Adult Step Children still clueless

[namechange1487]

I've had quite a strange step parent experience.

Met my DH when he had been separated over a year from his ex partner (who left him for someone else) with 2 kids aged 10 and 8.

We dated for a year before telling kids about me. Ex- partner did not take it well and caused havoc. Me and DH married and been together 25 years.

Anyway, ex-partner died from sudden illness when kids were young adults and they inherited large sums that has financially set them up for life.

So here is the rub. I'm the high earner and always paid for everything. For universities for both DSC, for DH to retire early, for weddings and holidays etc.

Today oldest SS (now in late 30s) said to me something about never getting much financial support from us and having to always struggle.

I'm just gobsmacked.

Send the greedy fuckers an invoice for every penny you spent on them. . And never spend a penny more..

I think I would take an approach like saying it's very hard to hear that they feel that way given the significant amount of financial support they have had, but don't seem to have noticed.
Then let them ask. Then tell them. Don't minimise your input out of a misplaced modesty.

This. Do you pay anything towards them now?

I totally agree with others that you should request clarification and then correct any misunderstandings. If you don't then it will be hard to shake the feeling of being taken for granted.

Overall, I totally understand why you feel upset. The comment sounds very bratty.

Spot on. They don’t want to know what you contribute.

It’s even more complex and sensitive if you meet a widower. I completely understand no one can replace a mum and I would never try. However 2 of my 4 stepdaughters fit the descriptions of DSC’s given here. As they are late 20’s to early 30’s I don’t hold my breath for any change soon.

How much did you both pay towards weddings and university? Did your husband pay towards living costs? Or did he not have to pay much maintenance because he was retired? It’s difficult to tell from your post whether they were left to struggle or not as ‘struggling’ would imply day to day costs rather than paying towards a holiday or wedding. Also depends how much money their dad has, eg if he’s a millionaire then the expectations of what should be provided for children would be a lot higher!

Are you denying he has ever financially struggled?

I don’t quite get the comment. If you have been as financially generous as you say, when and how did he struggle financially?

And given he has had a large inheritance for years, why have you been keeping him financially afloat?

So here is the rub. I'm the high earner and always paid for everything. For universities for both DSC, for DH to retire early, for weddings and holidays etc. ouch! I would have said this at the time. But anyway I'm so sorry.

They accused you of not supporting them and you didn’t challenge it? I think your really ought to have a frank conversation with them.

Do you think non-step children appreciate what their parents do for them financially? As this is not my experience! They need it spelled out for them sometimes.

Discuss. Ask for clarification and put them right.

'Never challenged to keep the peace'. Well that's not healthy is it?

Ungrateful brat. Sorry OP, this must feel like a kick in the guts.

I would sit them (him) down and talk him through it in full - "we paid £XX per month" "we paid for all your school uniform" etc etc.

DH's divorced Mum comes out with all kinds of crap about his Dad, like "he never paid a penny for you to go to University" was one of the classics the other day. I swiftly put it right every time (his Dad paid all his rent, Mum paid nothing, full grant back in the day!)

Do your DSC have any perspective of how it is to struggle financially? I think perhaps because they have always been looked after financially they perhaps lack this ability. I would ask for a further explanation of how he's had to struggle. Sounds like he is in need of a big reality check. I know someone like this who has lived a very comfortable life, fortunate to have generous parents who paid for everything including buying first home but always says they have been hard done by. As someone who did not have this kind of help it is very difficult to listen to this whinging.

Time to stop being a resentful peacemaker. I’d have put the ungrateful swines straight.

I have to ask though, why have you worked your tits off to enable your H to retire early??

I’d say something like, ‘I’ve been thinking about what you said about getting no financial support from us and you always having to struggle. Can you tell me what you meant in a bit more detail?’ Hear him out, and then list all the ways in which you did provide support and say, ‘I’m not sure how much more you could expect really. You’ve had more support than most people’. Make him realise just how much he has had.

How were they meant to know if your contributions if you never told them