When do they decide?

[soleilblue]

What age do the DSC usually get to say which house they'll be at? And if you usually have EOW do you just say you can come that weekend if you want but if not it won't be until the next EOW or do you just say any weekend you want just let us know a couple of weeks in advance. It makes it tricky to plan eg family trips and holidays as DSC 1 keeps wanting to chop and change.

They come and go as they please as it is their home, and they are able to sort themselves out foodwise etc.

Mine started doing this late 14 and my partners were late teens when we met so always welcome to come and go.

Just make your plans. You can't run the family around one child.

If DSC wants to come on a weekend where you have something planned then they just can't.

I'll start this by saying I don't have SC and at my age I never will.
If SC are changing up where and where they stay, how does this work with payments from lesser RP to greater RP?

When everyone gets along like adults then it wouldn't be a problem but what happens when there are issues?

There shouldn’t be a point where any child is in charge of everyone else’s schedule.

At a certain point, it may be that the SC stop coming according to a contact schedule and, instead, it becomes a case of making arrangements. But it’s totally fine for the understanding to be that everyone’s life goes on and everyone may have other plans if they decide at the last minute they want to come.

It becomes a problem if their father insists that everyone must drop their plans tp suit it. Or for him to drop you to suit the child. But, as usual, that one is a DP problem - of not setting appropriate expectations and boundaries.

Yes that was my other question. How does it work with the CMS? They have a private arrangement based on CMS calculation.

The SC can’t be in charge of the maintenance calculation (even indirectly).

If the parents are going to agree that it’s up to the child which house they’re in when, then they really need to also just agree on a maintenance amount and not be matching nights to the CMS calculator like rigid jobsworths.

If they can’t achieve that kind of sensible, pragmatic maintenance agreement, they are going to have to set a schedule and insist their child sticks to it.

Like all these things in stepparenting, there’s a risk of weird cake and eating it behaviour. If you want flexibility to have the child decide things, you also have to accept the flexibility that the maintenance figure might not always match the number of nights. That goes both ways - the NRP accepts they may be ‘overpaying’ and the RP accepts there may be ‘underpaying’. Otherwise, they simply aren’t mature or reasonable enough to have a flexible, determined by the child contact schedule.

So do you think it's fair enough for DH to agree to go to a family party thing on "his" weekend and then DSC decides not to come? I am kind of thinking yeah it is and DH should just be honest with family and say DSC decided not to come. It will be annoying as inlaws will moan but I don't see why we can't just say DSC is at her mates instead

The RP will not accept underpaying and has suggested some sort of system where if DSC comes to ours she sends cash for food.

It's all very bizarre

My DSSs are 15 and 16. They started doing their own thing around 13/14. We currently have DSS16 full time and DSS15 is coming through this weekend for the first time in 2 months due to his social life.

DSS15 (different mum from DSS16 and DSD4) lives nearly an hour away and called DH a couple of weeks ago at 8pm on a Saturday night wanting to come through. DH declined as it was too late and told him in future to give a bit more notice and come through at a more reasonable time.

We have my DSD4 just over 50% so we plan things for ourselves on the weekends we don't have her. The boys are old enough now that they can be home alone anyway so we don't try to plan around them.

Eurgh.

well, there is a clear sign that your SD’s parents aren’t actually mature enough to let her be in charge. Sending money on a per meal basis is just bonkers.

The question about whether SD gets to decide whether her father goes to family events or not is different. That’s ridiculous. If his family will complain they didn’t get to see her, then he needs to explain that she’s a teenager and she’d rather see her friends or insist that she comes to see her family.

@Laurdo Similar ages and we have joint DC. Great to know how it works for you. Yes it's the notice I'm personally concerned about. I think if they ask with short notice and we have plans then we should be able to say no. Dh is saying he'd drop plans and never turn them away etc. Which is ridiculous as some things need booking.

Yes I think he should just say she can't be arsed or is with her mates or whatever and leave it at that

Meant to add. Theres no changes to maintenance payments. The original arrangement for DSS16 and DSD4 is 50/50 so there's never been maintenance for either parent. We have DSS16 full time just now and have DSD4 just over 50% but wouldn't ask their mum for money as we don't need it and it's not worth the hassle. With DSS15 DHs maintenance payments just stay the same even though his visits are infrequent. They have a private arrangement and DH tends to pay for extras like uniform, new jackets and trainers, new phone etc.

The problem is that your DH aid insisting he’d drop plans and never ‘turn them away’.

He’s happy to put his teens in charge of everyone’s lives. That’s not healthy.

He needs to have clear boundaries and expectations. He could tell his children that they’re welcome to come but everyone may have other plans, so they might be in the house on their own for the evening. Or that sometimes he will just have to say no because he won’t be there. That’s not ‘turning them away’, it’s totally sensible.

Even more so when he and his ex are going to be weird about maintenance based on whatever the children decide.

If he keeps dropping plans then they'll never give notice because they know they'll get to come regardless. I think this "kids always come first" is quite harmful. Yes, kids should be a priority but they need to learn that the whole world doesn't revolve around them. They need to learn to be respectful of other peoples time. When DSS15 called the other week DH told him it was a bit later for a 2 hour round trip but he also said "I'm glad you want to come through, and I'd love to see you but it's a bit late. Had you called at 2pm I'd would have come and got you no problem". DSS15 called DH last night and said he wanted to come through this weekend and askes if he could pick him up from school on Friday. Lesson learned.

I hate to think how these kids are going to survive in the real world when people don't pander to their every want and drop everything for them.

Yes I think that is good point. They need some sort of boundaries. And also to understand the consequences. Eg. Sure but if you don't come next week you won't be able to come until x y z date or you'll miss auntie J's party and they will be upset.

Why shouldn't they get to come? And given their age why does it necessarily have to change your plans?

Couples that are still together also make plans and it's pretty standard for kids to either join in or not especially at teenage age.

I find the resistance to normal parenting so odd.

Because if we have plans to do something and have booked it why should we have to rush around trying to get them a ticket when they've previously said they aren't coming.

It would change some plans due to distances involved and DH having to do driving for a start

If it means having to pick them up I can see why that is a pain. But if you do have plans, can't you just say we are doing x and we can't get a ticket for you, they can still come over but miss the thing?

Yes I don't see why not but their may be push back at them being left out.

I think as long as DH gives notice of any big plans it should be fine though.

My son is now in his mid 20s but he definitely don't want to tag along with me when he was 15/16.

This is concerning. Fine if they want to chop and change but it is not fair to have to drop plans. They should be told they're welcome to come but would have to stay behind, or that it won't work that weekend.

I'd be a bit worried about your DHs attitude.

I think he's just struggling to adapt to the whole thing if I'm honest. He doesn't want to tell them they can't come.

I was thinking a good plan would be if we make sure plans are made accordingly for if it should be a weekend they are here or they aren't here (at the moment) and then the DSC are told they are welcome whenever but EOW we might have plans and they can just stay at home if they don't/can't join in. Then on the weekends they are "meant" to be here then we don't plan anything major including them without them agreeing to come.

As for the maintenance I personally think DH should just pay as if they are here EOW and if they don't come so be it.

I was thinking a good plan would be if we make sure plans are made accordingly for if it should be a weekend they are here or they aren't here (at the moment) and then the DSC are told they are welcome whenever but EOW we might have plans and they can just stay at home if they don't/can't join in. Then on the weekends they are "meant" to be here then we don't plan anything major including them without them agreeing to come.

I think that sounds eminently sensible.

So mom thinks you should pay as if they're never there and she'll reimburse you and you think you should pay as if they're always there (EOW) and if they don't come so be it. If you're not that bothered about her reimbursing you I'd go for her option so everyone feels they're getting a good deal.