DP adult child problem

[Biscuitfiend1]

Advice needed please.
my DPs adult daughter is, I think, struggling with her dad, our relationship and the blending of our families, I have children too.
she doesn’t live with us but is always asked if she wants to join us when we go out for days and holidays. She often comes but never pays for anything (she works) and often makes snarky comments aimed at her dad and us.
I’m starting to feel really stressed about this as I feel I am trying really hard to get on with her and build a good relationship with her and us. Her dad is soft and won’t confront any disrespect. I get it’s hard for her but would like to think that she could at least try to be civil, or say what she had to say so we can talk it through/help her. am I asking too much?

I don't imagine young adults are much good at family presents

Oh come on.

She’s an only child, not a hermit recently introduced to civilisation and social norms. My young teen DSC are more than willing and able to choose thoughtful gifts as they’ve had it modelled to them. People who’ve an awareness of caring and showing consideration for other people don’t suddenly stop once they hit adulthood.

Thank you @AnneLovesGilbert this is half how I think too. She seems to be very immature for her age and has been most definitely coddled and still is I believe. I maybe do expect too much of her but the way she behaves comes across as spoilt and unkind. I realise she’s had a lot to process and manage with the changes but we’re not bad people and we honestly try so hard to make sure she knows she’s always welcome and included. I always feel so uncomfortable when she is around as it’s like I’m walking on eggshells.

Tell DP he needs to speak privately to his adult daughter and tell her to cut out the snark and rudeness. He needs to do this for the sake of the whole family and maintaining civil relations.

If that doesn't end the snark, then no holds barred; tell her yourself, hard as you like.

Again, this! My children, as young as they are, are very thoughtful. Don’t get me wrong they have their moments, but their hearts are in the right place and they struggle with how she is, I can see it.

Then maybe the pair of you are freeloaders. When are you going to be old enough to pay for yourself? He's your father, not your bank. Try acting like a grown up and pay for yourself instead of just expecting a parent to pay.

You wouldn’t let your kids get away with what she does? Your kids are something like 6 and 9 I think? Obviously you as their mother at that age have huge influence and responsibility over them. Not the same for the 24 yr old SD. Maybe this is where the problem lies.
Another poster just said something along the lines of step back, don’t expect the family to blend totally etc. Do your best on perhaps fewer occasions if you are finding it so stressful.
However I think justifying your opinions by saying your children are hurt and confused by her is a bit over the top isn’t it? Unless her behaviour is worse than eye rolling and not paying her way.

Sorry, I misquoted you, I think you said your children ‘ struggle’ with her behaviour. Still think that’s unlikely if it’s about eye rolling, not paying way and poor choice of gifts. Would a six year old really notice that, or do you just see it as you and your children finding this young adults presence undesirable

so because an adult parent pays for dinner for his adult kids 2/3 times a year we're freeloaders? Be serious, if my dad needed or wanted us to pay we would.

Some families are generous to each other in different ways, no need to be rude.

My sister and I have loved treating our parents for a meal out since we had enough money to do it. It's a wonderful feeling.

Jesus wept op.

I know there's one sm on here but I suspect a few of the spikey comments aren't from any type of step parent. Which might explain things...

Not that I believe anyone can't get the concept of basic kindness.

When did 24 years old become too young for manners and thoughtfulness. We aren't talking about a teen here.

That said I think you need to step back stop trying to include her in everything because frankly if anyones rude to me, I don't pay for the privilege to have it done to me repeatedly. Let dad take control of the relationship with his daughter, sure extend the invite if it suits but don't beg and if eye rolling happens in your direction call it out.

People have to learn that relationships are a two way street and while people keep enabling that it's only one way, you can't expect change.

Also to counter the point I don't doubts been mentioned. Yes DSC didn't chose this, but on the flip side of it you didn't marry her dad to spit her and steal all the resources 🙄

I'm a sp and also a step child and I really can't imagine acting like this at 24 and I'm quite ashamed of how I acted in my teens.
I didn't ask for siblings but lord god can you imagine that being wheeled out ad a excuse for behaving badly at the age of 24 😵‍💫

Presumably you don't spend your time with your Dad rolling your eyes at him and making mean comments though?

Treating your adult child is lovely. Continuing to treat someone who's not just ungrateful but actively rude to you is being a massive mug!

I can understand why it grates OP. Watching someone let people take the piss out of them is really frustrating.

I never let my step son pay if we are out. He's 24. With his own child.

But, I'm very lucky he's kind and he appreciates us with just the way he is with us as a family and his step sister.

I have 2 step children OP, 19 (M) and 22 F). Been with DH for 9 years.

DSD (22) thinks the world owes her a Kardashian lifestyle on a 15 hour week. DSS is a hardworking smiler who is the most grateful young man in the world if I buy him his favourite bottle of Pop on a Friday night and offer to help him cook something he's never been able to on a Saturday night. (He just likes spending time with us)

Gen Z women (in my experience) are a very different breed and she's needed very careful handling over the years. The divorce from her mum was amicable by any normal standards but she speaks to her dad in a way that I have to leave the room when she's on the phone to him. As a result (and for more extreme reasons)he has his relationship outside of our home with her.

DSS comes one 1 Uk holiday with us every year and our rule is that we pay for his accommodation but it's not a free pass, you get a takeaway one night and maybe buy the beers that you want to drink. He's totally cool with that: in the absence of him coming on our adult holiday ( I don't have any kids) we've given him a £500 kitty to organise his own holiday with his mates this year and he's over the moon with that. That's separated the jealousy aspect of him not being invited to everything and probably saved us a fortune.

Unfortunately the female gender is a big issue but also your DH does need to start getting on board with the strategic thinking of how you can tackle this as a team and not have this problem in 5 years time. Us helping DSS to not have FOMO but also not giving him a totally free pass has helped us a lot in that respect. Ultimately you do need to try and get your DH to understand that it drives a wedge between you both though. The last 3 holidays we had with my Step daughter returned me more stressed than when I went away so I sympathise with you

Maybe it’s worth the three of you having a grown up conversation about how you want her included but at 24 you don’t expect constant digs and disrespect. Maybe spending less time together would be a good idea.

I think some people are absolutely shit at presents and that’s something you have to accept and move on from. I put way more effort into peoples presents than other people because I enjoy it.

Thank you. Your part about basic kindness is I suppose what I’m trying to get at. If she has a problem with her dad/us I’d rather she just say it, but I suspect it’s her trying to deal with all the change and not having her Dad completely to herself anymore. I know that’s hard and I do sympathise but that isn’t my or my kids’ fault. She really does act like a teenager and I often wonder if, in a few time, she might regret that. Like you said, I definitely regret the way I behaved when I was a teen, but I certainly didn’t behave like a teen in my 20s!

And I'm sure you'll both pay to put both your kids through uni too. You're being unfair about the financial side of things.

I don’t begrudge putting her through uni.

OP I do think you need to entirely let go of the her paying and buying thoughtful gifts ideas. These are just one way families can do things and perhaps not the way from the family she came from. You seeing these are problematic may ne influencing the interactions in really unhelpful ways. You could try re-wording things more explicitly, e.g. if she says something PA to her dad, you could say "it sounds like you're really upset about ......". But really, this is for her dad to do. I think you should be respectful yourself and if the relationship develops, all good. You can't force it though and sometimes attempts to do so make things worse.

Yes very much so. Do remember this is a forum for advice on issues that aren’t necessarily as big or problematic as they may sound on here. Life is complicated at times, people make mistakes and aren’t perfect, it doesn’t mean they’re bad people or that relationships need to end. We are all happy but these are issues that happen, even to the ‘best’ families.

Thanks for your advice 🙂