Taken on too much responsibility for step kids

[EmirateReign]

I need some help, advice, thoughts. This is a long story so I’ll try and keep it as short as I can, but it might be a long read.

TLDR; I live with my boyfriend, who now has full custody of 1 of his kids, that I look after every night during the week because my boyfriend works night shifts. I don’t enjoy looking after her, she is 11, extremely misbehaved and all around just lots of hard work. She doesn’t act up as much to me because she knows I won’t take it, but still she’s just a tough kid to live and bond with. I now completely regret offering to help but I’m stuck because they went through a court case etc to sort out the child arrangements. I don’t want to look after her anymore!

I have 1 son who is 13 and lives with me half the time and his Dad the other half of the time, we separated when my son was under 1, so I’ve been use to having some child free days every week while he’s at his Dads. We sorted everything out amicably there was never any court involved etc.

When I met my boyfriend, everything was great as it always is at the start of a new relationship. My boyfriend has 2 kids, a daughter who is 11 and a son who is 7. The old arrangement was he would have his kids every other weekend, and he’d get them from school 2 days a week, give them tea etc then drop them back off at their Mums on his way to work. It was never stable though, he would always get last minute calls saying can you have the kids because of X, Y or Z.

I moved in with my boyfriend, in hindsight far too soon, we’d been together for 8 months.

Everything just went into full absolute utter carnage mode is the only way to describe it all.

First the kids Mum got done for drink driving and where she was living wasn’t in walking distance of school, so it was a mixture of my boyfriend or my boyfriends parents having to take them to and from school.

Then, the kids Mums grandad got prosecuted and found guilty for online child offences. The Mum was living in a rented flat next door to her Nana & Grandad. Neither me or my boyfriend knew anything about this court case until … my boyfriend got a call 1 night from social services saying we’re outside your kids Mums house, if we go in and find that the children are not there and are in fact at their grandparents, they will be removed and taken to yours.

The kids were then placed on the child protection register and my boyfriend and their Mum had to attend meetings and the Mum had to complete a course on keeping them safe or something. The kids Mum wasn’t fully aware of everything I don’t think and believed her Grandad when he said it wasn’t true etc. She does love the kids and wouldn’t intentionally place them in harms way I don’t think.

Due to everything with her Grandad, the kids Mum then went to live at her boyfriends which is in walking distance of the kids school. The kids but especially the daughter who is older hated it there as she didn’t have her own room and had to sleep on a sofa bed etc.

My boyfriend and the kids Mum then just completely hated each other and it all got really toxic and she would always threaten to never let him see the kids again etc etc, which then ended up in my boyfriend then looking to get a court order put in place so she couldn’t stop him from seeing the kids.

We started that process and it just got awful, the daughter would kick right off anytime she had to go back to her Mums.

The both kids do not get on at all and fight like cat and dog with each other pretty much 24/7.

My boyfriends Mum would then say things like ‘the kids would be so much better off with you full time’ and she wasn’t saying it to try and ask me to do that, I think it was more of a passing comment and opinion thing really.

I started to think about it more and thought maybe his daughter could live here.

We spoke about it a lot and my boyfriend did say things like are you sure etc etc and at that time I was sure. I just felt like I needed to help.

The court case was resolved with my boyfriend getting full custody of his daughter and the Mum of their son, both kids are with us every other weekend and with their mum the other 2 weekends.

My boyfriend has his own struggles with ADHD (not yet diagnosed) and finds being a parent very very hard.

The kids are the way they are because of him and their Mum. They have never had consistent boundaries.

So then I tried to start helping him with ideas on how to manage their behaviour etc.

My son is really well behaved and always has been, he would never dream of speaking to me the way my boyfriends daughter speaks to her Dad.

Problem is, deep down I just think he can not be bothered. He will start being a bit more strict for a couple weeks, but then it all just dwindles down and before we know it, it’s back to shit with her ignoring his requests, constantly answering back and having a bad attitude 24/7.

He can ignore it much better than I can, but from the very first time she says no or kicks off when he’s asking her to do something simple, it really really pisses me off.

Now in fairness to her she doesn’t argue back to me the same way she does to her Dad. But if I ask her to do something, she literally never does it first time and has to be asked 4 or 5 times.

I have tried and tried to communicate with my boyfriend but he just does not get it.

It’s now got to a point where I dread her coming home from school, I do not enjoy having to look after her when he’s in work, and at weekends when she is here, I use to look after her so she could play out with her friends while my boyfriend goes to football, but I’ve started saying no to that now.

My boyfriend gets annoyed when I say no, because to him he’s like ‘well I would do it for you’ if it was the other way round, but he does not look after my son like that, because he never needs to, but he does pick him up from school for me in the week as I work until 6pm.

So he’ll take the kids to his parents house for a few hours on Saturdays while he’s at football, this always causes a full on war with his daughter and she kicks right off because she doesn’t want to go, she wants to stay here so she can play out with her friends.

So if I’m honest I think it bothers my boyfriend more because he knows it’s going to cause her to have a full on tantrum that he can’t be bothered to deal with.

Ok so most of the story is covered now comes my big dilemma about what the f**k I’m going to do. I feel stuck, now that there’s a court case. It cost my boyfriend £5000 to get that sorted out, but I just do not want to look after her anymore.

We did split up for about a month a year ago and I left, but I came back because he promised he would sort his own shit out as well as be a better parent and realise he’s not the kids best friend he needs to be their Dad and teach them how to be better people.

I’m definitely at a point where I’m almost done again and wanting to leave. But I think a huge part of that is the stress and strain me having to look after his daughter is having.

What would anyone suggest? Or do in my situation?

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to split up but I cannot do this for much longer. If she didn’t live here, maybe it would go back to being a bit less chaotic on a daily basis. But how can I offer to help then 2 years later say actually I don’t want to do this anymore.

I just don’t know what to do, how to say it to my boyfriend, but I do know I can’t live like this for much longer.

Any opinions and advice here would be greatly appreciated. X

He's being lazy....he should sort her out in the morning and do school run before going to bed then if she's off Ill he should be taking time off to care for her like he would if you worked out of the home.
I get you doing the personal chats as you have experienced it first hand so can reassure her but I wouldn't be organising parties etc that's his job and I'd be setting him straight on the expectations of a parent.
I'd expect his sleep to be 9.30 to 4 ish he's got a child to look after ask him what his childcare plan is going forward as you've told him your going to leave if he didn't change.

i don’t think all of the issue is dsd… you are parenting your dp as much as her… it’s the double whammy that’s the issue.

If he cannot parent that’s a real problem… but it sounds like he’s deferring onto you because it’s hard… no shit Sherlock being a parent is really tough! but it doesn’t mean he can sideline it to you… because you are not her parent so can’t just tell her to do x because you say so.

so tell him he needs to actively parent his child or you are leaving.. not just a parent for 2 weeks but forever. If working nights doesn’t fit with that that’s his issue to sort.

you might actually like her once she is not a responsibility op, and you stepped up to help not replace

What would he do about his nights and childcare if you did leave?! He would find a solution. He would make this more equal if he wanted too...it just sounds like he has the best of it all at the moment whilst you pick up all the crap! Well done you for setting more boundaries like with the football, but it sounds like you need more than that to move forward in the relationship.

I didn’t read it all
as your poor DC seem
to have been chucked
into this shit fest and no one seems to care about his emotional well-being

@rogueone the OP has been quite clear about how this isn't the case. Read the whole post if you're going to comment 🙄

OP, he is lazy. It is time for him to step up and for you to step back. Set the boundaries of what you're happy to do, vs what he now needs to do!

We did split up for about a month a year ago and I left, but I came back because he promised he would sort his own shit out as well as be a better parent and realise he’s not the kids best friend he needs to be their Dad and teach them how to be better people.

The most important thing is to ask yourself if he has sorted his shot out?

Clearly the answer is NO. He hasn’t. And he simply WON’T.

You are deeply unhappy and he doesn’t want to change. He has said he would - but talk is cheap. Listen to his actions.

This isn’t going to get better.

He needs to sort himself out. Day shift and not disappearing at the weekend to football.

Can you imagine a man moving in with his gf of 8 months and taking on all of this? Working full time from home, taking care of his gf child, while the woman chose to work nights, stays in bed until 4, then enjoys her footy at the weekend. While he organised parties and styles hair.

It’s his daughter and he needs to alter his lifestyle to put her needs first. That includes being the primary caretaker not getting a woman to do it for.

If not maybe they need to explore her mum getting support to look after her. He fought to have her full time he needs to sort out his shit.

Your son is your priority.

You made a series of bad decisions, and now you need to make a good one. For your ds.

You have one child. He needs to be your primary focus. He is living in an unhealthy, tense home and no matter how well he gets on with bf, you need to remove ds from this shitshow.

Get your own flat. Move with ds. If you can carry on a relationship with dp from there, great. But no parenting of dc other than your own. His parenting style and yours do not fit. Do not attempt to be stepmum.

You raise your dc. He raises his. In your own spaces. In your own ways.

Your poor DS. You need to move out.

If you really think he’s an amazing boyfriend, carry on seeing him whilst living apart.

However, I suspect he won’t be so keen when he loses his free childcare. He will swiftly replace you with some other mug.

Got this situation sounds terrible. That poor girls sounds like she’s saddled with 2 inadequate parents and has suffered from their neglectful parenting.

Still she is being neglected. When does your partner actually parent her then?

I think you should leave. I don’t see anyway this could end well for you.

Yea you probably shouldn’t have offered to help care for a child you barely knew and wasn’t prepared to take long term care of. However at the end of the day it’s your partners responsibility. I assume it is him who got the court order for residence and not you.

I understand you feel sympathy for your BFs kids, who wouldn’t, poor little buggers.

But your ultimate responsibility is to your son. Do what is right for him.

I don't know why anyone would engage in this level of drama, especially when you already have a child.

None of this is your problem. Just leave.

You said this "My boyfriend gets annoyed when I say no, because to him he’s like ‘well I would do it for you’ if it was the other way round, but he does not look after my son like that, because he never needs to, but he does pick him up from school for me in the week as I work until 6pm.

So he’ll take the kids to his parents house for a few hours on Saturdays while he’s at football, this always causes a full on war with his daughter and she kicks right off because she doesn’t want to go, she wants to stay here so she can play out with her friends." And then post about how he doesn't get out of bed till 4pm and basically does nothing with or for her during the week. You are the default parent, you're shopping for her, supporting her, remembering the excursions, buying things doe camp.

The biggest problem isn't her, it's your DP. He should be doing all the afternoon parenting till he has to leave for work. How long is his commute if he's starting at 8:30? He needs to get up earlier during the week and do those things a parent needs to do, like buying her clothes and carrying the mental load, paying for school excursions, buying her camp things. HE should be setting strong boundaries around her behaviour when you're working, but doing so would mean he'd actually have to get up and parent, he doesn't care how you work is effected as long as he gets to sleep.

Some of the evening childcare and morning school run might unavoidably fall to you, but the rest, he should be doing. He's the parent, he should be doing everything he can to parent HIS child. This goes far beyond the shift pattern, he's dumping it all on you and not even prioritising his daughter over his own needs on the weekend. You parent, his mum picks up weekend childcare, I'll bet when he comes home from footy he needs to relax with a beer and you're still the default parent even when he's there and awake. That's bad enough behaviour in a relationship where it's a joint child let alone when it's your step child. If you still want to save things with him I'd write down everything you do and he does for DD and tell him this is unsustainable and he needs to step up and parent HIS child or you're done. The fact you offered to help with childcare doesn't mean you asked for the whole job of parenting this child to be dumped on you. That's on him, not you or her, he's a pretty shitty father and that would turn me off him.

I agree with the others, just leave. This is way too much, and your DP isn't even genuinely appreciative and trying to minimise the strain on you.