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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Over-involvement, WWYD,,

47 replies

fastgin · 22/01/2023 08:40

Ex has form for introducing his GFs to our kids (now older teens) way too quickly.

He knows my views on this because he he's asked (and then ignored my opinion, which has been based on how the kids tell me they feel, not on my oersonal opinion).

Latest GF he moved in with 4 months after meeting her. As the kids stay with him 1 night a week, they have to now stay at her house. They found this a bit awkward at the beginning as they had hardly met her, but have got used to it

The issue is, they are getting fed up with her being too involved and they feel she is interfering in their lives too much.

I get it that from her PoV, these kids live in her house one night a week, so she probably feels she has a say in whatever is being discussed. But they don't see it like that.

Ex and I don't have a good relationship and he has form for not making the kids a priority. He won't want to rock the boat as he has it quite cushy, living rent free.

Any advice welcome. I want them to have a good relationship with their Dad. He has been a shit Dad at times, but he is the only one they've got!

OP posts:
Toooldtoworry · 22/01/2023 08:42

Too involved in what way?

Tbh as teens mine voted with their feet and stopped going in similar circumstances.

Original poster
fastgin · 22/01/2023 08:46

Sorry, should have been clearer.

In any discussion, it seems they don't get to see him or spend time with him, without her there.

From her PoV, I get that - it is her house, after all...

OP posts:
LuciferRising · 22/01/2023 08:50

Is you ex sidelining his parenting duties and thrusting them onto her? He is the issue. Not her. Can you open lines of communication with her?

Notanotherone5 · 22/01/2023 08:53

To be honest, if the kids are older teens then surely they can arrange to do things out of house with just the dad? Meal / cinema / sports event. They are also more than old enough to stop going if they don’t want to

yousmellnice · 22/01/2023 08:56

Not a lot you can do.

Toooldtoworry · 22/01/2023 09:02

Tbh this all sounds like an ex problem not a exes new girlfriend problem.

She might just be trying to get to know them and be finding it just as awkward.

Berthatydfil · 22/01/2023 09:02

Hes a shit dad and cant even put his children first one night a week.
Fairplay though hes got cocklodging off to a fine art if shes accomodating him ft and the dc one night a week rent free.

You cant do anything to make him prioritise them once a week or make him a better parent. All you can do is listen to them if they are upset about it and support them, but dont get involved.

If they are teens then can they start voting with their feet and stop going to see him /stay overnight? I wouldnt blame them if they did.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/01/2023 09:06

What is it you want to do? He doesn’t sound the type to listen, you don’t get on and she’s putting a roof over his head.

Given their ages, if they no longer want to stay over they can tell him that. If they do buy are unhappy with how things are they can also tell him that.

GoodChat · 22/01/2023 09:08

If they can tell you they're not happy can they not tell him they'd like to spend time with him alone?

MyBloodyMaryneedsmoreTabasco · 22/01/2023 09:10

My ex did this a lot. DD just didn't see him while those types were on the scene. And I did actually see it as both of them being the issue, because what right minded woman shacks up with someone in those circumstances, so she's clearly a twat too.

Laurdo · 22/01/2023 09:23

Not alot you can do. You can't control how he choices to parent, who he introduces to them or how other people act.

You also shouldn't care more than he does about him being a good dad. Just you do you and leave him to it. If he's a shit dad, that's down to him to sort not you. Your kids are old enough to decide if they want to spend time with him. If him prioritising his GFs over his kids ruins his relationship with his kids then so be it. It's a shame but that's totally on him.

Original poster
fastgin · 22/01/2023 10:26

Some really useful advice, thank you, and some points to ponder.

Mmm I think younger one might tell him what she thinks. Older one definitely not.

I don't blame the GF at all, I do actually worry for her as I know what he is like. (He is a bully). She has actually lasted much longer than the others.

I think I will sit down either both kids and ask them how they are feeling about this now. As you all say, they are old enough to decide what they do.

Thank you.

OP posts:
hourbyhour101 · 22/01/2023 13:44

This thread makes me despair it really does.

How can a dad who's got form to be a shit dad historically, act like a shit dad again and it be the womens fault 😵‍💫

I know it's easier to blame the gf, but fuck me if you know he's a bully and a general knob, why is him doing what he's always done (aka not parenting or spending time with the kids) a shock.

One night a week isn't a lot and I'm guessing the sm mear presence in the home isn't stopping him having one on one time with the kids... or is there a expectation she leaves her own house so dads forced to engage with his children ...

I would be talking to the kids and say it's the parents role and responsibility to engage with their children and they should be able to do that without a handy uterus to blame when they are being lazy. A fairly good one to hammer in if you have a daughter or she may end up also taking blame where she shouldn't.

SocialLite · 22/01/2023 15:03

fastgin · 22/01/2023 08:46

Sorry, should have been clearer.

In any discussion, it seems they don't get to see him or spend time with him, without her there.

From her PoV, I get that - it is her house, after all...

I don't understand how just being there is too much involvement. If she were caring for them and he's not there, I can see the issue.

Original poster
fastgin · 22/01/2023 15:13

By "too much involvement" I mean when they are talking about whatever- conversations that really at the moment are for the kids and their Dad, the GF joins in. I know my eldest in particular finds it difficult and resents the GF speaking to her as a parent would.

I don't blame the GF one jot, and I doubt she means to annoy them, but they are annoyed by her "interfering" (their words) but as it is her house, they find the whole situation awkward.

Reading back over these responses, I think I will keep my beak out of it, but talk with the kids and suggest they could see their Dad out of the house more.

OP posts:
NewNameNigel · 22/01/2023 15:40

@fastgin I'd like to show this to the "treat them as your own" brigade!

I think you should be telling your teenagers that as their dad has decided to move into her house and she has a right to be there and say what she likes. As they are older teens can they not suggest to their dad that he takes them out for dinner or something? I think it's important that they learn to advocate for their own needs here rather than complaining to you about it.

onyttig · 22/01/2023 16:38

Are you expecting her to vacate her own house because your children don’t want her to be there? And she’s in the wrong for participating in conversations that happen in her own house?

I mean, she’ll never win with you or your children. You’re all framing her as the problem.

hourbyhour101 · 22/01/2023 16:49

@fastgin you know if she's joining in convo in her own house and your children don't like it, I think you may have bigger issues.

They feel awkward because it's awkward to be hostile to someone in their own home for that persons crime to be talking and existing.

The person they should be cross at should be their dad. That said they probably also shouldn't be surprised. I say this with all kindness but my dearest friend now as a adult hates all the people who allowed her to be hideous to step mum, and not calling out her dads actions. Because shock horror when sm left, guess who got blamed for the children not having a close relationship with dad (hint it wasn't him).

Everyone had got so used to not pointing out the glaring waste of space dad (mum included) the kids took the blame into their adulthood.
She's spent a lot of money unpicking this in therapy.
My friends dad was a shit dad and low and behold remains one even now.

What I'm saying is careful when you teach children it's ok to spacegoat their emotions on to the wrong person... it can come back to bite you. Hard.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 22/01/2023 16:52

So she is making an effort to chat to dc in her own home?
Shocking behaviour..

EL8888 · 22/01/2023 17:08

Eastereggsboxedupready · 22/01/2023 16:52

So she is making an effort to chat to dc in her own home?
Shocking behaviour..

Totally. Shouldn’t she be ignoring them or leaving the house when they’re there?!

Back in the real world -it’s her house. I wouldn’t be leaving my house or being mute in it -it’s my house! Mind you l wouldn’t be moving in a boyfriends children full stop. I struggle to think of much worse

I think the wrong person is being blamed for this. I appreciate your ex is living with his girlfriend but no one made him do that. It does sound like class cock lodgering to be honest

yousmellnice · 22/01/2023 17:45

fastgin · 22/01/2023 15:13

By "too much involvement" I mean when they are talking about whatever- conversations that really at the moment are for the kids and their Dad, the GF joins in. I know my eldest in particular finds it difficult and resents the GF speaking to her as a parent would.

I don't blame the GF one jot, and I doubt she means to annoy them, but they are annoyed by her "interfering" (their words) but as it is her house, they find the whole situation awkward.

Reading back over these responses, I think I will keep my beak out of it, but talk with the kids and suggest they could see their Dad out of the house more.

So she's talking to them. Would they rather she ignored them. I feel sorry for her. Your kids should be able to ask dad if they could go out the three of them or you could ask if that's what they want. She's done nothing wrong.

thestepmumspacepodcast · 22/01/2023 18:11

If they want time alone with their Dad then they could talk to him and he could take them out to do a hobby/bowling/walk/cinema....

As others have said you can't expect her to leave her home but I understand the kids want time with just their Dad, particularly as it's all been so fast.

Sadly it sounds like your Ex is the issue, not his GF.

Do the kids feel able to talk to their dad?

TellMeWhere · 22/01/2023 18:18

This is not her fault. At all. If she didn't talk to your kids, they'd probably complain about being ignored. They're deflecting their annoyance at their father onto the easiest target.

NewNameNigel · 22/01/2023 18:41

MyBloodyMaryneedsmoreTabasco · 22/01/2023 09:10

My ex did this a lot. DD just didn't see him while those types were on the scene. And I did actually see it as both of them being the issue, because what right minded woman shacks up with someone in those circumstances, so she's clearly a twat too.

You choose to have kids with the guy @MyBloodyMaryneedsmoreTabasco so what does that make you?

amiold · 22/01/2023 18:58

So what's the issue? Dads partner joins in with discussions in her own house and kids think only them and dad should talk?