step parenting when natural mother has died

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I am step mother to 2 daughters who I have cared for since shortly after their mother died when they were 5 and 7. They are now 13 and 15 and I have two other little ones now. I was wondering if there was anyone else in this sort of situation because it's very different to step parenting when both natural parents are alive and around. We are all happy and they call me Mummy but I can't pretend it has been a walk in the park and still find it a challenge sometimes. Also I think sometimes you think a situation is the way it is because I am a step mother whereas perhaps all mothers have similar stresses with their teenage daughters? Any one out there?

My friend was a step-daughter where her mum had died at an early age and father had re-married. I remember her being really happy and her (step)mum was just like all the rest of our mums (grew up together). Not quite what you needed or wanted to hear I know, but thought I'd stick my pennies worth in...

I grew up in this situation, brought up by dad and step-mum from age of 5. I think you are probably right, most of the tricky teenage stuff is nothing to do with you not being their natural mother, it's just teenage stuff. BUt harder not to take personally I imagine.

I was a bit of a horror to my (step) mum at that age, but we get on great, she was there at DS's birth and generally is everything a mum should be.

You are right it's very different to step-parenting where natural parents are around complicating things, and although obviously it's not a situation I would have chosen to grow up in, I think the fact that there were less complications made the family gel better and we were and are all very close and loyal.

I'm sure you're doing a fantastic job.

I think that step-children just have one more arrow in their armoury than 'natural' children do. The 'But your not my REAL mother/father'. It is a very potent arrow and can cause you to have doubts about your parenting skills.

HI O M G !!!!!! i am 24yrs old my husband is 37 , M SD is 15 and we have three other children 5,3,1.My hubby been alone with her for 10yr before i came along it has been relly hard but after nearlly 6yrs we have learnd to work together and stick together ! It is easyer said than done but trust me!Good luck keep smiling!!

This is me! I am getting married to a lovely man with a little girl of 9. We have been together for 2 years and her mum died over 3 years ago. It's hard sometimes and I'm not sure if that is parenting, or step-parenting.

hi i sort of feel the same ive known my sd since she was 10 she is 16 know and i do everything her mum would have done and more from what her eldest sister says but i never got eny thanks and things are always my fault i just try and keep smiling !When do you get married ? Do you have children of uer own ?

We get married in June and are expecting our first child together in April. DSD is really excited about it but I think feeling quite insecure, as her behaviour has become quite regressive and clingy, swinging between her Dad and me. I find it hard to react in the most appropriate way sometimes, though I keep trying. Her Mum is obviously a saint, and sometimes I feel that I just am the day to day naggy person. Am probably sounding negative because we had a crap day yesterday - she had been at a sleepover so was really tired and whiny all day, and particularly babyish and clingy to her Dad. I try not to react but in my heart of hearts I feel hurt and pushed out when it's like that. I know it's unreasonable and irrational, and I don't act on it, but it is hard when you don't have the same bond with a child as their natural parent to keep going all smily when you ain't feeling the love so much!

Trust me sweetie im so paraniod that somtimes i swear my dh and sd are plotting against me sometimes ! but he asures me he isnt !!I have found its best to give them there time to go have a shower or go to the shop and get a nice bottle of wine for when the kids are inbed but most of all dont hide ure fellings they just hurt you even more or will just b made worse next time somthing small happens !Im not saying go mad every time they laugh together but if u feeling low let him know . do u get to go out and spend time alone together ? Iknow that we been a lot better wen we spend time together

You don't know how good it is to hear that! I sometimes think I must be the crappest parent in the world. We do try to get time together but she is extra-clingy at momment so even if DP gives me a hug, she'll be there with 'Metoometoometoo!' and trying to get in the middle. And since DP doesn't say anything to that I don't either. I did say the other day 'Look honey, we love you loads and you are so important to us, but we are allowed to have a cuddle together. You and Daddy have cuddles, me and you have cuddles, and me and Daddy are allowed in the same way, it doesn't mean we don't love you and you aren't really important to us' etc But DP didn't back up so I was left feeling that had said the wrong thing (again).

It's hard work isn't it? When the other parent has died you do, to a certain extent, take their place as the main famale figure in life, and is hard to adjust sometimes.

I know why is that? i meen ido everything in the house dont gt me wrong my dh works hard long days yet i feel that i cant say or do enything in my own house sometimes incase i get it wrong .A lot of my friends dont envy me , infact most have said they would have left by now! But in my case my sd will be leaving in the next 3 yrs and then i think why should the other kids only get a weekend dad ! Cause thats not fair either right .

No it's not. I worry a little bit that am going to be jealous of his attention for the baby too, IYKWIM - he is very protective of her because of what she went through when her Mum died, which is entirely understandable and good, but I do worry he's not going to be as much for the new baby.

It's all very irrational and silly but I can't help fretting. Usually we don't have many problems, it's just that when we do I can't help over-worrying them and thinking ohmygod it's all my fault etc and then resenting feeling that way. Plus am due to be adopting her after we get married - another thing she is very excited about - and I wonder if actually am not really good enough at this to do it? Deary me.

How old was your DSD when you guys got together? And how was she when your children were born?

9 wen we got together 10 married 11 wen eldest son was born the long and short of it is my best friend is married to her eldest brother . he wasnt happy that we got together and i think it rubbed of on to her a bit .She was fine with the 1st ds but then wen dd came along she wasnt happy and with the last ds she ok just wont take too much of them. we had a big row tonite so im all rilled up ,its a boy thing . ne way my dh treets all our kids the same to a point that point is wen she gets a strop on it "well shes had a hard start to life" blah blah i had a dame hard life in and out of care homes and stuff but hay ho im rambleing on .Sorry Do you know what sex youre baby is??

A girl - not sure if she will be threatened by that or not, but she is pleased at moment.

Had really big talk with DP last night about all this and pointed out some of the things I was feeling - I know what you mean about the 'hard start in life' - my feeling is that whether or not you have there is still a standard of behaviour which is fair to expect. I'll be very understanding about her feelings of saddness etc but I ain't putting up with her expressing it by being a pain in the bum! I think that makes it harder in the long run as it doesn't teach them how to talk about their feelings properly does it?

TOO true ours just sits there and pulls faces .She has started to lie and hide things and is failing collage . We just dont know wat else to do .I just try to think of the good times we have holidays and stuff. What did youer dp say to you last nite ?

He was quite good actually. Had a really honest talk about things - I said I felt that sometimes he needed to back me up a bit more and he said he would, and he said sometimes I made an issue out of stuff he would have let go, which I took on board too. Plus I told him that although I appreciated he was more in charge of DSD than me I was not prepared to take a back seat in parenting our new one, so he needed to think about that. He apologised for not supporting me and said he thought it was important for me to feel that I had equal part in parenting DSD as otherwise there will be obvious differences and he doesn't want that. Plus he said he won't feel differently about our child and will love her just as much.
We have agreed I will leave some of the stuff that doesn't bother him with DSD but bothers me a bit, but he understands that important stuff he must back me up on, as I will him.

hi there,
iam a regular poster but have changed my name today for this thread.I have a dd who is actually my neice. Dh and i adopted her (age 5) following the death of her mother and father.She is now 12.
so much of what has been said on this thread is so familiar to me.I have been getting a great deal of 'you are not my realmother' recently.My take on it is:
she has had to cope with so much that any form of change is very unsettling.recently she has started big school
started her periods
started getting the bus home on her own
all of this has been much tougher than we expected.

I recently found out she had been lying to me about going to a club after schoolwhen in reality she had been gadding aboutin shops with a mate.no one knew where she was.i felt like a complete failure as i thought we had a good relationship.i now realise this is just normal teenage behaviour. suddenly peers are more important than me. any common sense is surrendered to the group.i despair.
she got a roasting for this. i removed the mobile phone for a fortnight.dh thought it was 'funny' and did not think it was a major thing.again i despair.

BTW the jealousy thing is very recognisable. dd used to cry if dh and i had a hug that did'nt include her.she still hates it, but we talk about it now and make sure hugs are spread around.
don't feel bad.you all deserve all the hugs in the world.its the feeling ( real or imagined) that she is not included.i have worked very hard to convince her that this is not true.it has got better but occasionally i see her giving us a mean stare if dh pecks me on the cheek.

Thanks for that auntiemum is so good to hear other people's experiences, as in RL don't come accross people in my situation very often.
Re the hugs thing, I think it is easy to forget from the child's point of view (I am very guiilty of this) how deeply their insecurities go - I suppose if you have been left (even by bereavement) by your main caregivers you will feel it very keenly when you are not part of something like a hug as will bring those insecurities more to the surface.
I haven't had the 'You're not really my Mum' yet but am expecting it as she gets older. Have had lots of 'My mummy will always be most important to me' etc - I think as she comes to terms with actually feeling a bit guilty about moving on in some ways. She felt bad for a bit that she was starting to forget her Mum, but we discussed it and have got through fine. I am adopting her after we get married, but she has decided after some chopping and changing of her mind, not to call me Mum but by my name, as the name 'Mum' makes her feel sad. This is cool by me but I don't want her to feel weird when my 'own' child calls me Mummy, which she will. But I guess this is something we will deal with when we get there.

agree ellieg . iam am still called auntie x because I am not her real mum.she chose to keep it that way andi never tried to change it.it was her choice and i think that is quite important.i have no problem with it.on mothers day we remember her mum by putting together a photo album or sending off a balloon or writing her a poem.
i take second place on purpose that day.I think it is right as it is good to have a day to mark her mums memory.( smae goes for fathers day)
ok there is part of me that selfishly would like recognition on Mothers day.but what the hell- sometimes life is tough.I see my job as making things ok for her in life.same with dh.I just d not wanther growing up thinking we forgot about her mum and dad.it is really important that we show her we have not replaced them , but have been given her as a giftof safekeeping until she can make her own way in life.
and no it is not easy.

I'm not in this situation but just read the thread and thought i'd say you're all doing a fab job - hardest job in the world some days!

Auntiemum - I'm sure when your dd has grown up and left home and maybe had children of her own she will give you that regognition on mother's day because you have been a mother to her.

Thanks lovemygirls

auntiemum - we do a card/balloon thing on her Mum's birthday and mother's day too. Last year she asked me to come too, but this year on her Mum's birthday when she asked if I was coming I said I thought it might be a Daddy and her thing to do - partly cos am muchly PG and can't do much walking round and partly cos it makes me feel weird and partly because I think it is good for her to have some time to talk to her Dad about her Mum - I never knew her and I want her to be able to chat to him about stuff without either of them feeling they have to be sensitive to my feelings.

Mother's day I am finding a leeetle bit more tricksy this year as my own child approaches. I have to admit there is a part of me that goes 'hey, what day is step-parent's day? What about meeeeee?'. Plus as own child gets older he/she will want to do something too. Have discussed with DP and agreed that as LO gets old enough to be aware of and want to mark mother's day he and DSD will continue to do their card/balloon thing in morning (I help her make the card usually so am involved) and then LO can do things then too for me if wants. Or we can have lunch. But it has to be about her Mum too - she needs to know this and any feelings of resentfulness I have about this I just have to get over tbh, as it would not be fair to let them interfere.

Have had a thought this evening - I figure my strategy for dealing with DSD hasn't been working that well since I am getting cross and she is being all weirdy and insecure. So I figures hmmm maybe I will try not fighting it but going with it - if she is insecure because of lots of changes in life I will try tackling it a bit more head on. So I discussed with her the idea of us making a book all about her Mum, and her, to help her answer all the questions she has about her Mum's life and what she was like, and all about how her Mum was when she was PG with her and what that time was like as I was thinking today - I know all those things about my Mum cos they are part of my childhood - all these stories etc, and DSD doesn't have that cos her Mum isn't around, and that made me feel a bit sad for her. So I figure her Dad can help, and she has a nice uncle who was her mum's fave brother who I know will be happy to help. DSD was really pleased with the idea and has been very chilled since we talked about it.

Oh, Ellie, that is such a lovely idea. You sound like a fab step-mum, you really do.

Try not to worry too much about every problem with your step-dd - even biological parents have times when we are irritated by/fed up with our children.

Thanks edam I am mostly not fab at all but I am trying my best!

hi monin minnie back am in the throws of packing my stuff .Havin a horrid time DSD and DH has put the iciand on the cake! DSDhad here phone taken off here as she was late for her curfue ,So on monday nite DH was at work and she went of on one packed her bags ang went to catch the bus to her BFs having got her home and tried to reason with her her dad gave her the phone back and told her simply not to do it again !!!!!!! Really thought the things were starting to work for us . We have worked really well togethr the past few weeks . I gave him an ultimatum , i said if he gave her the phone back and didnt sort this out then i would be leaving him and he just said "let me know how much miantance u wantand were to pick the kids up from " O M G what do i do now !!!??