DP adult child problem

[Biscuitfiend1]

Advice needed please.
my DPs adult daughter is, I think, struggling with her dad, our relationship and the blending of our families, I have children too.
she doesn’t live with us but is always asked if she wants to join us when we go out for days and holidays. She often comes but never pays for anything (she works) and often makes snarky comments aimed at her dad and us.
I’m starting to feel really stressed about this as I feel I am trying really hard to get on with her and build a good relationship with her and us. Her dad is soft and won’t confront any disrespect. I get it’s hard for her but would like to think that she could at least try to be civil, or say what she had to say so we can talk it through/help her. am I asking too much?

10 and 12

Yes I have said that and they do sometimes do things alone.

Yes there is, but that’s not the issue.

She just sounds a little immature. If you weren't raised like that, it can take a while for it to PING that you need to pay your way and help out around the house.
Still, 24 is a little old to be invited on every holiday and day out, surely? Can't you do family dinners once in a while instead and she can go get shit faced in Greece with her mates according to 20 something custom?

We also spend a lot of money on his daughter too and I work.

Sounds like you’re making most of the effort here, OP. I’d pause the invitations for days out and encourage your DH to see her regularly 1:1. Throw in a few invitations to a roast dinner altogether, but move the focus to her getting quality time with her Dad.

Why do you spend a lot of money on her?

I’m not up in arms about it. I think you’ve missed my point.

why shouldn't your boyfriend spend money on his daughter?

We paid to put her through university.

He does, that’s not what I’m saying.

i have saved for them and so has their dad, but again, that is not the point I’m making. I think we’ll leave it there. Thanks for contributing.

Have you thought about it from her point of view? She was 19, presumably in Uni when you two got together. 2 children brought into her life also with no thought of how she would feel.

I absolutely have.

If you're inviting a young adult child to something, I think it's reasonable/normal that you pay. I think it's pretty cheeky that you think it's family money when it's your kids but unfair when it's his.

I bet the days out/holidays are tailored to suit your kids as well.

I understand being annoyed by the attitude/disrespect - my view would be that you stop doing stuff all of you together, I don't think it's reasonable to expect a 24 year old to want to hang around with much younger step siblings she didn't grow up with. Your DH should do more with her separately