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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

What age to consider relocating?

33 replies

HerbWord · 22/02/2023 19:20

I am a stepmum to a 10 year old.

We have 50/50 contact.

We currently live close enough to SD's mum that there is no issue with picking up SD from school etc. We live 3 miles away in the same big city.

DH is truly miserable living where we do. I also am not happy here. For many many reasons (financial, lifestyle, community etc) we would prefer to live somewhere more rural. If SD lived with us fulltime, we would have moved already.

SDs mum is unlikely to move, as she has low cost accomodation in a nice part of the city. So we are basically stuck living a harder life to be near where SD mum wants to be.

I have already accepted that we need to be here, as it is the only way to maintain the 50:50 arrangement. I was abandoned by a parent and would not inflict that on a child.

But in the long term, what age would SD need to be before we considered living a few hours away from her mum by train?

Has anyone moved away from where the ex lives when a stepchild was older, and when?

Would it be once she was living independantly? At uni or otherwise?

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Original poster

HerbWord · 22/02/2023 19:23

I should also mention that SD has said many times she wants to live in the countryside, but I would not want to put her in a position to choose a parent having had a stable 50:50 which seems to work well for her.

OP posts:

MissAmbrosia · 22/02/2023 19:28

Why are you even thinking of making her choose? My dad moved to the countryside when I was about 13. I had little desire to go as I wanted to go out with my friends.

Original poster

HerbWord · 22/02/2023 19:40

MissAmbrosia · 22/02/2023 19:28

Why are you even thinking of making her choose? My dad moved to the countryside when I was about 13. I had little desire to go as I wanted to go out with my friends.

I specifically said we won't leave when she is young so as not to make her choose. As I said I was abandoned by a parent. Read properly before saying nasty things.

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AccidentallyRunToWindsor · 22/02/2023 19:40

I wouldn't until the DSC were able to get to a new house themselves, or accept that I would be spending 50% of my time doing a lot of driving and ferrying them back and forth and to meet friends.

It sucks, but that's part of the issue with step parenting, you're not going to have as much choice on these things

Cottagecheeseisnotcheese · 22/02/2023 19:42

not until she has finished school,

Original poster

HerbWord · 22/02/2023 19:42

I guess what I am basically asking is when is someone an independant adult who no longer needs both parents in the same place?

OP posts:

Rtmhwales · 22/02/2023 19:43

I feel you, I live in a town I hate with a passion because of the DSC. Been here since they were 3 and 5. Ive accepted I'll be here until the youngest is at least 19 and settled at Uni. 13 more years to go..

MintJulia · 22/02/2023 19:44

I was travelling regularly by train when I was 11, and able to navigate major train stations competently by myself at 13.

Think about direct train lines between your dsc's home and wherever you plan to live.

PaigeMatthews · 22/02/2023 19:47

When she moves to uni or moves out to her own place, or can drive and you provide a car.

we are basically stuck living a harder life to be near where SD mum wants to be.
is this true? Did you move to where sd’s mum wants to be? Or where they there already?

Saturdaydreamingway2355555 · 22/02/2023 19:47

We’ve left it until DSS is 20, settled at Uni and he lives in a house share with his girlfriend. We are currently putting the house on market and relocating to the countryside.I would never have lived in the area we are out of choice, had dss lived with us full time we would have moved earlier. But 50/50, which actually was 60/40 with us has meant we’ve put it on hold for years.

Original poster

HerbWord · 22/02/2023 19:48

MintJulia · 22/02/2023 19:44

I was travelling regularly by train when I was 11, and able to navigate major train stations competently by myself at 13.

Think about direct train lines between your dsc's home and wherever you plan to live.

I don't think this is an option as although I think SD would actually love to live out of the city half if the time, my own feelings od abandonment (and SD being not particularly independant) would not make it right to me to move until 'the right time'.

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Gonnagetacatwhenimovein · 22/02/2023 19:51

18 I think is the common age.

Original poster

HerbWord · 22/02/2023 19:53

PaigeMatthews · 22/02/2023 19:47

When she moves to uni or moves out to her own place, or can drive and you provide a car.

we are basically stuck living a harder life to be near where SD mum wants to be.
is this true? Did you move to where sd’s mum wants to be? Or where they there already?

It is quite a complicated situation and don't want to share exactly how it worked out this way, bit SD mum has her own place very cheap in a nicer area with more going on, due to circumstances. DH and I live nearby in a place where it is the only place we can afford to be to be near enough. The full circumstances and reasons why we are unhappy here are quite outing.

OP posts:

Original poster

HerbWord · 22/02/2023 19:58

Gonnagetacatwhenimovein · 22/02/2023 19:51

18 I think is the common age.

My personal feeling was that it would be fairly normal when/if she was living away and independant.

Mum relocated when I was 18 away from my dad who left at an early age, and that was fine, but then I never had a vaguely stable environment or shared contact so it wasn't like breaking up an arrangement that was working.

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AccidentallyRunToWindsor · 22/02/2023 19:59

18 would seem fair I think. That's when she could be headed off to uni etc anyway

dammit88 · 22/02/2023 20:00

I agree with about 18

Letitbebread · 22/02/2023 20:01

Isn’t there somewhere rural that is quite close that you can plan to move to when she is 18. Somewhere on a direct train from where her mum is?

Original poster

HerbWord · 22/02/2023 20:02

Letitbebread · 22/02/2023 20:01

Isn’t there somewhere rural that is quite close that you can plan to move to when she is 18. Somewhere on a direct train from where her mum is?

Yes that would be the long term plan

OP posts:

Zampa · 22/02/2023 20:09

From my experience with my DSD (now 17), realistically, from 14 plus, your DSD is going to want to spend more time with friends rather than parents, so you will all benefit from living closer to her mum (as she can still stay with you without sacrificing her social life).

She'll then be moving into a busy period of exams and will benefit from a steady place to study and dipping in and out of staying at yours when she's not revising or sleeping.

So, I think when she goes to university is the best time tbh. 8 years seems like forever but it will go so quickly

tatteddear · 22/02/2023 20:11

When she is 18 I would think. Or done with full time school which she, and therefore you, are tied to.

We have the opposite situation in that we had relocated to somewhere we don't especially like to live equidistant between my DSS's and my DD's school and their respective other parents.
DSS's mum then decided to move 50 miles away. We have a heck of a commute to pick him and two mid week 100 mile
Round trip school runs.

When my Dd goes to uni in two years we will have to move nearer to DS (he is under 10 so will be tied to his school for longer).

DS's mum has chosen to live somewhere we would never have chosen to live. It's a pretty shit situation to say the least. But we don't want DS to be in a position where he feels like he has to choose, or to have the long commute for longer than he has to, or when he is older to miss out on seeing his friends at weekends. We will go where he is until he turns 18 and then we'll finally be able to live somewhere we actually want to!

CleaningOutMyCloset · 22/02/2023 20:31

In a similar position, my dd is a teenager but I'd still not consider relocating until she's either in uni or moved out

Cornelious2011 · 22/02/2023 20:31

Where is your ideal location in comparison to where you live now?

Original poster

HerbWord · 22/02/2023 20:42

Cornelious2011 · 22/02/2023 20:31

Where is your ideal location in comparison to where you live now?

About 2 hours by train

OP posts:

Snugglemonkey · 22/02/2023 20:58

I think you are doing the right thing waiting until she is at uni.

nailsathome · 22/02/2023 21:08

I'm in the same situation but it's my DD. Would love to move away but her dad is 15mins away at the moment so we'll wait until she's 18 and then reassess. We have younger DCs so may well be here until our youngest is 18 too so they don't have to move away from friends but we'll see.

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