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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Does this piss anyone else off

31 replies

doesthis · 21/03/2023 19:00

Name change for this
My DH bends over backwards to fit in around his exs life and her job when it come to caring for his children with her.
But when it comes to our 1yo shared child he barely lifts a finger, I asked if he could look after her for a couple of hours (while he had DSC) and he went on like I'd asked him for the world.
And before anyone jumps down my throat he sees them 50/50 and sometimes more

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

PeekAtYou · 21/03/2023 19:01

Of course that's going to piss you off. He's prioritising his ex's feelings/convenience over yours.

YukoandHiro · 21/03/2023 19:02

Why did they split?

Coffeepot72 · 21/03/2023 19:04

A lot of men inexplicably prefer to p*ss off the new wife in pursuit of keeping the ex wife happy. Particularly when children are involved

Original poster

doesthis · 21/03/2023 19:09

@YukoandHiro they split because he left her for someone else 8 years ago, not me. I think he gave in to all her demands to begin with out of guilt and he's set the standard really high now. He does all the pick up and drop offs and we live half an hour away.

OP posts:

Coffeepot72 · 21/03/2023 19:16

I think you’re right about guilt being a factor here. I used to think that ‘first family’ children got left behind when a second family was formed, but often it’s the second family who get the raw deal.

hourbyhour101 · 21/03/2023 19:23

I mean this is a DH problem. Have you pointed out through his actions if he doesn't buck up he's gonna not see your join Dc full time because you too will be a ex wife ?

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 21/03/2023 19:23

You need to practice dropping your dc on his knee and leaving the house...

GlitteryGreen · 21/03/2023 19:27

Yeah I get it. My dp isn't quite like this but he is a much more active parent when it comes to the SCs, I think because he has to be because he's the primary parent when they're with him. With our baby, he knows I will sort things 🙄

FUSoftPlay · 21/03/2023 19:28

Coffeepot72 · 21/03/2023 19:04

A lot of men inexplicably prefer to p*ss off the new wife in pursuit of keeping the ex wife happy. Particularly when children are involved

Yes and I think often men view the joint DC as optional responsibilities, that can be passed off to the other Co-habiting parent and their children from prev relationships as compulsory.

So there’s a few dynamics going on.

there’s some real double standards too in the first Mum needing and being entitled to a break and her, together with the Dad, expecting the second Mum to facilitate that whilst not getting any break from their kids themselves. I told my DH that I would be better breaking up with him and mirroring his contact arrangement with our joint DC as I’d have a damn sight more free time! It did sink in….

Coffeepot72 · 21/03/2023 19:34

Yes, definitely

Original poster

doesthis · 21/03/2023 20:34

But it's really hard to argue, he just says I'm being ridiculous.
It's just simple things like at meal times I'm the one that feeds the baby and doesn't get a bite of my own until it's cold yet he's there cutting up food for 6yo dsd.
I'm the one doing bath time when he's running dsd to classes or to his exes house because she never does any pick ups or drop offs. Very frustrating

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/03/2023 20:42

Yeah, no, I wouldn’t be putting up with this and if my husband ever told me I was ridiculous I’d be considering my options.

I’ve got 2 DSC, one of my own and another on the way. They’re all/will be equally important to him and I wouldn’t stand for my child being shown they’re second best or skivvying so he can baby a 6 year old. Deeply unattractive and awful.

FUSoftPlay · 21/03/2023 20:48

OP - can you just go out? I would start getting into my hobbies and just leaving him to it.

Can you book a night away? Stay with friends?

Original poster

doesthis · 21/03/2023 21:07

I asked him to take her tonight as I was taking my mum and her cats to the vet. I could have taken the baby too but he had his other children anyway, he said he had loads to do as he has a work trip tomorrow to organise, I kind of insisted and he took her but it ended in an argument where I said I'd get more childcare if I divorced him and he agreed I would as he'd have sole responsibility.
Not sure if that was a statement or an argument but he's pretty impossible to argue with he gets so over the top and shouts, storms out rooms and slams doors etc

OP posts:

Original poster

doesthis · 21/03/2023 21:09

By sole responsibility I mean during his contact not sole custody

OP posts:

FUSoftPlay · 21/03/2023 21:12

I understand what you mean. I have made this comparison before too. I think you need to spell out to him, calmly, that you need him to share the load.

Try not to bring his other child into it, although it might be helpful to use the time he has her as a starting point for him taking care of your DD by himself.

Use “I” statements - tell him how you feel? I’m guessing this is resentment because you see he’s capable of parenting his other child but not your joint DC but the underlying issue is you being burnt out, overwhelmed, carrying the mental load because he isn’t contributing. So frame it from that angle.

thegirlyupnorth · 21/03/2023 21:14

Very annoying but the none resident parent is responsible for contact travel arrangements.

FUSoftPlay · 21/03/2023 21:16

thegirlyupnorth · 21/03/2023 21:14

Very annoying but the none resident parent is responsible for contact travel arrangements.

That’s a helpful contribution to the post.

Laurdo · 21/03/2023 21:29

thegirlyupnorth · 21/03/2023 21:14

Very annoying but the none resident parent is responsible for contact travel arrangements.

It's a 50/50 arrangement so no one is solely the resident parent.

Fluffodils · 21/03/2023 21:30

thegirlyupnorth · 21/03/2023 21:14

Very annoying but the none resident parent is responsible for contact travel arrangements.

Not true

Original poster

doesthis · 21/03/2023 21:34

He absolutely fulfills his responsibilities and he still gives her a hefty cma, I feel again guilt motivated however mum does buy the school uniforms and clothes

OP posts:

Laurdo · 21/03/2023 21:38

I don't have kids of my own but I'd be pissed off if my DH bent over backwards to accommodate his ex at the expense of plans we had. The idea of not being able to plan things because the ex might make a last minute request which DH would jump to fulfill. Not a fucking chance! If DHs ex requests a change to the schedule DH will always check in with me first if it affects any of our plans. Even if it was a plan to have a quiet movie night because we'd had a stressful week at work he'll tell her no. We have the kids just over 50% and DH is a fantastic dad. More times than not we'll take the kids extra nights if asked because we love having them here, but it's at our discretion and DH refuses to have our lives dictated by his ex.

Laurdo · 21/03/2023 21:43

doesthis · 21/03/2023 21:34

He absolutely fulfills his responsibilities and he still gives her a hefty cma, I feel again guilt motivated however mum does buy the school uniforms and clothes

Why is he paying her money if he has the kids more than she does? Why can't he just sort uniform and clothes for his own house? That's what we do and it means the kids don't have to bring clothes between houses. They have everything they need at both houses.

Christ, it's been 8 years and he has a whole new family. He needs to get over his guilt already. Maybe worth while getting some therapy regarding the guilt he still carries. Funny how he has no guilt about the hands off approach he has with his 1yo or the fact that he leaves you to do everything.

TwinsAndTiramisu · 21/03/2023 21:55

If they split 8yrs ago, how does he have a 6yo DD with her?

Why is he paying "hefty" CMS when you have the child more than 50%?

Eatentoomanyroses · 21/03/2023 21:57

Yes I get this. In our case it stems from the step child not having such a great time in the other home and because there was previously a very nasty legal battle that dh doesn’t want to revisit so there’s constant pandering and bending over backwards. It is very annoying though.

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