DP adult child problem

[Biscuitfiend1]

Advice needed please.
my DPs adult daughter is, I think, struggling with her dad, our relationship and the blending of our families, I have children too.
she doesn’t live with us but is always asked if she wants to join us when we go out for days and holidays. She often comes but never pays for anything (she works) and often makes snarky comments aimed at her dad and us.
I’m starting to feel really stressed about this as I feel I am trying really hard to get on with her and build a good relationship with her and us. Her dad is soft and won’t confront any disrespect. I get it’s hard for her but would like to think that she could at least try to be civil, or say what she had to say so we can talk it through/help her. am I asking too much?

We do pay.
I don’t expect her to
do so, I just want her to feel included.

I think it's fairly normal that you pay for her and a bit odd that you are annoyed about it

You clearly are bothered about paying for her or you wouldn't have mentioned it

Ooh dear s lot of the responses on this thread seem to be very spikey. I think it’s a tricky situation for you OP. It’s not fun to feel disrespected and it’s not fun to feel like you are making much more effort than she is. However really it is on you to put the effort in to build a relationship with this young adult, if you want to achieve this. At the end of the day she didn’t have any say in her dad getting together with you. It sounds as if you are doing a lot of the right things so don’t lose patience. I think you may also be expecting a bit too much from this young adult. It often seems to me that people nowadays just are not as mature at 24 as they used to be. Hence the birthday gifts being disappointing to you. Here you could gently snd in plenty of time make appropriate suggestions to her by text, as an option!! You can take the high road here and continue to be generous with your time and invites, and it would be worth it if eventually you two and her dad and all the family children have a positive relationship. This young adult is not the only one who fails to put her cup in the sink. Also try asking happily ‘ can you just go collect the used mugs angel? ‘

We frequently treat our children and they are a good 10 years older than your boyfriend's daughter. One day soon we won't be able to (retirement) and it will be reduced considerably or they will have to treat us. In the meantime it's not that unusual.

Does she get to spend time with just your DP?

I think most 24yo people probably lack patience with children. She shouldn't be expected to treat them like siblings regarding Christmas and birthday presents.

I think as long as she is civil with you and your DC that's fine.

It's very difficult for a teenager to suddenly have a new younger family be thrust upon them. I wouldn't expect her to be overly jolly about it.

I'm getting the impression that she doesn't spend much or any time with her father, just the two of them. Is that right?

Does she ever spend time with her dad? Or do you always tag along?

Thank you for this. It is pretty much what I think, but it does hurt sometimes to have to watch my kids try and make sense of the fact that she attacks her dad. It must be so hard for her and maybe I do expect too much, it just feels like she’s making a point in a passive aggressive way, sometimes toward us, rather than just saying what she wants to say. I know I/we have been thrust upon her but we’re not really the ones she’s angry at, at least I don’t think that we are. It’s so hard trying to navigate it as she does make herself look spoilt and entitled sometimes, however that’s probably me thinking about how I was and what I had at her age. I also think I deserve some respect, I’m certainly always polite, loving and inclusive toward her. I ask my children to clear up after themselves so I would expect her to do the same not get an eye roll. I don’t really ask for much. I have encouraged DP and her to spend time alone and they do. I don’t think she hates her dad. I just feel like we’re trying our hardest and we’re damned whatever we do.

How much did Dad see her /take her away before you two got together. If he was a half arsed Dad then alot of this will be jealousy of what she sees she missed out on.

Seeing Dad move on and have a new life doing things she wanted as a child would be v v hard.

He was very heavily involved so there will be grief there I’m sure. It’s hard balancing the fact that she’s an adult and would therefore be living her own life and wanting her to feel included. We’re damned if we include and damned if we don’t. It’s very hard as I want everyone to feel
at ease and enjoy themselves but she often changes the dynamic.

He still is way more heavily involved than my dad was when I was that age.

I think that's possible but it's also possible it's the other way around and he was a great dad and now focused on his step daughters rather than her.

I really think just stepping back a bit, OP, is the answer and also just accepting that she may never be thrilled about you and your kids. That's not unreasonable - lots of young adults wouldn't love their parent moving on and spending his time and resources on someone else's kids now. Hopefully you can get to a place where she at least is more polite.

Thank you for your advice @Everydayitsgettingcloser i think you’ve hit the nail on the head!

Stop trying so hard is all I can say. I was a late teen and then adult watching this happen to my dad. It may be unfair but it feels like replacement - like some other kids are getting what you should've had (dad at home raising you).

You can't force the relationship. So stop trying so hard. She'll probably just see your efforts as fake anyway.

She won't talk through it with you. Maybe ever. So don't hope for that.

And at 28 I am much nicer and more polite to my steps. It takes a long time and greater maturity and distance to realise they're just people too.

She might get there but she might not.

Thank you, that’s really insightful and makes a lot of sense. I’ll back off and continue to bite my tongue.

I'm much older can 24 and i don't spend any money when i go out with my dad. Not Unless i've taken him out for it or its his birthday or other occasions.

He's my dad why would i, neither does my brother.

I really feel for you. You just want to have a nice relationship with her. You seem to be really trying but feel like you're getting nowhere. It's so draining putting effort into a relationship and getting nothing back. She's an adult and whilst she might be young and immature, you're still having an adult relationship with her.

I agree you need to try and step bank a bit for the sake of your mental health. You can't make anyone like you, unfortunately.

Don't feel you have to take everything sitting down. Just consider if it's worth a screaming row or her refusing to see her dad ( I did both).

Therapy has helped me see my steps as normal people and not replacements or malicious entities or even simply obstacles. I happily go on hikes, shopping trips and tbh would even go on a night out with my step mum now. We've drank far too much whiskey into the small hours in recent years 😂

Try and let the small stuff run off your back if you can. Do stand up for your kids if she's rude or nasty to them though. They didn't ask for that.

She doesn’t spend any money when she goes out with us. She doesn’t spend any money when with us, ever. We pay for everything, including holidays for her. She’ll buy us some biscuits at Christmas. I don’t expect her to pay for herself, what I’m saying is it seems like she doesn’t want to ever offer to buy a drink as a gesture or buy a meaningful gift for Christmas, doesn’t have to be expensive. It’s not really about the money, it’s the gesture of thought/kindness if that makes sense?

That’s lovely, I’m so glad you have that kind of relationship with your steps now. I really do try and have done, but it can be hard seeing how she behaves sometimes and knowing we’re not bad people and are trying so hard. I wouldn’t let my kids get away with what she does, but that’s my DPs battle I suppose.

I als think you have done more than enough and need to stop trying to blend your family. Most 24 yo olds see their parent 6 ish times a year, many adults living in different cities, even less than that.- Christmas, someone’s birthday, fathers day.

With respect, the difference in ages is too large to really blend. Don’t routinely invite her all the time, Invite her to only the big family occasions. Send dad off with her for ‘them’ time. This takes the anxiety away from you. Perhaps she has always treated dad like this - leave them to it.

I think you might probably be expecting too much just yet. she'll figure it out I don't imagine young adults are much good at family presents and as she's been an only child she's probably never had to do it before.

its really weird being an young adult stepchild i think you can regress a little bit sometimes. Theres a whole new family, that your not ever really part of, just an additional outside piece. Always feels as if you're 'visiting'

A lot of the replies would be appropriate if she was 17 or 18. She’s 24 ffs. She’s a grown woman eye rolling about very basic expectations like clearing away her own bloody cup. Pathetic. I’m a step child and a step mum fwiw.

Is he the one inviting her on days out and holidays or is it you doing most or all of it to try and bend over backwards to include her?

She could easily be a mum herself, she’s behaving like an absolute brat.