Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Contact with a court order

31 replies

BMCx · 25/02/2023 23:15

Hi everyone, just want some advice really my partners daughter is 8 years old a refusing to come to our house it has been 6 weeks now no contact so she has missed 3 weekends ( partners has weekend overnight stays fortnightly).
we have a court order in place purely for contact reasoning - this was arranged before child turned 2 years due to mum moving away from the area.
The mum doesn’t seem to be encouraging contact ie phone calls or messages on his contact weekends or during the week, he seems a bit lost.
is there anything we can do

OP posts:
Nightynightnight · 25/02/2023 23:20

You say she's refusing to come to your house. Why is this? And would she agree to meet him out of the house.

Lefteyetwitch · 25/02/2023 23:21

He needs to apply for an enforcement order.
He can request collection take place a school on Friday for example to negate some potential separation issues.

Original poster
BMCx · 25/02/2023 23:23

Nightynightnight · 25/02/2023 23:20

You say she's refusing to come to your house. Why is this? And would she agree to meet him out of the house.

She has said certain things like limited time on iPad and rules being different to home - understandable as she is at home more than with us however we saw her 4 weeks in a row over Christmas and now she doesn’t want to come. Both parents confused at why all of a sudden she has chosen to do this.
she won’t even let my partner take her out for the day where she lives - point blank refused- very sad 😞

OP posts:
Original poster
BMCx · 25/02/2023 23:28

Lefteyetwitch · 25/02/2023 23:21

He needs to apply for an enforcement order.
He can request collection take place a school on Friday for example to negate some potential separation issues.

is it too soon for that? 3 weekends missed?
they live 2 hours away so school collections is hard due to work hours, he collects at 5pm every other Friday however.
we just don’t want to give the mother reason to react badly but it is unfair I believe that the daughter is just deciding not to come and the mum is not encouraging contact she even commented out of sight out of mind when it comes to the daughter which really upset my other half

OP posts:
Hoardasurass · 25/02/2023 23:32

Has something happened recently whether at mums house or yours? As for contact by phone or facetime is this something that normally happens or something that you think should be happening. Your dh needs to sit down with her and talk to her. If he's got a good relationship with mum he could ask her to talk to your dsd and try and find out what's going on.
Your dh can apply for an enforcement order however the courts are back logged and could take months so he needs to try and get to the bottom of this in the meantime rather than just waiting on the court

Hoardasurass · 25/02/2023 23:35

Sorry @BMCx just saw your updates should have refreshed before I posted

Original poster
BMCx · 25/02/2023 23:37

Hoardasurass · 25/02/2023 23:32

Has something happened recently whether at mums house or yours? As for contact by phone or facetime is this something that normally happens or something that you think should be happening. Your dh needs to sit down with her and talk to her. If he's got a good relationship with mum he could ask her to talk to your dsd and try and find out what's going on.
Your dh can apply for an enforcement order however the courts are back logged and could take months so he needs to try and get to the bottom of this in the meantime rather than just waiting on the court

Not that we know of…
it is very rare for a phonecall or FaceTime with the daughter but he does message mum in between to ask how daughter is however he feels there should be a phonecall or message at least on his weekend of contact if she doesn’t want to come (daughter also has his number but nothing from her).
mum is insisting it is a phase and her age but how long do we go one like this for?
mum can be fiery when she doesn’t like what she hears so he chooses words wisely - something like this would spark a fuse. He is just so unsure of best way to go about it or what to do.

OP posts:
Lefteyetwitch · 25/02/2023 23:38

BMCx · 25/02/2023 23:28

is it too soon for that? 3 weekends missed?
they live 2 hours away so school collections is hard due to work hours, he collects at 5pm every other Friday however.
we just don’t want to give the mother reason to react badly but it is unfair I believe that the daughter is just deciding not to come and the mum is not encouraging contact she even commented out of sight out of mind when it comes to the daughter which really upset my other half

Show quote history

It may be upsetting but as an adult he has to accept that's right.
She's 8. What is he doing day to day?

What could she do? She's doing 100% of parenting so burdening her further is unfair. He needs to do something. He can't just sit there and say woe is me.

He can go for enforcement now. But he is going to have to actually work at building things with his daughter

Hoardasurass · 25/02/2023 23:45

Can I suggest that your dh calls his dd rather than expected her or her mum to call him. That way she knows he is trying and it doesn't put anymore admin on mum

Navigatingthroughlife · 26/02/2023 08:08

Could he maybe arrange with mum to go round the house and have a chat with her alone as to what her issue is. 8 is very young to decide she no longer wants to see dad and there may be issues she’s not spoken about. If it boils down to restricted iPad time etc she needs to understand she’s 8 and her dad is only parenting her. Dad could suggest doing things with her when not on her iPad such as swimming, going to the park etc? Unfortunately we live in a technology generation now but by taking her to the park etc when she’s not allowed on her iPad will teach her how to be a kid and just have fun

Original poster
BMCx · 01/03/2023 10:26

Hoardasurass · 25/02/2023 23:45

Can I suggest that your dh calls his dd rather than expected her or her mum to call him. That way she knows he is trying and it doesn't put anymore admin on mum

Contact isn’t allowed direct he has to make mum aware - she’s funny about certain things so he feels like he can’t say/ do anything a normal dad would

OP posts:
Original poster
BMCx · 01/03/2023 10:30

Navigatingthroughlife · 26/02/2023 08:08

Could he maybe arrange with mum to go round the house and have a chat with her alone as to what her issue is. 8 is very young to decide she no longer wants to see dad and there may be issues she’s not spoken about. If it boils down to restricted iPad time etc she needs to understand she’s 8 and her dad is only parenting her. Dad could suggest doing things with her when not on her iPad such as swimming, going to the park etc? Unfortunately we live in a technology generation now but by taking her to the park etc when she’s not allowed on her iPad will teach her how to be a kid and just have fun

he Has suggested to meet his daughter and take her out with mum present where she lives so they can spend time together and talk but daughter is saying no.
totally agree with you as we only have her for short amount of time we always ensure we have plans or if we don’t bike rides, walks to the river/ town for a drink and snack - but she doesn’t seem to be phased/ appreciate these kind of things.

OP posts:
Vastula · 01/03/2023 12:28

She’s 8. He needs to go and get her. She doesn’t get to decide until she’s older. If the mother is blocking / discouraging contact then he needs to go back to court. Can she go to after school club on his Fridays and he can collect from there so it’s neutral ground?

Are there other children at your home that she doesn’t get on with?

Original poster
BMCx · 02/03/2023 10:24

Vastula · 01/03/2023 12:28

She’s 8. He needs to go and get her. She doesn’t get to decide until she’s older. If the mother is blocking / discouraging contact then he needs to go back to court. Can she go to after school club on his Fridays and he can collect from there so it’s neutral ground?

Are there other children at your home that she doesn’t get on with?

I like this suggestion about after school club, thank you!
We have 1 child whom is 18 months but can’t see this being an issue when she has 3 younger siblings at home.
dad also takes her out on his own for quality time whilst we (me and toddler) are at groups on these contact weekends.

OP posts:
Vastula · 02/03/2023 10:59

If there’s no contact between visits, she probably doesn’t feel very connected with her dad or your household. Can you have the court order changed to include calls? Send postcards? It really is about familiarity at that age.

Maybe she’s used to being the centre of attention at your house but now feels like an outsider, whereas she feels at home and a bit more in control at her mum’s?

When you next see her, I’d focus on exciting things she can do with you that she might not be able to do at her other home - grown-up days out with her dad, decorating her room, seeing cousins, having sleepovers?

Good luck!

Original poster
BMCx · 02/03/2023 15:29

Vastula · 02/03/2023 10:59

If there’s no contact between visits, she probably doesn’t feel very connected with her dad or your household. Can you have the court order changed to include calls? Send postcards? It really is about familiarity at that age.

Maybe she’s used to being the centre of attention at your house but now feels like an outsider, whereas she feels at home and a bit more in control at her mum’s?

When you next see her, I’d focus on exciting things she can do with you that she might not be able to do at her other home - grown-up days out with her dad, decorating her room, seeing cousins, having sleepovers?

Good luck!

Completely get that and dad would speak to her all the time if he could- it’s very restricted always has been this way unfortunately them living 100 miles away doesn’t help either.

we always do exciting things with her as we have limited amount of time Friday night -Sunday lunchtime before she has to go home so we always feel like we have to make plans/ go fun places- especially stuff she would not do at home due to being a bigger family -this is why I can’t understand why she would want to just suddenly stop coming.
Appreciate your help and thank you x

OP posts:
leelan · 02/03/2023 16:47

It's very difficult. My son who is 7, nearly 8 often says he doesn't want to go to his dads at the weekend. He goes 3 nights a month, 3 Saturdays and is only gone for 24 hours - all down to his dad - no court order etc. My son often cries and doesn't want to go. He says it's because this is his home and where he feels most comfortable. Maybe you need to enforce or go back to court for more regular contact so she can feel more apart of your household than a guest.
I have step children also and they a pre teen and teen. They often don't want to come to ours because they want sleepovers with their friends, or to hang out down the park etc. as children get older they begin to feel social and friends are more important. This could only get worse. Maybe if she doesn't want a weekend, a weeknight and early morning school drop off as a compromise. I know it's 2 hour drive but if this is the only way to see his daughter then maybe it's something he should consider.

Original poster
BMCx · 03/03/2023 17:56

leelan · 02/03/2023 16:47

It's very difficult. My son who is 7, nearly 8 often says he doesn't want to go to his dads at the weekend. He goes 3 nights a month, 3 Saturdays and is only gone for 24 hours - all down to his dad - no court order etc. My son often cries and doesn't want to go. He says it's because this is his home and where he feels most comfortable. Maybe you need to enforce or go back to court for more regular contact so she can feel more apart of your household than a guest.
I have step children also and they a pre teen and teen. They often don't want to come to ours because they want sleepovers with their friends, or to hang out down the park etc. as children get older they begin to feel social and friends are more important. This could only get worse. Maybe if she doesn't want a weekend, a weeknight and early morning school drop off as a compromise. I know it's 2 hour drive but if this is the only way to see his daughter then maybe it's something he should consider.

Very difficult indeed!
I would totally understand and being a teen I was the same (split parents) but she is still a child - she is very much in control of what she is doing, mum doesn’t agree with her saying no but again doesn’t want to put her in the car kicking and screaming which I get totally. Difficult for dad too, he just wants to see her and go back to how it was it’s been 2 months now.

OP posts:
wildseas · 03/03/2023 18:12

I agree with you that she’s too young to choose but it doesn’t sound to me like it’s the mums fault if she’s usually happy with the weekend at yours. I do think the pickup from mums and the long journey are probably not helping.

Can dad use some of his holiday and arrange with the mum to pick up every Fridays from school for a few weeks?

For the first couple of weeks just spend a few hours together and then drop her back to mums. Then change to every other weekend picking up from school.

Then maybe add in after school club on a Friday afternoon once she’s settled back at yours.

leopardprintismyfavourite · 03/03/2023 18:16

Why is contact by phone restricted? Is that actually in your court order or is that something Mum’s decided?

leelan · 03/03/2023 21:40

Yea I understand she's a young child but unfortunately if you put her in the car kicking and screaming she will absolutely hate coming and will see this in a very negative way. I think you need to ride it out. Can she not just come for the day.. and your OH take her back so she doesn't sleep? Maybe a few months of that and then gradually move back to overnight stays?

Original poster
BMCx · 04/03/2023 07:34

leelan · 03/03/2023 21:40

Yea I understand she's a young child but unfortunately if you put her in the car kicking and screaming she will absolutely hate coming and will see this in a very negative way. I think you need to ride it out. Can she not just come for the day.. and your OH take her back so she doesn't sleep? Maybe a few months of that and then gradually move back to overnight stays?

Of course and I agree with that 100%.
she doesn’t even want to see him, he’s offered to take her out where she lives so she doesn’t have to stay and she just says she doesn’t want to go, also offered to go see her and just go for a walk so they can spend an hour or so together and still no luck😔

OP posts:
Original poster
BMCx · 04/03/2023 07:35

leopardprintismyfavourite · 03/03/2023 18:16

Why is contact by phone restricted? Is that actually in your court order or is that something Mum’s decided?

Phone calls is not in the court order and I don’t believe it should be either but I think it’s vital to keep a relationship if she doesn’t want to come. Mum just doesn’t like direct contact without being in the loop - it’s like he has to ask for permission

OP posts:
leelan · 04/03/2023 08:14

@BMCx huge sympathy to your husband. He must be very distressed by the situation. Sometimes at that kind of age children do things to get attention. Could this be her seeking attention- daddy keeps messaging and daddy really wants to see me so I'm being stubborn 🤷🏻‍♀️
If it was me.. I'd 100% turn up - with mums approval- and talk to his daughter and confront her. Best of luck x

Talon01 · 04/03/2023 11:04

Hi

Taken it from someone that knows. First time the court order is broken go for enforcement.

An 8 year old doesn't want to come is very suspicious. I'd also be tempted to speak to a support worker team and mention that you have concerns around alienation etc as unfortunately with these things whoever gets there first gets to control the narrative.

The only question really is whether there's an actual issue in hand and from what you're saying there isn't. An issue is a safeguarding concern not different rules at different houses although it does obviously help if consistent.