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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Picky Eating

33 replies

Missmatchedgirl · 09/03/2023 09:25

My SD (10y) is a very picky eater, my OH has cooked her one of the same two meals every night for about 5 years. I personally think there might be more to it with an eating disorder but he thinks it’s just a ‘phase’.

everything I’ve read on picky eating is that you shouldn’t give them their own special meal, you still include foods they like but with new items on the plate and no pressure to try. If they don’t want to they essentially go hungry. I want to start this approach, but after years of getting every meal she wants, is this unfair?

my partner sees no issue cooking it for her every night, but I’m a SAHM to my 2 year old and want to start doing family meals (he currently eats earlier than us) which makes sense if I start cooking, but ideally one meal for everyone. I don’t think she should get special treatment, and to be honest I’m worried it will influence my child to be picky when he currently eats really well. (I’m under no illusion he won’t go through a picky eating phase though!)

Am I being unreasonable? Should I keep to cooking for my son earlier and my OH cooks for us all separately later in the evening while I’m doing bedtime? Which to be honest saddens me! I want my son to be involved in family meals. Am I going to start a war that isn’t technically my problem and one her mum and dad need to address?

SD is with us 50% of the time, if that makes a difference to how you think I should handle it!

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 09/03/2023 09:44

I would do things closer to your way, I think 10 is too old to only eat two meals and not be challenged on picky eating. There has to be more she will try.

But am I right in thinking that if you, DH and DSD all eat together, you're also only eating two meals, or does he cook separately for her then? It seems to me that if your DH doesn't want to change things, then it should be a family meal for you, DH and DS, and DSD that eats separately. If that doesn't appeal to your DH and he wants her to be included, then he needs to make more effort to get her eating. Or perhaps, if a big fuss is being made around DS and you think he'll pick up bad habits, you and DS eat the family meal and then when DS is in the bath, DH reheats his portion and feeds DSD.

I would refuse to cook her a separate meal when cooking if I were you, this is not a level of faff I'd be dragged into. He'll need to do that if it's going to carry on.

TheLaundryBasket · 09/03/2023 10:13

This is tricky. We've had a bit of it and are now coming out the far side. Does she have a favourite restaurant? Let's say she likes Nandos. At 10 she's not too far off eg having a birthday party there with her friends. So, with that in mind could you start trying to recreate Nandos style meals at home, "so she's better able to hang out with her friends"?

In our case there was definitely an element of "my Dad cooks my special meals" so maybe starting to get her Dad to help her cook now and then, and in our case it turned out DSD is a really good cook, and rapidly realised cooking with me can be more fun than cooking with Dad, because I'm the better cook, but her comfort meals are still recipes her Dad cooks, but she's okay if I make them (to his recipe) if he's busy.

Laurdo · 09/03/2023 10:28

My DSD is nearly 5. She's a very picky eater. During the week she eats earlier than us as she's hungry when she comes home from nursery at about half 3 so we make her dinner then. Learned the hard way that if we give her a snack after nursery to tide her over, by dinner time she's too tired or not hungry enough to eat and it was becoming a battle. She would happily eat some form of pasta every night for the rest of her life. I guess it's not the worst thing and we always make sure there's plenty veggies blended through the sauce. We tend to eat later on when she's in bed.

At the weekends though we eat as a family and she eats with us. So if we're having a Sunday roast she does too. It's then we try to encourage new foods and anything she seems to like we add to the list of things we give her midweek to break up all the pasta. She just discovered how delicious roast potatoes are recently! 🤣

So maybe this would be a good compromise. Start with family dinners at weekends then after a while introduce a family dinner mid week.

Another rule we have in our house is that you don't have to clear your plate but if you don't eat a reasonable amount of dinner or tell me you're too full to eat dinner then you're too full for ice cream/ice-lolly etc. When everyone else is enjoying their dessert while they're sat staring at a full plate, whinging and pushing stuff around they soon learn to just give things a try.

HereIsMyHat · 09/03/2023 11:54

Hmm. As he has cooked the same 2 meals for 5 years, it could really be that she was a fussy 5 year old and he catered to this for an easy life. If he had started addressing this gradually at the time, she could be a fairly standard eater now. This is what happened with my DSD10. She would demand her favourite dinner age 5 and have tantrums. But by gradually introducing foods over the years, and all eating together with a 'this is what we are all having for dinner' kind of routine, she now eats most things and likes most of them, too. Hard to know if there are any underlying issues for your SD or if her parents just never worked on expanding her tastes.

I would just cook one dinner for everyone including baby, and let DH worry about if he will cook SD a separate meal or expect her to try what the family are having. I wouldn't suggest making baby miss out on healthy food habits due to your DH lax parenting of SD.

Vastula · 09/03/2023 12:44

What are the meals? If it’s something like macaroni cheese can you incorporate that as a side into meals you’re cooking for the rest of the family? It’s definitely good to eat together. Try to keep the discussion off food and serve it family style; she might try other things.

ninjafoodienovice · 09/03/2023 13:18

Are there any SEN? What does she eat with her Mum? If she only ever eats one of two meals and has done for years then it's very different then if she only eats these two special meals when she's at your house.

HereIsMyHat · 09/03/2023 13:28

ninjafoodienovice · 09/03/2023 13:18

Are there any SEN? What does she eat with her Mum? If she only ever eats one of two meals and has done for years then it's very different then if she only eats these two special meals when she's at your house.

SEN would be relevant but the mum part maybe not... Pretty sure SD mum still serves SD her 2 favourite meals at her house, as she never wanted to deal with the headache of saying no!

Original poster
Missmatchedgirl · 09/03/2023 17:03

Thanks everyone!

Not SEN, just very strong willed! She has the same meals at her mums as well, so I fear we might be the bad house if we bring in these new rules. She eats nuggets and chips basically!

I quite like the idea of weekends being family meal times, I might start with that!

OP posts:
Marblessolveeverything · 09/03/2023 17:14

Her parents need to get medical advice before any interventions are tried. Amateur intervention can lead to a life of disordered eating. The parents need support to investigate the need that this behaviour is meeting.

I would be very careful of ruling out any SEN - girls are under diagnosed historically. It could be sensory linked or physiologically linked to a control but you are not a medical expert and that is who is needed to lead any interventions.

OriGanOver · 09/03/2023 17:38

I agree about medical advice/being referred by the GP.

You can also only do this if dad wants to do it otherwise you will be the bad stepmum making her eat 'yukky' food.

If it was my child I'd let them have one of the two meals a week as their choice and the other a bit of the norm and a bit of something new and inoffensive. But, it's not my child or yours and I'd advise not putting yourself in a situation where you would be the bad guy - even though you're actually being a better parent than both of them!

leelan · 09/03/2023 20:10

I feel your pain. I have two step children and we have 2 children together. I have always cooked one meal and my step children do not eat it - they are fussy, my OH does them different and always one of 2 meals. I refused from day one to make them separate dinners! I gave up with that years ago! My suggestion would be to all eat together- if she doesn't want that meal then your husband makes her different to eat at the same time.

Axahooxa · 09/03/2023 20:14

You may really cause a lot of anxiety if you change things suddenly or without involving your SD in the conversation and giving her choice and agency. I’d also keep the focus on making things work for everyone- so it may be that 2 meals/sittings is what works best for everyone, even if it falls short of your ideal.

NewNameNigel · 09/03/2023 20:34

Eating only two meals sounds like a full blown eating disorder rather than picky eating to me.

Axahooxa · 10/03/2023 08:33

I’d look up ARFID and also look into Autism and how it presents in girls, in case it’s relevant.

quietnightmare · 10/03/2023 08:40

Can you be sneaky and make your own nuggets and mix in different vegetables with the chicken then breadcrumb them - carrots, onion, peas, sweetcorn, peppers, suede, cabbage, kale etc

Original poster
Missmatchedgirl · 10/03/2023 11:51

Thanks for all your replies. I think she has ARFID, but getting my OH to look in to it himself is near impossible, and just being the step mum I’m probably over stepping the mark if I keep pushing it.

I counted the number of foods she eats.. it’s 11 (which included crisps and chocolate). She only eats a certain brand of nuggets, so no hope in me doing any home made versions :(

Has anyone found that their picky eater influenced their siblings negatively?

OP posts:
Aftjbtibg · 10/03/2023 11:59

If your DH isn’t on board then you’re going to be fighting a losing battle; if you start doing things differently to her mums house that’s fine but this sound like something you need to leave to them.
One option you could try for family dinners is to put bowls of food on the table for everyone to serve themselves with the idea being that she might start trying a little.
In terms of it effecting your son i think you probably need to ask your SD to not make comments about not liking foods etc in front of your DS as that’s the biggest way it impacts in my experience. If your DS wants what his sister is having he could have a little with whatever he is eating

palelavender · 10/03/2023 12:32

One of my children ate a very narrow range of food. They became vegetarian around four. I never made an issue of the food and they now eat a wide variety of foods of all sorts and are in med school. They're still vegetarian. The youngest ate most things but insists on free range meat and eggs. He was never influenced by his older sibling's choices even when the eldest would hiss about bits of dead animals on plates.

NorthernSpirit · 10/03/2023 13:08

This is my SD (now 17 who I have known since she was 8).

EXTREMELY fussy eater. Will only eat a very limited selection of vanilla oven food. The only ‘vegetable’ she will eat is baked beans (I hyphenated that as baked beans aren’t actually a vegetable). When eating out she would only eat a plain burger (god help you if there was anything else on it) and fries. Occasionally a Margarita pizza - a remember a melt down once as a basil leaf was on there. We went to Portugal on holiday - and she ate a plain omelette & chips every single night.

Her mother is also an extremely fussy eater and completely panders to her. She asks everyone want they want for dinner & cooks 3 different meals.

I’m a pretty good cook (my mum is a chef) - I cook everything from scratch and cook child friendly nutritious meals.

After years of eye rolling, pushing food around her plate & not willing to try anything - I’ve realised you can’t care more than the parents. SD is now 17 and still extremely fussy. Not my kid - not my problem. It’s so sad to watch.

I cook one child friendly healthy dinner (I don’t run a restaurant). If you don’t like any it - that’s fine, that’s your decision not to eat it and you can cook yourself.

The problem (IMO) is that kids nowadays have so much more choice & say in things than we as kids did. I practice the same mindset as my mum did - ‘there’s f@ck all else, so eat it or go hungry’.

If your husband wants to pander to her let him.

Navigatingthroughlife · 10/03/2023 18:59

My SS is the exact same and the same age. Funny enough we tried a new dinner tonight (toad in the hole) he liked it at first then just stopped eating it, turns out the mash and cabbage put him off. It’s really difficult and tbh I can’t offer any advice as we’re in the same situation as you but definitely here for the comments. My partner made him eat one pea once and he physically vomited so really really hard

Pinkflipflop85 · 10/03/2023 19:06

Missmatchedgirl · 10/03/2023 11:51

Thanks for all your replies. I think she has ARFID, but getting my OH to look in to it himself is near impossible, and just being the step mum I’m probably over stepping the mark if I keep pushing it.

I counted the number of foods she eats.. it’s 11 (which included crisps and chocolate). She only eats a certain brand of nuggets, so no hope in me doing any home made versions :(

Has anyone found that their picky eater influenced their siblings negatively?

My son has arfid. He eats a limited range of foods.

His little sister eats anything and everything. She lives for food!

Axahooxa · 10/03/2023 23:13

My sister has it (it’s probably linked to her undiagnosed autism). I have always eaten a range of foods.

trying to get your SD to do things to not risk being a bad influence is only ok if it’s not negatively affecting her- which a big push to eat new foods would be. I really wouldn’t worry about it.

lookluv · 12/03/2023 00:31

"then it should be a family meal for you, DH and DS, and DSD that eats separately."

And what is that going to do but alienate the child even more. Sheer nastiness - her /df is doing the cooking for her - OP is not being put out by this

SherryPalmer · 12/03/2023 01:21

Can you be sneaky and make your own nuggets and mix in different vegetables with the chicken then breadcrumb them - carrots, onion, peas, sweetcorn, peppers, suede, cabbage, kale etc

I would suggest NOT doing this if you have a very fussy older child. She will notice, become distrustful and potentially restrict her diet further.

If she is restricting her diet as much as you say, she needs professional help - otherwise there is a real risk you could make things worse. Sounds like her parents are in denial about the situation.

PizzaPastaWine · 12/03/2023 01:27

This isn't your hill to die on OP.

It's down to the DM and DF to sort.

As a previous poster has said, its not for you to worry more than the parents.

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