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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Over-involvement, WWYD,,

47 replies

fastgin · 22/01/2023 08:40

Ex has form for introducing his GFs to our kids (now older teens) way too quickly.

He knows my views on this because he he's asked (and then ignored my opinion, which has been based on how the kids tell me they feel, not on my oersonal opinion).

Latest GF he moved in with 4 months after meeting her. As the kids stay with him 1 night a week, they have to now stay at her house. They found this a bit awkward at the beginning as they had hardly met her, but have got used to it

The issue is, they are getting fed up with her being too involved and they feel she is interfering in their lives too much.

I get it that from her PoV, these kids live in her house one night a week, so she probably feels she has a say in whatever is being discussed. But they don't see it like that.

Ex and I don't have a good relationship and he has form for not making the kids a priority. He won't want to rock the boat as he has it quite cushy, living rent free.

Any advice welcome. I want them to have a good relationship with their Dad. He has been a shit Dad at times, but he is the only one they've got!

OP posts:

onyttig · 22/01/2023 19:05

amiold · 22/01/2023 18:58

So what's the issue? Dads partner joins in with discussions in her own house and kids think only them and dad should talk?

Apparently it’s overstepping to be present or involved in conversations in your own house.

the SM existing seems to be the problem here. And she must be blamed because ‘he’s the only father they’ve got’.

hourbyhour101 · 22/01/2023 19:07

amiold · 22/01/2023 18:58

So what's the issue? Dads partner joins in with discussions in her own house and kids think only them and dad should talk?

It would appear based on some of the comments (not op thankfully) they aren't the only ones who think this.

That said if the children don't feel they can tell their dad how they are feeling, I can understand them by proxy blaming sm.

The sad fact is sm or sm the communication issues with dad will remain unless challenged. And by challenged I don't mean sm has to be silent in her own home.

Original poster

fastgin · 22/01/2023 19:45

I should clarify - of course she should join in discussions. It is her house. I certainly don't expect her to leave her own house when they are there!

What the kids have issue with is the level of involvement and they feel she is speaking as if she is their parent.

I really don't have an issue with the GF. I realise it is Ex who is the issue. I can't see him changing though.

Lots of food for thought, thank you.

OP posts:

NewNameNigel · 22/01/2023 19:51

fastgin · 22/01/2023 19:45

I should clarify - of course she should join in discussions. It is her house. I certainly don't expect her to leave her own house when they are there!

What the kids have issue with is the level of involvement and they feel she is speaking as if she is their parent.

I really don't have an issue with the GF. I realise it is Ex who is the issue. I can't see him changing though.

Lots of food for thought, thank you.

@fastgin I know you don't expect her to leave her own home but what are you children's expectations of her? Have they given you any examples of her acting like their parent?

Original poster

fastgin · 22/01/2023 19:55

Yes, they have , and I think they are right and she is overstepping.

But I also appreciate that it must be enormously difficult to have two teens you hardly know, suddenly in your life (albeit part time).

I have never been a step parent, and as I have decided Never Again, I won't be one. But I recognise it is not an easy role to take on.

OP posts:

NewNameNigel · 22/01/2023 19:57

Does she have her own children?

Original poster

fastgin · 22/01/2023 20:03

She has adult children.

OP posts:

hourbyhour101 · 22/01/2023 20:12

@fastgin ok can you give examples of the overstepping?

thestepmumspacepodcast · 22/01/2023 20:15

Hey OP, what exactly is she saying? Things like "I think it's a good idea to do a language for GCSE if you can" or "wow, you really shouldn't be dating at your age"

The former = being engaged in conversation
The latter = possibly over-stepping the mark

Original poster

fastgin · 22/01/2023 21:17

I don't want to give actual examples on here but yes, it's more the latter.

OP posts:

LookyEre · 22/01/2023 22:25

What the kids have issue with is the level of involvement and they feel she is speaking as if she is their parent

I think the problem here is that they live in her house so yes she's going to feel able to "parent" children that live in her house and frankly I don't blame her. I wouldn't be wanting any child to live in my house if I felt like I couldn't tell them to clear up after themselves or stop arguing or whatever.

The kids should be mad at their dad. He's the one who's put them (and probably his gf too) in an awkward position by moving them into her home. Whilst they are in her home she has every right to be there, talk and yes even talk to them in a "parent" style way.

If they feel like they don't want to go there then don't force it. He can take them out somewhere instead. Can you speak to him and suggest this?

hourbyhour101 · 22/01/2023 22:48

The problem with ineffective parents (such as your ex) is they don't parent so the children become on equal footing to adults. The conversation is more adult to adult with one of the parties literally not being a actual adult but teens being teens their brains haven't fully developed. It's like they have can see but their depth perception is off. They can't see the situation with that adult lens.

Then in comes another adult who treats them like teens/ not fully fledged adults and the kids push back because before this other adult, they were treated in their teen eyes more favourable like adults. But with maturity comes wisdom and the perspective shifts, looking back when they are older they might feel very sad this happened.

Teens aren't actually adults and shouldn't have that responsibility put on them. They need appropriate boundaries. If they aren't being taught that from dad then anyone with appropriate boundaries will become the enemy.

I realise as a mum this isn't what you want to hear. I think if your ex is like this, there's a kinda what can I do thought process. And I get that and I sympathise but thing is there is something you can do.

You can show them the right way, who is responsible for them being unhappy (without slagging the ex off) by teaching them to use their anger to communicate with their dad about whatever they want.

Take sm literally out of the equation as really it's a red herring. I say this nicely she's kinda surplus to requirements and probably will become interchangeable stream of women . If you want your kids to be happy get them to see the picture as it is, rather than what they want to see (which helpfully gets them out of talking with dad about the issues they are facing).

Or ignore it but idk, I know what I would do if this was my ex and my Dd sm.

Anuta77 · 23/01/2023 05:35

I understand your kids, especially if its not the first GF, but many women dont know what to do with partners kids and shes probably trying to bond with them. I was doing the same, looking back I would have taken a step back, but I didnt know any better. She might be just a sociable type, but if your girls are teenagers or preteens, they might resent any woman really.
So maybe you could explain it to your kids and maybe if they see it from her point of view, they might not be as bothered. If she stays and overally you see that shes trying to be good to your kids, you might want to establish communication with her as well. With a sh*t dad, it could be more useful.

hryllilegur · 23/01/2023 05:40

I wonder if part of the problem isn’t an ‘over-involvement’ in which the OP’s deep interest in the minutiae of conversations at dad’s (and willingness to blame the new SM the children don’t want) is a big part of the problem.

It’s possible to support your children while maintaining boundaries around the children not using you to offload (and magnify) gripes about what happens at dad’s.

thestepmumspacepodcast · 23/01/2023 12:44

hryllilegur · 23/01/2023 05:40

It’s possible to support your children while maintaining boundaries around the children not using you to offload (and magnify) gripes about what happens at dad’s.

I wondered this too.

OP seems to have taken on board the advice though so hopefully @hourbyhour101 's advice will be taken. It's good!

Original poster

fastgin · 23/01/2023 19:22

I dont have any deep interest in the minutiae of their conversations. I have no idea what the kids normally talk about, or do, when they stay with their Dad.

This came about because older teen complained to me about some specific occasions and the examples she gave me, I did feel she had a point.

I don't blame the GF - at all. I have already said so. It is her house. She has taken on a difficult situation. (And being very selfish, she has done me a favour getting him off my back.... When he has a GF I hardly hear from him. As soon as he is single he is on my case A Lot).

I do blame Ex.

I have already asked him if he can try to spend more time with the kids, he didn't see any problem when I asked him before. I can try again but he never sees any issue with anything he does, so I won't hold my breath!

I am not sure what else to do apart from encourage the kids to get their Dad to take them out somewhere - even a walk so they do get a bit more time with just him.

Writing this out has been really helpful to get some clarity - and I really do appreciate every response. Thank you.

OP posts:

hourbyhour101 · 24/01/2023 13:26

@fastgin sorry op if I have come across like you don't blame the ex or are blaming the sm (can we call her that ? 😵‍💫 I don't know by mn standards). I digress ...

I think the problem is actually the kids are blaming sm for a fault that lies with dad. I don't think you can prompted a shit dad to be any less shit. What I'm saying is that the kids are ticked off (rightly so?) but what isn't right that anger isn't at dad. And that's the conversation you will have to have with them at some point.

Because I don't doubt he will let them down again. It's about being honest about him with the children to set expectations of dad. And gently letting them know who is and isn't accountable for their upset. Rather them letting dad fall from a high pedestal in which years worth of their emotional labour has been tied in, blaming others when really it was him all along.

Anyway I hope you find peace and the kids are ok in the end. Aren't teenagers lots of fun 😵‍💫💐

Original poster

fastgin · 24/01/2023 19:38

@hourbyhour101

ISWYM and that's a really good point, thank you
I do think you are right.

I have been so uber careful to bite my tongue and not say what I think about their Dad.
I know he has said some nasty things to them about me and it was horrible for them, so I have kept my thoughts about him to myself.
I have provably been way too careful!

Time for a more robust/honest discussion.

Thank you.

OP posts:

Toooldtoworry · 25/01/2023 06:52

@fastgin hourbyhour101 has made a good point actually. At one point my son went to live with his Dad because I'd kept my mouth shut about his shortcomings. He came back loathing his Dad (he witnessed dv at his Dad's hands) and six years later he still has nothing to do with him.

Mumski45 · 25/01/2023 07:29

In your OP you say you want them to have a good relationship with their Dad. Whilst you may want this you can't make him be a good Dad and presumably there are good reasons why you split up in the first place.

It's not your responsibility to make a good relationship beyond facilitating visits if they want them. If they decide they don't then it is him that has allowed the relationship to deteriorate not you.

Mari9999 · 28/01/2023 19:58

It is not over stepping to be involved in discussions that relate to activities that take place in her home. But not every conversation that takes place in her home is about her hole. She should know and respect the difference.

hryllilegur · 28/01/2023 21:26

is she only allowed to talk about her home? She must know when to stay silent while other people have conversations around her?

It’s bloody rude to exclude someone present from a conversation. Especially in their own house. Whether it’s about an activity in her home or about italian cheese production.

The children would do well to learn that, if you don’t want someone to be involved in a conversation about something, you don’t have that conversation while they are present. If their dad isn’t spending any time with them where his gf isn’t present, then he’s being a shit father.

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