has called his Son twice in first day, hasn't called my Son once and I know he won't for during whole of trip. Am I being silly feeling really annoyed by this?

OP posts:
Mari9999 · 01/04/2023 22:43

OP, why do you have to make an effort to have a good time? Are you not capable of having a good time when your partner is not there? Your blending situation is off to a bad start if you are counting phone calls.

In a nuclear family, it would not be unusual for a parent to be away without the other family members and no one would have to work at having a good time. Nor would it be unusual for the traveling parent to speak with one child more than another. If the parent was away on a weekend trip, he or she might not speak to any of the children.

If the success of your blending experience is going to be measured by a calendar, or a count you are settling up artificial parameters that don't normally exist in a normal shared living existence.

If the 2 of you are creating a pleasant living environment for both boys, it is unlikely that they will be doing a phone call count. You don't necessarily need to be treating the boys the same. They are not the same. You need to be treating both boys well and responding appropriately to the individuality. If you do that, you will have happy boys living in a comfortable environment. Using clocks, calendars, and yard sticks, are a way to create a competitive environment rather than a home.

SemperIdem · 01/04/2023 23:06

It’s unrealistic to have the expectation you will treat the children “the same” beyond house rules. With kindness and consistency, absolutely. The same, no.

I don’t feel the same way about my step children as I do my own child. Nor do I need to, they have a mother.

Floofydawg · 02/04/2023 07:35

Agree you seem to have unrealistic expectations. I talk to my daughter (living away from home) about twice a week. Her stepdad doesn't, unless he calls 'hi' from across the room or whatever. Similarly with his adult son - I don't talk to him.

The reality is that they're not both your joint children. One is yours, and one is his.

Starlitestarbright · 02/04/2023 07:38

Your making an issue that isn't there op.

Floofydawg · 02/04/2023 07:48

Also I'd be more pissed off that he's effed off on a trip leaving you to babysit his kid, who should be there to see his dad, not you.

Yousee · 02/04/2023 07:50

Young teens know who their parents are, there is no need to play pretend. Beyond agreeing house rules and making sure both get a treat with the supermarket shop you are just borrowing trouble IMO.
What is so terrible about a parent/child relationship being special, anyway?

Sairk · 02/04/2023 07:52

I think you've got really unrealistic expectations. House rules should be the same. Same amount of money on presents ect. But it would be really odd to artificially impose contact rules between your partner and your kids.

thegrain · 02/04/2023 07:55

You are taking it far too far.

He has called his Son twice in first day, hasn't called my Son once and I know he won't for during whole of trip. Am I being silly feeling really annoyed by this?

Why are you trying to force a relationship that isn't there? If you just let them be what they are it's much better an natural. Accept you are not his son's mum and he is not your son's dad. But you can still both play a role in each others life. Your way is far too rigid. Sure have the same house rules and do washing for them both, same pocket money etc. But why are you so determined to devalue your relationship as your child's mum to the extent you act as if you are his child's mum- why erase your history.

This blanket treating them like your own is very harmful. Treat them as they are. An individual.

Nimbostratus100 · 02/04/2023 07:56

but your relationships with the boys are not the same and will never be, how will your boy feel to be relegated to the equal of a step son, rather than being special to you? That is cruel

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/04/2023 07:56

Is your son upset he hasn’t called him?

CantWait01 · 02/04/2023 07:57

I think it’s daft to make everything exactly the same even down to the number of phone calls to each kid. Be realistic!

thegrain · 02/04/2023 07:58

Also if you've been together 7 years then your kids have had time to build a relationship with you both anyway so why suddenly try to change that relationship?!

Original poster
Motherhood86 · 02/04/2023 09:49

Thanks for replies. Neither boy has a relationship with their other parent. So the idea was we could try to be that other parent to them. I am not bothered about the amount of phone calls it's more than we have said we would treat boys as if they were both 'ours' so to call one and not call the other is not doing that. I guess I am being unrealistic. My Son really likes my partner and would love to be treated equally to his Son. Also his Son appeares to really enjoy me doing 'mum' things for him.
We were going to try to give the boys something they've been missing but wouldn't if boys were not open to it.

OP posts:
thegrain · 02/04/2023 10:09

No that's shit. You can't just decide to be their other parent

thegrain · 02/04/2023 10:12

I think you need to examine your own attitude towards their other parents not being in their lives. It sounds like you're trying to create a replacement dad and that's not at all healthy. Let the relationship be what it is organically.

SemperIdem · 02/04/2023 11:36

Relationships take time to develop, years even, in the case of blended families.

Don’t go in too hard and try to force it now, when it is early days. It will cause far more harm than good.

lunar1 · 02/04/2023 12:36

You can't force a relationship in this way, it's awful and uncomfortable for everyone involved.

Treating them both the same in terms of resources is very different to erasing family ties and just deciding a parent/child bond can be replicated just because it's what you want.

Original poster
Motherhood86 · 02/04/2023 12:45

I just think it's difficult to have boys in house and treat them differently. We are trying to start as we mean to go on and it's not like we are all strangers. We have built up connections over years. I thought being the a close step parent would really help the boys but I don't really know what I'm doing. If either boy showed in any way that they were not keen I would change tact but they seem both really happy with what we or at least I am doing.

OP posts:
giggly · 02/04/2023 12:54

Just because the others parent is not involved you simply cannot assume that role. Imagine for a moment your a child and your fathers partner tells you that they are now your mum? The same logic would apply to a deceased parent.
My exdh calls my dc both teens at different times, one may get three calls in a week the other one they are not bothered.
Be careful of your high expectations of a blended family

Floofydawg · 02/04/2023 12:58

I completely agree with @giggly. You sound like you're trying to be his mum - you're not, and never will be.

thegrain · 02/04/2023 13:07

giggly · 02/04/2023 12:54

Just because the others parent is not involved you simply cannot assume that role. Imagine for a moment your a child and your fathers partner tells you that they are now your mum? The same logic would apply to a deceased parent.
My exdh calls my dc both teens at different times, one may get three calls in a week the other one they are not bothered.
Be careful of your high expectations of a blended family

Exactly this.

There's treating them the same in terms of rules and kindness etc and there's pretending their your own child.

thegrain · 02/04/2023 13:07

Motherhood86 · 02/04/2023 12:45

I just think it's difficult to have boys in house and treat them differently. We are trying to start as we mean to go on and it's not like we are all strangers. We have built up connections over years. I thought being the a close step parent would really help the boys but I don't really know what I'm doing. If either boy showed in any way that they were not keen I would change tact but they seem both really happy with what we or at least I am doing.

There's being close - which is great. And there's trying to be a replacement mum

Thelifeofawife · 02/04/2023 13:14

OP you can’t force the relationship but I think you need to speak to your DP and explain that if he wants you to assume the role of mum then he has to do his equal share of the dad role.
If your son is upset that he didn’t get a call I would say to your DP that he was a bit upset, then leave it up to DP to see whether he takes that on board and follows up with a call. If he doesn’t then you definitely need to sit and discuss how you move forward as a family when it’s all one-sided effort.
If your son isn’t bothered then for the sake of harmony you’re best off not raising this particular thing as an issue.

It can be difficult blending a family. My DH very much expects me to be mum when his DC are here, but his level of effort towards my DC is pretty much limited, which has caused a lot of arguments and forced me to back away from his DC many times (though I always end up making the effort again for his DC because it’s not their fault their dad is being a tool).
The difference with us is that my DC doesn’t need him to be dad as they have a wonderful dad already.

Its important to both set your boundaries early on, because if you just both go doing your own thing it can cause problems further down the line (like with me and my DH)

Original poster
Motherhood86 · 02/04/2023 13:29

My Son wouldn't say if he was upset by it. He's 14 and wouldn't like to admit that he was bothered but last night at bedtime my Son could hear him having a long conversation with his Son. We have had the chat about expectations and have both agreed we want to take on the mum/dad roles hoping it would benefit both children. My partner is trying but says it will take him time to adjust. I'm not going to bring up phonecalls @Thelifeofawife it's really hard to try to be fair to both kids all of the time! Quite draining :/

OP posts:
Floofydawg · 02/04/2023 13:39

I honestly think you're completely over thinking it all. You've had some very helpful responses but you just keep coming back to justify why you're doing what you're doing.

Frankly, I think it's odd that you think your son would be upset by the lack of a phone call. I think you're creating a problem which doesn't exist.

Swipe left for the next trending thread