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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Please help

43 replies

Itsallovernow23 · 24/02/2023 16:56

Our relationship has been difficult for a while because I feel that my partner never wants to spend time with me unless his kids are busy. They are 8 and 10. We have the children sat am until weds am and this schedule works as it means he can take them to all of their clubs and we can do thijgs altogether at the weekends. I work long hours but don't work Thursdays or at the weekends.

I very recently had a close family bereavement and dh decided to use this as a time to tell me he wants contact to change to the kids being able to decide on the day if they want to come. It's caused a massive breakdown in our relationship which will probably be over now because of the following reasons:

  • he said he doesn't want to consider any plans we have togethrr, or indeed me at all. He feels he wants his kids here everyday and they should be able to decide.
  • I love the kids and love spending time together but also value down time and time together as a couple. This wouldn't work if they come on the only days/nights I have off.
  • I have severe depression but I am largely functional. I am receiving treatment and support. I need sleep, routine and rest. I want to know what plans I can make for resting and connecting with my parter and going to see friends, not to wait until I get home to see if his kids have decided to come.

I cant deal with him changing an arrangement that's worked well and telling me he's done with considering me. I also can't cope with asking him for emotional support and him making ny life hardee. He said its because he feels its a perfect time to bring things up when I'm already very low as I'm low anyway.

I'd like to know if I'm being unreasonable and if so how I can be helped to see it. At the moment I'm devastated and unable to function but that is because of all of the factors. He said I can't leave as I'm unable to due to my depression so I am going ro be stuck with this.

OP posts:
Zola1 · 24/02/2023 17:01

OK if you re focus a minute... he thinks when you're low is a perfect time to tell you. Eg, you feel shit anyway so here's some news you won't have the strength to discuss with me. He's also saying you won't leave him as you can't. Take the kids out of it..is this the usual dynamic of your relationship?
Other stuff aside, would he usually make decisions that change your life without even speaking with you about it? What does coming whenever they want mean?
Realistically, he has children, they're getting older, and a good dad would be glad to spend more time with them. He's a father so his life is going to primarily revolve around his children.

TomatoSandwiches · 24/02/2023 17:02

You absolutely can leave, how dare he tell you this.

I think you need to take care of yourself and leave, he doesnsound very caring towards you and seems to want to make your life worse, very odd and selfish.
Can you find somewhere to go or stay with family/friends for a while?

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/02/2023 17:06

Of course you can leave! What an outrageous thing for him to say.

Tbh you don’t have an option given he wants to behave as though he’s single.

The DC are too young to be in charge of contact arrangements and it’ll be chaos of stuff in the wrong house, neither parent know if homework’s been done, general unsettledness. But if he and their mum want to do this that’s on them, not your problem as you won’t be involved.

He’s a selfish selfish man. I wouldn’t be surprised if you only realise how crap he’s been when you’re free of him and your mental health might improve hugely.

Original poster
Itsallovernow23 · 24/02/2023 17:07

I see that he wants to spend time with his children he sees them every day. He doesn't think there should be set days. I can't see how this isn't totally unreasonable but it doesn't work for me. I need to rest and to be able to connect. He ignores me when they are here but wants me to watch them altogether. I'm really unwell and need to rest and relax just one day a week. Thats why I work part time for medical reasons. I think its just we want different things but he's blindsided me with unilaterally deciding it. We'll he and his kids have decided it.
I hadn't considered that he was using my low times because I would have no strength. I felt he was deliberately trying to torture me. I know that's dramatic but it's how depression makes me think.
I've got no where to go. I do have friends but not local but I can stay in my room. I've been sick off work today and be here all day.

OP posts:
Rtmhwales · 24/02/2023 17:10

What does their mum think? What's the schedule now? I can't see too many parents agreeing to this haphazard contact schedule.

Original poster
Itsallovernow23 · 24/02/2023 17:12

The mum always wants to change it. I expect it was because she drove it.
I just feel so worthless.

OP posts:
NewNameNigel · 24/02/2023 17:20

I think the step childrens arrangements are a red herring here. He has said he no longer wants to consider your needs. That has to be the end of the relationship.

He sounds emotionally abusive op.

DoristheDuchess · 24/02/2023 17:23

What's your housing setup OP? do you rent or do you own together?

Where do you stand financially?

Yousee · 24/02/2023 17:27
  1. He's an emotionally abusive horror or spectacularly stupid and selfish at best.
  2. He has zero, absolutely zero, business being in a serious relationship if he has no intention of showing his victim any respect or care. Having children is not a free pass to be a shit to your partner. It just isn't.
  3. There is nothing to be gained from staying and so much to be gained by leaving. I bet if you leave it will be like a horrible dark cloud lifting from your life and you will be able to breathe again. He's making your life harder and explicitly telling you he doesn't care. Off you fuck, dickhead.
Original poster
Itsallovernow23 · 24/02/2023 17:32

Lol @Yousee that actually made me smile for some reason. I need some of that power. We both own the house equally. He said I can't sell from under him, I'll have to get a force of sale. I can barely do anything - I havebt eaten since yesterday lunch time. I have packed up two bags of clothes to take to the charity shop to start my leaving journey.
He says I always threaten to leave but never do it so he reckons I won't. To be honest I really struggle with normal life and wouldn't have the first clue in how to. And we have been together for 6 years.
I just feel tortured. And weak and broken.

OP posts:
JustAnotherManicNameChange · 24/02/2023 17:35

The issue isn't the kids or even contact (even if it seems like it). The issue is he's an arrogant arsehole. He's happy to kick you when you're down and take advantage because "you can't leave". If it wasn't contact , it would be something else I'd definitely do my best to figure things out and prove him wrong.

Unable my ass...

NewNameNigel · 24/02/2023 17:35

Op I suspect your mental health will improve significantly if you remove yourself from an abusive relationship. You don't need his permission or agreement to end the relationship. You don't need to get him to see reason.

Original poster
Itsallovernow23 · 24/02/2023 17:39

Yeah. It's so so sad. We went through alot together but I think I will also get better without him. He says he loves me even today but ultimately we want different things.
I just don't know how to move out with no money.

OP posts:
DoristheDuchess · 24/02/2023 17:40

So next step, get a solicitor and start your next steps to freedom.

He's wrong, you can get the house sold. It may need to be through a court order but courts like a clean split, so he'll either have to buy you out or the house is sold.

He's not the boss of you and you also have rights. Don't let him persuade you otherwise, it just suits him to keep you down at heel.

Find your anger and make a plan. I bet your mental health improves significantly when your free!

Bunnyishotandcross · 24/02/2023 17:44

Confide in a famiy member op. I get they may be grieving but you need supprt irl.. And maybe consider borrowing some cash to rent a room. Seek legal advice to sell the house or get him to buy you out.

JanusTheFirst · 24/02/2023 17:59

The first thing to do is establish that the kids aren't there unless he is. make that very clear.

Original poster
Itsallovernow23 · 24/02/2023 18:25

I don't object to the kids being there - I love them but I'm not their mum and its hard being a step parent. I'm upset that he said he doesn't want to consider me. And am worried about not having a time to rest.
Re moving out - I went part time because of my depression and already don't have enough money to cover outgoing. He said he can pay my rent and take it off the profits when the house is sold. I need to find my power. How do I do that?

OP posts:
excelledyourself · 24/02/2023 18:30

I have no doubt that in six months, you'll look back and realise leaving this man was the very best thing to do for your mental health.

He actually told you that he will kick you while you're down and tried to make you think that's the kind thing to do!

You can leave. And you absolutely should.

Please don't get sucked back in by him. He's beyond fucking awful, and you're worth ten of him.

DoristheDuchess · 24/02/2023 18:53

He said he can pay my rent and take it off the profits when the house is sold. I need to find my power. How do I do that?

You first find your power by realising he doesn't have your interests at heart and is actively trying to take advantage of your weakness. I wouldn't trust him at all, he's out for himself at this point.

First things first, get legal advice and stop listening to the crap he is spouting!

Find out exactly what you're entitled to and where you stand. Keep this knowledge to yourself and make a plan to leave.

Keep all the planning to yourself and don't tell him what you are doing.

YukoandHiro · 24/02/2023 18:58

How long have you suffered from depression? Highly suspect he might be the cause and leaving will solve two problems in one.
Find your strength. You can do this.

lunar1 · 24/02/2023 19:05

Looking from the outside, this isn't about his children. He wants to end the relationship, but is forcing you to do it. He sounds absolutely horrendous.

He can paint you as the wicked woman who stopped him seeing his children.

You really need a solicitor who will do all the legwork on this for you.

MelchiorsMistress · 24/02/2023 19:13

You’ve accepted that the relationship is over so from here, the only way is up. Even if it takes time to make your plan to leave, you can do it! Talk to a solicitor about what will have to happen so that you can get your share of the value in your house.

Original poster
Itsallovernow23 · 24/02/2023 20:00

I'm back to square one. I was starting to feel strong. He's now said he said it in frustration be didn't mean it. It's such a headfuck.

OP posts:
TitaniumAndTinyVictories · 24/02/2023 20:12

I'd start with some little steps, eventually leaving won't feel so overwhelming. What's the most important priority right now? If it's getting a rest set boundaries to achieve that. Thursday is the day you rest, make it clear if DC are there on Thursday they are 100% his responsibility and you will be resting and doing nothing else. Put a bolt on the bedroom door if necessary and leave him to it no matter what he does. If he's a jerk about this then that shows you your health isn't important to him. If you have a spare room, even a living space you could turn it into your room to give you some physical and mental space. You need a safe place where you can mentally relax. You can even seperate under one roof when you feel ready.

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/02/2023 21:17

Itsallovernow23 · 24/02/2023 20:00

I'm back to square one. I was starting to feel strong. He's now said he said it in frustration be didn't mean it. It's such a headfuck.

Which bit?