Perfectly happy with no mothers day card etc from stepchildren

[smellyflowers]

I didn't get anything from my step kids today. I didn't expect to. But my MIL seems to think this is awful!

I don't see myself as in any way their mother!

Ive never had a card or presents on fathers day from my step children, even tho they lived with us full time for years.

I wouldnt have expected anything either.

I guess I'm just getting a bit fed up with some people's expectations of what my relationship should be with the children vs what it actually is (perfectly happy just letting it happen naturally and organically).

There’s no right or wrong here, just whatever the children are comfortable with. None of MIL’s business!

Yeah I know its not really. Just gets me down. I have my own DC. So instead of just "aw how lovely" I got "oh..and nothing from DSC? How odd"

It's not odd. Just does my head in a bit

Same. Also the inferred guilt that I should feel worried they haven’t sent me anything? Nope, perfectly happy thanks!!!

Sounds pretty healthy to me. I assume they gave their mother something.

That's it exactly!

Crazy nonsense. I love my DSS (16) but I’m not his mum. He gives me a card and present on my birthday.

Nothing from my step kids either, and totally fine with it. In fact it's a relief because I think if they did get me something their mum would be quite hurt.

Don’t rise to the drama.

'No it's not odd as I'm not their mother'.

MIL is the one that's odd!

Wouldn't even cross my mind, especially with my own DC. Those are the people I've thought about getting something from

How does she even know? Who's telling her?

When I had my first DC, it was Mothers Day shortly after. So my first MD as a mum. I of course got a card from my baby.

But dsc’s mum questioned my ex why I didn’t also get a card from dsc too. I found it really bizarre. This was coming from from the same woman who prior that didn’t want me stepping on her toes. I think her fear had evolved from me trying to take her place to now being a mum in my own right which was making her feel insecure in a different way.

I didn’t mind not getting a Mother’s Day card from dsc before I had my own DC and I didn’t mind not getting one from then after I had my own DC either. In fact after I had my own DC I just saw that day as a special day for me and my dc whilst being safe in the knowledge that dsc had their own mum to have their own special day with.

I really couldn't fussed either way if the kids are happy no problem.

Your ml is being weird. I suspect that if mum had died and I had taken on that "role" full time for years maybe I would feel differently (highly unlikely but you never know). Since I would probably get DSC to use the money to put flowers on grave ect for their actual mother. Sadly we only get one mum.

I think it's gratings because as a previous poster mentioned there a inference of oh so the DSC don't like you if they didn't get you a card.

I would explain that DSC know who there mother is and putting adult expectations on children isn't healthy. I would also iterate I had no desire to step on toes or be in that role unless all the stars aligned happened and it came from a place of me and the children aligning. Which as every parent knows it's highly unlikely.

I think it's gratings because as a previous poster mentioned there a inference of oh so the DSC don't like you if they didn't get you a card.

I also think MILs can struggle generally not to just view all the grandchildren as one group, as obviously they are all the children of their child, if that makes sense. Any allusion to them having different mum's and therefore doing things a differently to each other is a bit alien to them.

@aSofaNearYou I agree sofa tbh maybe generation thing ?

My actual mother said a similar thing to me a few years in and I looked horrified as did my DSC with both our mouths open at the thought that was expected.

I explained to DSD under no circumstances did I ever expect a Mother's Day card and told my mother to behave or I would put her in a home (she's far off nursing home age) so it was a joke. Admittedly she caught me off guard and I'm not my best off guard.

Yeh be suspicious of the MIL
Does she want a soundbite?

Mine do but I do a lot of parenting stuff for them and have been around since they were little. But step families differ on levels of involvement (obviously) so as long as you are all happy that is fine.

It’s probably just that your MIL sees her grandkids and their parents various as one lump. Just remind her of your individual situation / don’t make it a drama.

No it's fine. Tbh my sd never used to get me a card and then when I had my own dd my dh decided he would sign for my sd which I thought was silly.

DSD lives with us full time now and I get a card and present from her but before I didn’t and it never occurred to me that I would or should as I never really saw myself in that mum role. I have never wanted her to feel that im trying to be in that role either

My step daughter lives with us full time and has gotten me some choice, face mask and a candle today which is very thoughtful and lovely but i in no way expect it or would be hurt in she hadn't

The two step sons who live with their mum haven't acknowledged me today and it's completely fine! I am not there mum I have my own son.

I think that might be it

Yeah it's annoying when someone gives you unnecessary brainworms.

I'd just not reply to that I think, let it wash over you!!

I think it's kind of your MIL to think of you. And they are her grandchildren: she may think they are a reflection of her and the parenting her son has done is a reflection on her parenting of him/her values.

I don't expect anything of my SC on Mothers Day. I avoid taking them to restaurants etc on the day because I don't want them to have it in their faces (their mother died several years ago). We don't mention it and do a Sunday outing like going to the beach or country walk, or stay home like a chill out Sunday.