Please help

[Itsallovernow23]

Our relationship has been difficult for a while because I feel that my partner never wants to spend time with me unless his kids are busy. They are 8 and 10. We have the children sat am until weds am and this schedule works as it means he can take them to all of their clubs and we can do thijgs altogether at the weekends. I work long hours but don't work Thursdays or at the weekends.

I very recently had a close family bereavement and dh decided to use this as a time to tell me he wants contact to change to the kids being able to decide on the day if they want to come. It's caused a massive breakdown in our relationship which will probably be over now because of the following reasons:

• he said he doesn't want to consider any plans we have togethrr, or indeed me at all. He feels he wants his kids here everyday and they should be able to decide.

• I love the kids and love spending time together but also value down time and time together as a couple. This wouldn't work if they come on the only days/nights I have off.

• I have severe depression but I am largely functional. I am receiving treatment and support. I need sleep, routine and rest. I want to know what plans I can make for resting and connecting with my parter and going to see friends, not to wait until I get home to see if his kids have decided to come.

I cant deal with him changing an arrangement that's worked well and telling me he's done with considering me. I also can't cope with asking him for emotional support and him making ny life hardee. He said its because he feels its a perfect time to bring things up when I'm already very low as I'm low anyway.

I'd like to know if I'm being unreasonable and if so how I can be helped to see it. At the moment I'm devastated and unable to function but that is because of all of the factors. He said I can't leave as I'm unable to due to my depression so I am going ro be stuck with this.

Have you asked him to buy you out?

if not have you considered moving out and stopping paying the mortgage?

he will then be paying into your equity so he will be motivated to sell or buy you out

The bit where any resolve goes. He's really rich so it wouldn't matter to him. He's now saying all the right things but stuck in this cycle of feeling like I need to move out. He doesn't or claims to not understand me. He's now saying his kids dont want to come round ad hoc but he's sick of me controlling things because I said it didn't work for me to not know what was happening. I think I would be better in terms of mental health being away

What he says is fairly worthless at this point. What he does is relevant and how miserable you seem to be feeling while in this relationship is relevant.

It would be entirely normal for his kids visits to become more ad hoc as they get older. Being a parent just doesn’t work to a schedule and you’ve said you can’t deal with anything changing so this is never going to work long term. You will feel so much better when you’re in control of your own life.

Can half your share of the house cover your future rent (different situation entirely but I once lived in an absolutely tiny studio and loved it : cheaper to decorate, less bills, and especially… the freedom!).
Are you entitled to disability benefits or any other ?

As for not being able to cope : you work part time don’t you ? That’s already amazing given how much stress you’re under.

When you say you can’t cope with everyday life, could you (if you feel comfortable) give specific examples ? I’m sure we’d be happy to help with ideas of how to make life simpler. But if you’re holding down down a job, I think you’re underestimating yourself

Oh lovely. I want you to know that without all this stress there’s a strong women just waiting to emerge.
first of all know that you can 100% do this - whatever this is!
Here is a site full of helpful advice and handholds along the way.
life is a journey full of ups and downs, you have to gain your strength from knowing how to manage your depression and you do! You know you need down time, time to rest and can work part time while still managing your condition.
what you now need to do is decide on the journey forward, baby steps. No need to decide today. You should get a notebook and write down the pros and cons of leaving vs staying. Investigate what the future could look like without the stress of him and his children.

How long have you been with him op?

Listen to him OP. He wants to end the relationship but wants you to do it.
He might be an absolute monster or he might be at the end of his tether. My DH had severe depression that was so incredibly consuming for everyone. Couldn't plan things as we had to see how he was feeling on the day, I couldn't share my worries/concerns about anything as it would make his mood even lower. He had a way of completely sucking any joy out of anything and we were all walking around on eggshells. Of course he couldn't see this and thought I was being emotionally abusive 🤔. In the end I compartmentalised our marriage and got on with everything myself for my own self preservation. My dc literally kept me going, and if he had have said that they could only come around by prior arrangement on certain days then I would have said what your dp did.
The relationship is over OP. You need to move on. He has emotionally checked out and you need more than this.

This with bells on

The children are a red herring, he has no respect for you and is at the least emotionally abusive. I hope you have practical support to help you decide the next step.

I agree with this. He has pretty much opted out of the relationship.

FWIW I think 8 and 10 is way too young to be coming and going as they please. Routines still matter at these ages.

Thank you for your advice. I have tried to reply before but my message got swiped. To answer some questions:
I'm a teacher and once I have been at work for 10 hours I can no longer function as in I need to lay in a dark room. I can't organise paying bills, social life, hobby and anything really. It feels like my life force has been sucked out of me but I do love my job. I just catch up on marking and then sit and stare at the walls, often crying on my day off whilst I'm on my own.
I can't make any decisions. Everything seems overwhelming. I haven't gone to any shop for months. I don't have appetite and barely eat - just eat to put calories in me.
I cant speak to anyone on the phone - I can't keep up with what they are saying. These are some ways I can't cope. But I can go to work and teach and I can brush my teeth etc. I am seeing a counsellor and my gp is calling me weekly and will see me at any time I want so I have got amazing medical support. And once my year 11 and 13s have done their exams then I will look at her advice of getting signed off. I am the Head of department of a very small department and we canf recruit at the moment.
To the poster whose husband was depressed and felt she was walking on egg shells. My partner has said this about me. I have told him I'd rather live in a bedsit than feel responsible for curtailing his freedom. I feel like I can ask for consideration such as letting me know jn advance when he is having his kids over because it's my safe space and I don't have the energy to mask my depression at short notice. It also costs me too much. I need routine or consideration. He wants to be available at all times for his kids. The two don't match because I am unwell. He us unhappy I am moving out but will support my decision. Although he is really trying to make me stay, I don't want to be the person who stops him doing what he wants so I am going.
Hopefully as other posters hsve said, once I don't have the stresses of his poor relationship with his ex and I can make routine and consistency for myself and rest, this depression might ease. I have got to try.

All the best OP 💐

Depression is a fucker 💐 I have had it once when I had and lost my first child. Fucking horrific.

That said op I think would be depressed with a partner who spoke to me like yours does. At the moment he's blaming your depression but has he taken any accountability for the fact he's not actually helping or providing any support to you. Or just telling you your needs don't matter like at all.

If someone says ouch don't hit me with that bat it hurts, and the other goes well I need to hit you with that bat and actually it's your fault for being in pain. Normally you wouldn't sit there and let the person continue to hit you. Unfortunately depression makes it very hard to move away.

And yes Depression can be a case of the chicken or the egg. It could be the relationship making you depressed or it could be depression making the relationship bad. But you know I suspect it's actually because your DH holds all the cards financially, emotionally and keeps hitting you with that bat.

You will get to the end of the tunnel. I know it seems really dammed dark right now but you aren't alone. You can and will see sunshine. But right now all I can advise is keep talking, counselling is painful as it is hard (if your being honest with yourself and them) medication is there is you need it and can provide breathing room.

Don't give up. Please just don't give up.

OP, focus on you. Your DP is toxic. You'll never find peace in that relationship.

FWIW, I don't have depression but STILL would not be accepting of no routine.

Thank you your message made me cry. I had a late miscarriage and then had to hsve lots of medical interventions for a few months afterwards and my depression stems from then. And anger that I felt unable to grieve and had to put on a happy front for the children.
I am feeling much better - as in not desperate, just flat. I can't see how I'll ever recover but am doing all the things like counselling, meds, diet and exercise as I might as well do that and see if things improve.
I have found some places to view. He is being really supportive and saying that he will change as in he is happy to give me notice of when his kids are coming and that he'll do anything to make me happy - he just wants a happy family. But I've heard it all before and I think we ultimately want different things. I want go recover and build a life for myself. Previously making plans with or without the children has been difficult as the mother will decide to change arrangements.
Also he wants to have his kids round whenever they decide and previous posters have said that is right buy it doesnt work for me. I would like to know if any plans I have are going to have to change before they do.
I really hope I can be ok.

@Itsallovernow23 sweet baby Jesus your DP just upgraded from tosser to complete and utter twat.

I'm so so sorry you lost your baby op. It's dammed ducking horrific. No doubt about it. Did you have space to process or grieve ? In this context if you had to put on a smiley face around DSC then I can quite imagine you like to know when they are coming over so you can plaster that smile back on. Even if you don't really want to. That's hard when your grieving still.

You sound so v low op. I wish I had better words or some way to take the pain better. The only way is through on the grief front in my opinion. Bottling it does nothing constructive.

Counselling somewhat helped me but it took a long while. It comes in waves 🌊 doesn't it ? You think your done and some mad wave comes and sweeps you off your feet and your dragged out to sea again.

I know you think your alone but you aren't. Your entitled to want some type of structure to have time to grieve. Even as a step mum, actually especially if your a stepmum. And if your DP doesn't understand this. Then you deserve so much fucking more.

@Itsallovernow23 also your angry because it's so fucking unfair.

Anger is so so normal. It's one of the faces of grief. Remember grief is just another expression of love ❤️