Taken on too much responsibility for step kids

[EmirateReign]

I need some help, advice, thoughts. This is a long story so I’ll try and keep it as short as I can, but it might be a long read.

TLDR; I live with my boyfriend, who now has full custody of 1 of his kids, that I look after every night during the week because my boyfriend works night shifts. I don’t enjoy looking after her, she is 11, extremely misbehaved and all around just lots of hard work. She doesn’t act up as much to me because she knows I won’t take it, but still she’s just a tough kid to live and bond with. I now completely regret offering to help but I’m stuck because they went through a court case etc to sort out the child arrangements. I don’t want to look after her anymore!

I have 1 son who is 13 and lives with me half the time and his Dad the other half of the time, we separated when my son was under 1, so I’ve been use to having some child free days every week while he’s at his Dads. We sorted everything out amicably there was never any court involved etc.

When I met my boyfriend, everything was great as it always is at the start of a new relationship. My boyfriend has 2 kids, a daughter who is 11 and a son who is 7. The old arrangement was he would have his kids every other weekend, and he’d get them from school 2 days a week, give them tea etc then drop them back off at their Mums on his way to work. It was never stable though, he would always get last minute calls saying can you have the kids because of X, Y or Z.

I moved in with my boyfriend, in hindsight far too soon, we’d been together for 8 months.

Everything just went into full absolute utter carnage mode is the only way to describe it all.

First the kids Mum got done for drink driving and where she was living wasn’t in walking distance of school, so it was a mixture of my boyfriend or my boyfriends parents having to take them to and from school.

Then, the kids Mums grandad got prosecuted and found guilty for online child offences. The Mum was living in a rented flat next door to her Nana & Grandad. Neither me or my boyfriend knew anything about this court case until … my boyfriend got a call 1 night from social services saying we’re outside your kids Mums house, if we go in and find that the children are not there and are in fact at their grandparents, they will be removed and taken to yours.

The kids were then placed on the child protection register and my boyfriend and their Mum had to attend meetings and the Mum had to complete a course on keeping them safe or something. The kids Mum wasn’t fully aware of everything I don’t think and believed her Grandad when he said it wasn’t true etc. She does love the kids and wouldn’t intentionally place them in harms way I don’t think.

Due to everything with her Grandad, the kids Mum then went to live at her boyfriends which is in walking distance of the kids school. The kids but especially the daughter who is older hated it there as she didn’t have her own room and had to sleep on a sofa bed etc.

My boyfriend and the kids Mum then just completely hated each other and it all got really toxic and she would always threaten to never let him see the kids again etc etc, which then ended up in my boyfriend then looking to get a court order put in place so she couldn’t stop him from seeing the kids.

We started that process and it just got awful, the daughter would kick right off anytime she had to go back to her Mums.

The both kids do not get on at all and fight like cat and dog with each other pretty much 24/7.

My boyfriends Mum would then say things like ‘the kids would be so much better off with you full time’ and she wasn’t saying it to try and ask me to do that, I think it was more of a passing comment and opinion thing really.

I started to think about it more and thought maybe his daughter could live here.

We spoke about it a lot and my boyfriend did say things like are you sure etc etc and at that time I was sure. I just felt like I needed to help.

The court case was resolved with my boyfriend getting full custody of his daughter and the Mum of their son, both kids are with us every other weekend and with their mum the other 2 weekends.

My boyfriend has his own struggles with ADHD (not yet diagnosed) and finds being a parent very very hard.

The kids are the way they are because of him and their Mum. They have never had consistent boundaries.

So then I tried to start helping him with ideas on how to manage their behaviour etc.

My son is really well behaved and always has been, he would never dream of speaking to me the way my boyfriends daughter speaks to her Dad.

Problem is, deep down I just think he can not be bothered. He will start being a bit more strict for a couple weeks, but then it all just dwindles down and before we know it, it’s back to shit with her ignoring his requests, constantly answering back and having a bad attitude 24/7.

He can ignore it much better than I can, but from the very first time she says no or kicks off when he’s asking her to do something simple, it really really pisses me off.

Now in fairness to her she doesn’t argue back to me the same way she does to her Dad. But if I ask her to do something, she literally never does it first time and has to be asked 4 or 5 times.

I have tried and tried to communicate with my boyfriend but he just does not get it.

It’s now got to a point where I dread her coming home from school, I do not enjoy having to look after her when he’s in work, and at weekends when she is here, I use to look after her so she could play out with her friends while my boyfriend goes to football, but I’ve started saying no to that now.

My boyfriend gets annoyed when I say no, because to him he’s like ‘well I would do it for you’ if it was the other way round, but he does not look after my son like that, because he never needs to, but he does pick him up from school for me in the week as I work until 6pm.

So he’ll take the kids to his parents house for a few hours on Saturdays while he’s at football, this always causes a full on war with his daughter and she kicks right off because she doesn’t want to go, she wants to stay here so she can play out with her friends.

So if I’m honest I think it bothers my boyfriend more because he knows it’s going to cause her to have a full on tantrum that he can’t be bothered to deal with.

Ok so most of the story is covered now comes my big dilemma about what the f**k I’m going to do. I feel stuck, now that there’s a court case. It cost my boyfriend £5000 to get that sorted out, but I just do not want to look after her anymore.

We did split up for about a month a year ago and I left, but I came back because he promised he would sort his own shit out as well as be a better parent and realise he’s not the kids best friend he needs to be their Dad and teach them how to be better people.

I’m definitely at a point where I’m almost done again and wanting to leave. But I think a huge part of that is the stress and strain me having to look after his daughter is having.

What would anyone suggest? Or do in my situation?

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to split up but I cannot do this for much longer. If she didn’t live here, maybe it would go back to being a bit less chaotic on a daily basis. But how can I offer to help then 2 years later say actually I don’t want to do this anymore.

I just don’t know what to do, how to say it to my boyfriend, but I do know I can’t live like this for much longer.

Any opinions and advice here would be greatly appreciated. X

In all honesty i would leave your child deserves to have a happy parent and you don't sound happy

Has he made any effort to change his shift patterns? It's obvious he needs to parent his own child not palm them off on you

We did split up for about a month a year ago and I left, but I came back because he promised he would sort his own shit out as well as be a better parent and realise he’s not the kids best friend he needs to be their Dad and teach them how to be better people.

And he didn't. Leave.

If you're desperate to try, deadline him. Within x number of weeks he will be on his way to a different shift pattern and will have completed parenting classes.

The asking 4-5 times sounds like DD with ADHD and if he has it, she could too. Girls are under diagnosed. Not for you to manage though.

Thank you, he definitely does. I’m quite good at hiding it from him but he’s 13 and I’m sure he must be able to tell I’m not the happiest version of myself.

Has he made any effort to change his shift patterns? It's obvious he needs to parent his own child not palm them off on you.

In fact it’s quite the contrary, he’s always said he prefers working nights and wouldn’t want to switch to days, this was even before I moved in etc.

He does try and I can see that being a parent just does not come naturally to him at all. He struggles to look after himself let alone the kids, and gets overwhelmed easily so I do help a lot, but I’ve started to take a big step back and when I do and I’m not there to ‘micro manage’ everything that’s when it falls apart.

And he didn't. Leave.

If you're desperate to try, deadline him. Within x number of weeks he will be on his way to a different shift pattern and will have completed parenting classes.

The asking 4-5 times sounds like DD with ADHD and if he has it, she could too. Girls are under diagnosed. Not for you to manage though.

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His son definitely has ADHD and struggles in lots of the same areas my boyfriend does. But his daughter doesn’t as she doesn’t have any of the symptoms of ADHD, hers is more oppositional defiant, but only with her parents, so it is just complete bad behaviour and bad parenting as she’s not as bad for me or in school etc.

The thought of leaving is re entering my mind again I can’t lie. I’ve even started looking at places to rent and can feel my brain putting a plan in place to leave, but I don’t know if I actually want to leave or if it’s more just feeling overwhelmed with everything again.

If I leave or stay and say I’m not looking after his daughter anymore, this is what’s making me feel so so bad because I offered to help, it cost him a lot of money to get everything sorted and in place with the court and now I feel like a really shitty person for offering all this help then regretting it later down the line :(

Oh god. Just leave.

His childcare issues are not your problem.

None of this is going to improve.

Ultimately he shouldn't have made plans based on you helping out. He is the parent.

I’d leave - you’re being used and you should put your own son and self first.

You moved your son into the middle of all this on the basis of an 8 month relationship?

Surely he can’t be happy.

You have prioritised your boyfriend’s parenting needs over your own.

You will lose your Ds to his Dad’s if you carry on like this.

I was begging you to leave half way through that. Leave, and be very thankful you don't have children with him or a mortgage.

Can't you put your own child first and do what's best for them?

You have hardly even mentioned him, yet here you are busy rescuing an adult, his ex and his daughter.

He can prefer nights as much as he likes, I'd like to win the lottery but it's not going to happen ! He needs to change shifts / jobs

Yup he has a child he has to put his child above his preferences

You have hardly mentioned your own child in this-poor mite.

Please leave this mess asap and start putting your son first.

He finds parenting hard and he doesn’t want to change shift patterns because they suit him.
The problem in all of this is he is doing what a lot of single dads do, they outsource the parenting to a woman. He won’t learn to be a better parent, he won’t compromise on his shift work because he doesn’t have to. He’s passed it all onto you.

At the end of the day, this isn’t really your problem. If you had started the relationship with the idea you were being the other full time parent it would be different, but you’ve not really been given a choice. It’s been dumped on you by circumstance. If you don’t want to do it, you don’t have to. If you don’t want the responsibility of being her parent then you need to say so. He will try and make you feel bad for it though, but it’s really your choice.

If I leave or stay and say I’m not looking after his daughter anymore, this is what’s making me feel so so bad because I offered to help, it cost him a lot of money to get everything sorted and in place with the court and now I feel like a really shitty person for offering all this help then regretting it later down the line

I think even if you expressly offered to look after his DD (did you or did you just offer general help and support?) it's still completely fine to admit you're struggling and can't carry on OP, you're only human and sometimes we take on too much. You said you'd help, not parent his DC for him which it sounds like you're having to do, it's him who's broken his end of the bargain, not you.

What do you think would happen if you simply said 'I'm finding your DD's behaviour too difficult in the evenings and it's making me really unhappy so from x date you will need to sort something else'?

It sounds like I'm in the minority here, but the only person I feel sorry for in this situation is this 11-year-old girl.

"I started to think about it more and thought maybe his daughter could live here.

We spoke about it a lot and my boyfriend did say things like are you sure etc etc and at that time I was sure. I just felt like I needed to help."

This child clearly needs healthy relationships with responsible adults. You kindly suggested a huge change to her world so that you could fill this role, but now that it's hard, you just want to abandon her. The situation at her mother's home sounds entirely inappropriate for children. I'm sad that the little boy was left behind with her.

Your boyfriend clearly needs to step up. It's nice that he likes working a certain shift, but if there is a change he can make that will allow him more time with his children, he has to make that change. ADHD does not prevent someone from being a compassionate parent. They might be disorganized, forgetful, and constantly running late, but it isn't an excuse for consciously choosing not to put his children first.

He MUST start coparenting with you.

It sounds like she already has modified her behavior around you, which shows that she is not a hopeless case. Abandoning her when life gets tough will make things so much worse for her.

You mention that she is very focused on contact with her friends. That might be part of the problem. There's a book called "Hold On to Your Kids," by Dr. Gordon Neufeld that you might find to be insightful.

You've stepped up and taken responsibility for a child. Bravo! Parenting teenagers is hard, even under healthy circumstances. This girl has had very unhealthy circumstances, and her behavior is thus affected. I believe you should live up to your end of the bargain and help this child.

Why is your own child the least important person in your life?

Are you sure she wasn't sexually abused by the grandfather, that can cause girls to become very oppositional because they cant process the abuse. Its a sad situation, but it speaks volumes you are the one worrying about it, rather than her actual parents. I would want to distance myself from it to be honest, I cannot see a happy ending here when both parents sounds really selfish.

Honestly - leave him.

You don’t have that many years before your son is an adult and independent. Don’t waste your time in this utterly fucked up dynamic.

You moved your son into the middle of all this on the basis of an 8 month relationship?

Surely he can’t be happy.

You have prioritised your boyfriend’s parenting needs over your own.

You will lose your Ds to his Dad’s if you carry on like this.

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I agree when reflecting back that the decision to move in together when we did was not a smart choice, but it did feel so perfect and right at that time.

The thing that makes it even harder for me to decide what to do is my son and my boyfriend have a great relationship. They get on really well. My son also really loves my boyfriends son, but he is not overly keen on my boyfriends daughter. He’s happy here, has his own room and recently a new and first girlfriend from school who he always invites over here which is something he doesn’t do at his Dads house so he does like it here which fills me with more anxiety because if I do leave for good he would be gutted as well as my boyfriend and his 2 kids.

My boyfriend I don’t think even knew until he got close with my son that actually no it’s not normal for kids to behave the way his 2 do.

Are you sure she wasn't sexually abused by the grandfather, that can cause girls to become very oppositional because they cant process the abuse. Its a sad situation, but it speaks volumes you are the one worrying about it, rather than her actual parents. I would want to distance myself from it to be honest, I cannot see a happy ending here when both parents sounds really selfish.

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almost positive yes, she and her brother had to have lots and lots of meetings with social workers etc as I’m guessing they were trying to make sure nothing had happened to them.

my boyfriend did worry about it all and was completely beside himself when it all first came out thinking the worst and what if something happened to the kids etc and when he had to go to court he asked to judge to make it official that the kids are not allowed any form of contact with their Mums grandad etc.

but on the flip side i definitely see your point in that he still gets to work nights like he prefers to and it’s me that offered the help in the first place.

Why is your own child the least important person in your life?

——

no he’s definitely the most important in my life without a doubt, I didn’t mention him too much on the original post but having read back I can see how that may have come across.

my son is really happy here, he gets on so well with my boyfriend and that’s also an additional thing that fills me with utter anxiety tbh because if I did leave it would be upsetting for my son as well as everyone else.

my boyfriend, who now has full custody of 1 of his kids, that I look after every night during the week because my boyfriend works night shifts

This is just not right.

Don't be his childcare.

Just don't. Custody is for time with the parent. Just move out.