Taken on too much responsibility for step kids

[EmirateReign]

I need some help, advice, thoughts. This is a long story so I’ll try and keep it as short as I can, but it might be a long read.

TLDR; I live with my boyfriend, who now has full custody of 1 of his kids, that I look after every night during the week because my boyfriend works night shifts. I don’t enjoy looking after her, she is 11, extremely misbehaved and all around just lots of hard work. She doesn’t act up as much to me because she knows I won’t take it, but still she’s just a tough kid to live and bond with. I now completely regret offering to help but I’m stuck because they went through a court case etc to sort out the child arrangements. I don’t want to look after her anymore!

I have 1 son who is 13 and lives with me half the time and his Dad the other half of the time, we separated when my son was under 1, so I’ve been use to having some child free days every week while he’s at his Dads. We sorted everything out amicably there was never any court involved etc.

When I met my boyfriend, everything was great as it always is at the start of a new relationship. My boyfriend has 2 kids, a daughter who is 11 and a son who is 7. The old arrangement was he would have his kids every other weekend, and he’d get them from school 2 days a week, give them tea etc then drop them back off at their Mums on his way to work. It was never stable though, he would always get last minute calls saying can you have the kids because of X, Y or Z.

I moved in with my boyfriend, in hindsight far too soon, we’d been together for 8 months.

Everything just went into full absolute utter carnage mode is the only way to describe it all.

First the kids Mum got done for drink driving and where she was living wasn’t in walking distance of school, so it was a mixture of my boyfriend or my boyfriends parents having to take them to and from school.

Then, the kids Mums grandad got prosecuted and found guilty for online child offences. The Mum was living in a rented flat next door to her Nana & Grandad. Neither me or my boyfriend knew anything about this court case until … my boyfriend got a call 1 night from social services saying we’re outside your kids Mums house, if we go in and find that the children are not there and are in fact at their grandparents, they will be removed and taken to yours.

The kids were then placed on the child protection register and my boyfriend and their Mum had to attend meetings and the Mum had to complete a course on keeping them safe or something. The kids Mum wasn’t fully aware of everything I don’t think and believed her Grandad when he said it wasn’t true etc. She does love the kids and wouldn’t intentionally place them in harms way I don’t think.

Due to everything with her Grandad, the kids Mum then went to live at her boyfriends which is in walking distance of the kids school. The kids but especially the daughter who is older hated it there as she didn’t have her own room and had to sleep on a sofa bed etc.

My boyfriend and the kids Mum then just completely hated each other and it all got really toxic and she would always threaten to never let him see the kids again etc etc, which then ended up in my boyfriend then looking to get a court order put in place so she couldn’t stop him from seeing the kids.

We started that process and it just got awful, the daughter would kick right off anytime she had to go back to her Mums.

The both kids do not get on at all and fight like cat and dog with each other pretty much 24/7.

My boyfriends Mum would then say things like ‘the kids would be so much better off with you full time’ and she wasn’t saying it to try and ask me to do that, I think it was more of a passing comment and opinion thing really.

I started to think about it more and thought maybe his daughter could live here.

We spoke about it a lot and my boyfriend did say things like are you sure etc etc and at that time I was sure. I just felt like I needed to help.

The court case was resolved with my boyfriend getting full custody of his daughter and the Mum of their son, both kids are with us every other weekend and with their mum the other 2 weekends.

My boyfriend has his own struggles with ADHD (not yet diagnosed) and finds being a parent very very hard.

The kids are the way they are because of him and their Mum. They have never had consistent boundaries.

So then I tried to start helping him with ideas on how to manage their behaviour etc.

My son is really well behaved and always has been, he would never dream of speaking to me the way my boyfriends daughter speaks to her Dad.

Problem is, deep down I just think he can not be bothered. He will start being a bit more strict for a couple weeks, but then it all just dwindles down and before we know it, it’s back to shit with her ignoring his requests, constantly answering back and having a bad attitude 24/7.

He can ignore it much better than I can, but from the very first time she says no or kicks off when he’s asking her to do something simple, it really really pisses me off.

Now in fairness to her she doesn’t argue back to me the same way she does to her Dad. But if I ask her to do something, she literally never does it first time and has to be asked 4 or 5 times.

I have tried and tried to communicate with my boyfriend but he just does not get it.

It’s now got to a point where I dread her coming home from school, I do not enjoy having to look after her when he’s in work, and at weekends when she is here, I use to look after her so she could play out with her friends while my boyfriend goes to football, but I’ve started saying no to that now.

My boyfriend gets annoyed when I say no, because to him he’s like ‘well I would do it for you’ if it was the other way round, but he does not look after my son like that, because he never needs to, but he does pick him up from school for me in the week as I work until 6pm.

So he’ll take the kids to his parents house for a few hours on Saturdays while he’s at football, this always causes a full on war with his daughter and she kicks right off because she doesn’t want to go, she wants to stay here so she can play out with her friends.

So if I’m honest I think it bothers my boyfriend more because he knows it’s going to cause her to have a full on tantrum that he can’t be bothered to deal with.

Ok so most of the story is covered now comes my big dilemma about what the f**k I’m going to do. I feel stuck, now that there’s a court case. It cost my boyfriend £5000 to get that sorted out, but I just do not want to look after her anymore.

We did split up for about a month a year ago and I left, but I came back because he promised he would sort his own shit out as well as be a better parent and realise he’s not the kids best friend he needs to be their Dad and teach them how to be better people.

I’m definitely at a point where I’m almost done again and wanting to leave. But I think a huge part of that is the stress and strain me having to look after his daughter is having.

What would anyone suggest? Or do in my situation?

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to split up but I cannot do this for much longer. If she didn’t live here, maybe it would go back to being a bit less chaotic on a daily basis. But how can I offer to help then 2 years later say actually I don’t want to do this anymore.

I just don’t know what to do, how to say it to my boyfriend, but I do know I can’t live like this for much longer.

Any opinions and advice here would be greatly appreciated. X

You moved in too quickly, went full on "rescuer" mode, actually pushed for his dd to move in, and now you don't like it, or her? That poor child. Crap parents giving her a disrupted, unstable, upbringing AND a woman with "rescuer" complex who added yet another layer of disruption and destabilised her life again - who now regrets it, and is planning on dumping another layer on by leaving!

Sorry, but that's really shit.

Leave. And fgs don't ever do this again - children need committed adults - not new arrivals who turn up too soon, swoop in and "fix" things, decide they made a mistake, and swoop out again leaving an even more messed up kid.

Every adult in this situation has prioritised their own wants above what is best for all of the children - even you (EIGHT MONTHS?! WTF?)

I feel sorry for all three of those children - including yours, who you're moving in and out because it suits you.

Shameful.

It sounds like I'm in the minority here, but the only person I feel sorry for in this situation is this 11-year-old girl.

"I started to think about it more and thought maybe his daughter could live here.

We spoke about it a lot and my boyfriend did say things like are you sure etc etc and at that time I was sure. I just felt like I needed to help."

This child clearly needs healthy relationships with responsible adults. You kindly suggested a huge change to her world so that you could fill this role, but now that it's hard, you just want to abandon her. The situation at her mother's home sounds entirely inappropriate for children. I'm sad that the little boy was left behind with her.

Your boyfriend clearly needs to step up. It's nice that he likes working a certain shift, but if there is a change he can make that will allow him more time with his children, he has to make that change. ADHD does not prevent someone from being a compassionate parent. They might be disorganized, forgetful, and constantly running late, but it isn't an excuse for consciously choosing not to put his children first.

He MUST start coparenting with you.

It sounds like she already has modified her behavior around you, which shows that she is not a hopeless case. Abandoning her when life gets tough will make things so much worse for her.

You mention that she is very focused on contact with her friends. That might be part of the problem. There's a book called "Hold On to Your Kids," by Dr. Gordon Neufeld that you might find to be insightful.

You've stepped up and taken responsibility for a child. Bravo! Parenting teenagers is hard, even under healthy circumstances. This girl has had very unhealthy circumstances, and her behavior is thus affected. I believe you should live up to your end of the bargain and help this child.

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no I also totally agree with that because that is part of the reason why I still put up with all this because I do genuinely feel so sorry for her because of all the instability in her life before I came along etc.

re the situation with their mums home, she does now have her own house and is settled in there. It’s been over a year now since all the social services stuff stopped etc so things have definitely calmed down on that side.

i don’t know what the future looks like, but I do know I’m struggling so much with all of this because it honestly is an every single day thing, there’s not 1 day that doesn’t go by without her whining about something or having a full on 2 year old style tantrum when she’s 11. As much as I do want to help her, there’s only so much I can do when her parents let her behave the way she does.

thank you for the book suggestion I’ll take a look.

Helping your BF is not the same as doing all of the parenting. Your BF is the parent, he needs to step up and be the parent. That means being available, which includes changing his shift pattern, and skipping football for a bit until his DD becomes more settled. This can not be negotiable. He seems to think he carry on with others doing the heavy lifting re parenting. No! HE IS HER FATHER AND NEEDS TO MAKE WHATEVER SACRIFICES HE MUST TO BE THERE FOR HER.

You moved in too quickly, went full on "rescuer" mode, actually pushed for his dd to move in, and now you don't like it, or her? That poor child. Crap parents giving her a disrupted, unstable, upbringing AND a woman with "rescuer" complex who added yet another layer of disruption and destabilised her life again - who now regrets it, and is planning on dumping another layer on by leaving!

Sorry, but that's really shit.

Leave. And fgs don't ever do this again - children need committed adults - not new arrivals who turn up too soon, swoop in and "fix" things, decide they made a mistake, and swoop out again leaving an even more messed up kid.

Every adult in this situation has prioritised their own wants above what is best for all of the children - even you (EIGHT MONTHS?! WTF?)

I feel sorry for all three of those children - including yours, who you're moving in and out because it suits you.

Shameful.

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I do understand where you’re coming from, but I wouldn’t say I pushed for it, I just offered help because I could see the shit that was going on and felt like I needed and wanted to help to give the kids some stability.

I also agree re the moving in too quick, it was not a smart move on my part and I hold my hands up to that but at the time it really did feel like a good choice for multiple reasons.

I would strongly disagree re the comment about de stabllizing her life again - I gave her and her brother stability, because at the time of all the chaos I just wanted them to both be ok and have some form of normality which I was able to give them. I think anyone in my position at that time would have probably done the same thing for the sake of the kids.

I think it’s ok to admit I took on more than I should have, I think it’s also ok to regret decisions.

and I realise I forgot to mention time frames but it’s not like I offered help and it’s only been a few months and now I want to leave, it’s coming up to 3 years now since it all kicked off.

but it just gets so so overwhelming and I struggle to know what to do, the impact me leaving would have on his 2 kids and my son fills me with sadness and anxiety because all 3 kids would be gutted, I would be gutted too.

my boyfriend has some amazing qualities about him he really does, but I just know that I’m really struggling a lot at the moment with everything. I have Lupus and the daily stress at home makes me unwell.

i just do not know what to do for the best but there’s only so much 1 person can do / take.

Make sure that your contraception is iron - clad. Don't get trapped!

I dont even know where to start with this. So your boyfriend prefers to work nights does he? Well that's fantastic but he can't work nights can he? He has a child that needs to be looked after. Please value you and especially your son more than this. His children are not your responsibility. He needs to step up. Massively. The most important person in all of this to you should be YOUR son. Dont be one of those women, who's so eager to show a shit man how nice you are, your own child ends up at the bottom of the pile. He would be happier with a mum who's happy, settled and ready to engage with him. He would be fine if you left and you know it.

Just take your son and LEAVE.

Take your son and leave. You don’t have to put up with this. You don’t have to leave the relationship if you don’t want to, but you don’t have to live with him.

Your boyfriend clearly needed to get his daughter out of that situation back then regardless of you offering to help or not. If what you’re saying is that he wouldn’t have bothered doing that without you stepping in to pick up the grunt work of parenting then honestly what does that say about the kind of man he is? Not one who I’d want modelling that kind of attitude to my DS 50% of the time.

I imagine you were under the impression you’d be helping out for a transitionary period while your DP sorted his shifts or looked for another job, not for life to carry on for him as he pleases while you burn out. What’s the saying - don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm.

Our situation has some similarities; my step child came to live with us as a pre teen after it came out how bad it was with her mum and it was very tricky to start with; DH and I argued so much about how to handle things that we ended up in counselling which did really help. However the difference I see here is that my DH was committed to being pro active and trying different things but we just had different ideas of what would work. We also had been together a long time and had navigated various past issues so had that background.
At some point since my step child has lived with us I did make plans to leave for reasons to do with me and DH (since resolved) and I felt incredibly guilty about the effect on my step child and leaving DH to manage it alone but I also recognised that my own happiness and DC had to be my priority and I couldn’t stay from guilt and that whole situation.
what I would say to you is that you can’t stay out of guilt and if he won’t communicate and work with you then nothing is going to change; your happiness is important too.

If you live together I don't think you can refuse to look after her or spend time with her if she lives with you full time and is part of the family. You can't dictate that she not live with you or be there if your DP has custody.

But you can make the choice for this not to be your life and end the relationship and move out. That's up to you.

You're either in or you're out (great quote from The Crown, I always thought).

You can. I don't look after my DSC. I'll intervene if they are about to come to harm but other than that I don't do any chores etc for them.

1. Prioritise your own child.

1. If you want to continue in this relationship, give him a 2 month deadline to change his shifts or his job. If nothing changes, leave.

1. Don't discount ADHD in his daughter. The symptoms in girls can be incredibly subtle. If not ADHD, then chaotic parenting and attachment issues should be considered.

1. I feel really sorry for his daughter. 😢

I'd be worried that your son is seeing your boyfriend's style of parenting (getting the woman to do it all), and will think it's acceptable. At some point this will harm your relationship with your son and God know what it will do to his future relationships.

Of course you can not look after a child. You do not have to be childcare for their father. Nor do you have to pick up the child-related work he should be doing.

In this situation, however, I don’t see that there is any way to stay. You’ve got a man who is very obviously just going to leave everything to you and who will undermine your efforts because he simply can’t be arsed with parenting properly.

It is NOT the OP’s responsibility to compensate for inadequate parents. This is not a bed she has to lie in.

The best outcome for this child is likely to be one where her father steps up and behaves like a resident parent. He’s made it clear that he’s not going to do that if he can leave it all to his partner. So leaving so he has to is the only sensible thing to do.

Sounds like your relationship isn't necessarily over and your ds is ok. Two options if you don't want to leave are(1) you have a calm talk to your SD to explain why you don't want her Saturdays and how she has to behave for you to be ok and also better strategies after school than whining. How she can help out. Plus some counselling for her. (2) things have stabilised with her mum and sd is unhappy from her behaviour so a big discussion with you and both her parents and her about whether it would be better if she spent more time with her mum.

Your son is happy enough to bring girlfriends home so that is a good sign. Before you decide to leave out everything in writing and give it to your DB. This will allow him to be informed and make decisions to make things better like change his shifts. If he doesn’t change then you start making plans to leave. In the interim try and also change your mindset in relation to the 11 year old girl. You have backed yourself into a corner of regret and resentment and these emotions will not help you moving forward whether you stay because things change for the better or move out. You seem like a lovely caring person and this must be eating you up inside try and deal with your emotions because you will get ill otherwise maybe seek some counselling and you can discuss how you feel openly but ultimately try and get help to manage your feelings too. Like pp has said I empathise for the 11 year old girl too as-well as you of course but just leaving might not make you feel any better at the moment emotions are running high you need to talk it out so if you do decide to leave you are not left feeling like the bad guy which I don’t believe you are at all btw.

This is so difficult for everyone involved. I think the recommendation for Hold on to Your Kids is a good one. I also think your BF needs to change jobs. His daughter needs him to prioritise her, you need a partner and he needs to stop avoiding the work of parenting. Does his daughter have any hobbies outside of school? I'd be looking into groups and activities to build her confidence and engage her brain and body. I'd also be looking into support around parenting. Counselling maybe or a parenting class with a basis of trauma support. You could contact social services to request support, Early Help is there to prevent family breakdown and that's where you are. If it were me I think I'd be bringing in as much outside support as possible, you can't fix this on your own. Then if you do decide that it still isn't working there is support in place for a managed family breakup, rather than a re traumatising event. I suspect this situation is based very much on trauma and if you and your partner could look into that it will help you look at the situation through a different lens and hopefully come together in an approach that stops the trauma cycle. Best of luck to you op, it's clear your heart is in the right place.

What hours are his night shifts? Surely you're only doing childcare a few hours before bedtime this way? If he was days it would be a lot more hours? I'd tell him he needs to do his weekends not football if he didn't have you or parents he would have no choice.
She seems to have coped with a lot and potentially abuse has that been ruled out?
How must it feel to be dumped by her mum in preference to her brother? Then with an adult who compares her to a perfect son who does everything as soon as asked? What allowances are made for puberty confusion and the rejection she must feel,?
I'm not saying it's your job to do this but sometimes looking from the others view makes it easier to see a different pathway. Or build a relationship
If you can't handle it you should leave for her sake as much as yours she will know how you feel about her and that you don't want her that will damage her even more. I hope she's getting counselling

To be fair your description of hardly a day goes by without her whining about something that sounds like the vast majority of pre-pubescent children.

Make sure that your contraception is iron - clad. Don't get trapped!

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I had a hysterectomy when I was 25, absolutely zero chance of falling pregnant thank god.

He needs to change his job so he's actually there to look after his own dd.

But - honestly? I'd leave. Way too much drama and hard work. You and your dc deserve to be happy.

None of this shitshow is your responsibility but your child is.
Leave asap

What hours are his night shifts? Surely you're only doing childcare a few hours before bedtime this way? If he was days it would be a lot more hours? I'd tell him he needs to do his weekends not football if he didn't have you or parents he would have no choice.
She seems to have coped with a lot and potentially abuse has that been ruled out?
How must it feel to be dumped by her mum in preference to her brother? Then with an adult who compares her to a perfect son who does everything as soon as asked? What allowances are made for puberty confusion and the rejection she must feel,?
I'm not saying it's your job to do this but sometimes looking from the others view makes it easier to see a different pathway. Or build a relationship
If you can't handle it you should leave for her sake as much as yours she will know how you feel about her and that you don't want her that will damage her even more. I hope she's getting counselling.

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He works 8.30pm - 7am, it’s not just a few hours though. I work full time 9am - 6pm but mostly from home. Because he works nights he doesn’t get up out of bed until gone 4pm.

If she is ever off school sick, or school holidays, I find it really hard to work when she’s here as my boyfriend is in bed and she is in and out of the office, in and out of the house when she’s playing out, she texts me and rings my phone, even when I’m on meeting calls, knocks on the door etc. She has been asked by my boyfriend many times to not disturb me when I’m working but she still does.

So my boyfriend gets up, sorts tea out, has a shower then goes to work. It’s me who has to send her in the shower, me who sits and blow dries her hair for her or puts it in braids, me who makes sure she’s got clean uniform, me who sorts out every single important thing. She went on a residential trip with school a couple weeks ago, it was me who purchased the bits she needed off the list and me who packed her bag for the trip.

it’s me who makes sure she has got what she needs, clothes that fit her, me who got her the first little bras she needed, me who got her deodorant and face wash as her hormones are starting to kick in, me who has had the chat with her about what to do when her periods start etc.

I basically do everything in terms of the practical parenting stuff.

she does go to football and my boyfriend does take her to training and her matches etc.

it was her birthday recently, it was me who got the party organised, me who prepared all the party bags etc.

so while I do really genuinely struggle deep down to form a meaningful bond with her, she would never know that because I would never ever let on to her that I don’t ‘like her’ etc.

she looks up to me a lot and respects me a lot more than her own parents and that’s because I have heavily invested so much time and effort with her, when she was younger I would sit and play with her barbies with her, do colouring with her.

I feel like a shit person for admitting that I don’t enjoy her company, because I genuinely don’t but I have never and would never let this on to her.

All that time, effort, financial and emotional resource you’re spending on a child who isn’t yours could be being spent on your own son. It’d be different if she had no other family but she has a father who could and should be putting her needs over his own wants to opt out of parenting by working nights and sleeping days. Honestly you’re not doing anyone any favours by enabling his piss-poor parenting.