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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Adult Step Children still clueless

43 replies

namechange1487 · 11/03/2023 11:59

I've had quite a strange step parent experience.

Met my DH when he had been separated over a year from his ex partner (who left him for someone else) with 2 kids aged 10 and 8.

We dated for a year before telling kids about me. Ex- partner did not take it well and caused havoc. Me and DH married and been together 25 years.

Anyway, ex-partner died from sudden illness when kids were young adults and they inherited large sums that has financially set them up for life.

So here is the rub. I'm the high earner and always paid for everything. For universities for both DSC, for DH to retire early, for weddings and holidays etc.

Today oldest SS (now in late 30s) said to me something about never getting much financial support from us and having to always struggle.

I'm just gobsmacked.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechange1487 · 11/03/2023 12:03

Sorry, pressed send too soon.

I've always provided for all of them and live simply myself and just can't believe they've never ever recognised that I kept them all afloat over the years.

I'm not expecting thanks as such but some acknowledgment would've been at least respectful.

Left again wondering why I bothered

OP posts:
Aurorabored · 11/03/2023 12:06

Did they mean when they were a child?

LinesAndDot · 11/03/2023 12:06

Why does he think he struggled, if the money from his mother ‘set him up for life’? I’m confused as to what he was talking about. Do you mean they got a lump sum of money, bought houses, but live above their means day-to-day? Or they used the money to have a lifestyle they couldn’t afford - eg instead of buying a house outright (or nearly), they used it to only put a deposit on houses they then have to pay a big mortgage for?

Just curious, as I suppose if they did the second they could conceivably feel like they ‘struggle’, (not that it is justified), but if they were ‘set up for life’ as in your post, I can’t understand where his struggle is, to even mention it to you???

NewNameNigel · 11/03/2023 12:08

That must be really annoying. I have found that many people who have had everything handed to them on a plate have the same attitude. It's like the more you are given the less you even notice it.

Lefteyetwitch · 11/03/2023 12:15

I'd ask him to explain exactly what he meant considering his inheritance and his fathers limited income.

GoodChat · 11/03/2023 12:19

Ask for clarification.

Iloveacurry · 11/03/2023 12:22

Perhaps you should tell them.

HMTheQueenMuffin · 11/03/2023 12:22

I would ask for clarification and then spell it out to them.

I have a friend who is now (like me) aged 50. We were school friends. She still complains that her father and step mother 'never did anything ' for her.

Guess putting her through uni, giving her a job in their family business and paying off a fair whack of her mortgage each month counts as nothing.

She genuinely had a sense of grievance. It was pointed out to her (by them and actually by me as well) and if she is not convinced at least she is not fucking rude about it now.

TomatoSandwiches · 11/03/2023 12:26

I would hope your DH would have said something tbh, how rude and ungrateful.

Rosula · 11/03/2023 12:37

So did you give him the facts?

Closetbeanmuncher · 11/03/2023 12:39

Today oldest SS (now in late 30s) said to me something about never getting much financial support from us and having to always struggle

Embarrassingly deluded and bratty.

I wouldn’t even dignify that with a response tbh, you can’t argue with stupid.

Beamur · 11/03/2023 12:48

I would have said something there and then.
Nowhere near the same scale, but I pointed out to my DSD fairly recently something I had always done for them as kids. They had no idea it was me and had assumed it was their Dad. Don't assume they've joined the dots .

GloriousGoosebumps · 11/03/2023 12:51

Interesting that a previous poster said she wouldn't dignify it with a response. I couldn't disagree more. He's in his late 30's for heaven's sake! Spell it out for him and watch his face crumble.

Hooklander · 11/03/2023 12:55

Given that what he said doesn't make sense, I don't really understand why you didn't challenge him on what he said then and there.

You're a high earner, OP - you must have plenty of experience of appropriately challenging people and drawing out explanations to your satisfaction.

Floofydawg · 11/03/2023 12:57

I would definitely challenge him on it. That would make me very angry.

rookiemere · 11/03/2023 12:59

I'd absolutely say something, not accusingly but questioning. Try to understand why they are saying that and do let them know what you've paid for over the years.

Original poster
namechange1487 · 11/03/2023 17:38

Beamur · 11/03/2023 12:48

I would have said something there and then.
Nowhere near the same scale, but I pointed out to my DSD fairly recently something I had always done for them as kids. They had no idea it was me and had assumed it was their Dad. Don't assume they've joined the dots .

Actually, I'm beginning to wonder this. Though where they thought the money was coming from is baffling.

They both inherited enough to buy property outright is what I mean by set up plus both in good jobs post university and no debt

OP posts:
Original poster
namechange1487 · 11/03/2023 17:40

I've never challenged to keep the peace but now feeling a bit unappreciated to be honest

Could do without the digs

OP posts:
jemimapuddlepluck · 11/03/2023 18:08

If you are still financially supporting them in any way that needs to stop. Now. The next time you see/speak to them I would definitely be questioning this. I would also be putting him straight.

excelledyourself · 11/03/2023 18:23

So their mum provided for them even in death, leaving them rent and mortgage free, and you've contributed, or maybe even covered all costs, of uni, holidays, and weddings? And they call that struggling?

Yes, someone absolutely needs to open their entitled eyes for them.

Next time I saw them, I would make a point of saying that it has been playing on your mind and that you want them to be clear on just how much you have provided for them. That you were happy to do so (assuming you were), that you've never expected anything in return, but that you also don't appreciate how much they have taken your generosity for granted.

How did this comment even come up?

howmanybicycles · 11/03/2023 18:23

I wonder if there's a gentle way to challenge without disturbing the peace too much? Something like "paying for uni, holidays and weddings was as much as I could afford I'm afraid though I understand why people always yearn for even more support than they had".

DrMarciaFieldstone · 11/03/2023 18:30

I have found that many people who have had everything handed to them on a plate have the same attitude. It's like the more you are given the less you even notice it.

Spot on. This is my DSC too. Everything on a plate and all they can see is the (very little) they don’t have.

Stop any financial help immediately

hourbyhour101 · 11/03/2023 21:56

You know my DSD said similar recently.

And I asked her what she meant and her mum had said we never pay for anything for her.

Bare in mind I have paid personally paid for a hell of a lot of stuff, school trips, laptops, her bleeding horse (he stepped on my foot this weekend so I'm a bit narked with that horse currently) and up keep lessons ect, anything you name it. Mum ran out of money this Christmas gone and I literally sent money to pay for their Christmas (because otherwise there would have been nothing)

On top of a large amount of child maintenance DH pays (that's well well over CSA amount). Mums got the hump because I got a pay increase and she feels morally that should be meaning maintenance is upped (again ! 3rd time she's tried to push this issue)

I just started laughing and ask DSD who does she think pays for Ned (her horse) her school trips ect (mum always says she can't afford it and I pay so she can go) and something I bought recently. DSD was like oh I forgot about that. She said it was unfair I got paid so much and mum didn't.
I then explained if mum wanted more money she could work full time (DSD is a teen) and dad pays maintenance to help. DSD said mum shouldn't have to work full time🙄 and DSD shrugged her shoulders and says well it's not enough.

So I gave up, got a glass of wine and tried not to drown self in bath.

I think the thing is if the narrative has always been ohh evil sp and saintly mum. It will continue into adulthood regardless of the facts.

You can join the dots up for them but it doesn't mean they will want to see the dots joined up.

I would correct it - not because you can change how they view things. Because otherwise your also drinking the koolaid

Lastnamedidntstick · 11/03/2023 22:09

*I think the thing is if the narrative has always been ohh evil sp and saintly mum. It will continue into adulthood regardless of the facts.

You can join the dots up for them but it doesn't mean they will want to see the dots joined up*

this. Kids tend to listen to and believe their mums. So comments about “I can’t afford that”, and “ask your dad to pay, I don’t have enough money” establishes the mum skint, dad withholding money narrative. that and pointing out every little thing, dad’s gone on holiday, must be nice to have that much money. Without ever pointing out what has been paid for by dad, so they think it’s all come from mum and her sacrifices.

my Dsd’s don’t even know why their parents divorced- they’ve been given the sanitised he was a horrible person line, not the I was shagging your stepdad line.

America12 · 12/03/2023 08:48

namechange1487 · 11/03/2023 17:40

I've never challenged to keep the peace but now feeling a bit unappreciated to be honest

Could do without the digs

I would absolutely challenge them. I'd tell them exactly what you have done over the years.