It's another Will one...

[hourbyhour101]

So basics I'm the higher earner in my marriage and also a saver. My lovely DH is not. I own my house outright and have various assets passed down through inheritance and he owns another house outright (although of lesser value) but little else. These were all obtained prior to the marriage and protected somewhat legally speaking.

I have a DD and he has a DD (my lovely DSD) and we have a shared DC.

My Dd is unlikely to inherit anything from her dad and DSD is unlikely to inherit from mum. Not that I think that makes much difference but mum is also v bad with money and has a tendency to borrow from DSCs fund (which I pay into to teach DSC about money, not a lot but regular and something I have chosen to do so she can support her rather expensive hobby - which I introduced her to if she wishes). This is based on grades and attending school which on the whole have gotten better since I did this. Anyway that was a tangent.

It's all kicked off. So my DH have mirroring wills, he dies I remain in the house until I remarry/die/move out ect and vias versa were going to split the assets so DSC and DC will inherit from him and my DD and Dc (shared) will inherit from me, sounds great right. I will leave one very bad temper horse and some jewellery to DSD and maintaince for the upkeep of said horse but obviously it won't match what I'm leaving Dd and Dc.

Well mums kicked off because I will have more assets and she feels that we should be splitting it 3 ways, and that because DSC is older she will have to wait for longer for me to die (I'm not a spring chicken by any terms so I took this as a backhanded compliment) and she believes DSD won't have use for the money because she will be too old.
Basically wants some of the pie now. She said she will contest the my will to make sure her DSD gets her share. Is this possible?

Am I being unfair ? I care about my DSC very much but since the majority of the assets I have were way before I married DH and in the kindest sense I have fairly young children to provision for and DSD will be entering into adulthood soon.

I thought I was being fair but happy to be told otherwise.

Why are you even discussing your will with your husband's ex wife? Tell her to keep her nose out of it. It doesn't concern her. Your plan sounds sensible.

Also I'm not sure that your husbands ex could even contest your will, or if she could it wouldn't go anywhere. I'd be surprised if a step child could either.

This is NUTS. She sounds unwell.

Ex does not need to know anything about this! Stop telling her anything about money. Don’t tell the girls anything. Ignore her claims and wants. They are irrelevant.

Stick to your plan.

And why is she dipping into her DD’s funds? That’s disgusting. Time to move them to a different account that only you have DH can access.

Time for some nice wide, high boundaries, OP.

Why on earth are you discussing it with her?
No, she cannot contest your will on behalf of her DD. Well she can try, spend a fortune in legal fees and end up with nothing to show for it.

I’d just tell her it’s been sorted.

My DH and I decided after a lot of thought that we are going to split everything into thirds - I have two children, he has one. We have no “shared” children. We haven’t discussed it with anyone else.

Contesting a will is complex and difficult. Useful info here:

Info on contesting wills

Just for reference I didn't tell her, DH told DSC when she asked what happens if we died (recent death in family which probably prompted the question)

I suspect DSD told mum. Re the money I believe DSD is guilted into it but my only option is to cut her off and she's just trying to be nice to mum and being taken advantage of. Either way DSD loses out. Also I only have DSD side on the money thing, I don't know why mums doing it but I do know DSD gets "asked" but it's not really a ask.

I'm trying to do the right thing tbh

The mum is nuts. Its none of her business what you give DSC in your will.

She is free to make whatever gifts to her own child but she doesn't get to dictate what you or your DH give.

It's perfectly fair that your pre marital assets are split between your respective children. It's perfectly fair that you and your dh get to stay on in your house after your spouse dies.

It's a hard fact of inheritance that you have to wait for people to die!!!

It's not an inherent right..

Tell her to stop counting your money.or waiting for your death.so rude.

This. Tell the ex to piss off.

I think the only slight opening you’ve given her is that you pay for her hobby and pay into her account? There’s some leeway there for indicating that she’s a dependent and is ‘entitled’ to ongoing support. But it’s very tenuous and I can’t imagine anyone being stupid enough to take it to court.

I agree with the others: why are you treating this as if it is any of your husband’s ex’s business.

I’d also move the money you are saving for DSD into an account her mother cannot access. How dare she treat it like her own piggy bank!

I would imagine the ex isn’t bothered about DSD inheriting (given the paragraph above) other than because she wants to ensure the she gets access to as much money as possible if your H dies while DSD is a child. I’d be considering trust provision for DSD that is administered by someone other than her mother!

There's no way that she'd be classed as a dependent because the OP lets her ride her horse!

I would change bank account pronto, OP. Your step daughter needs to be protected from her mum's poor management of money.

It probably is time to get your wills looked after to protect your dsds inheritance from her father. Better safe than sorry but if he dies whilst she is still a child that woman will have her hands all over the money. Best if all your dc have some form of protection for the money . Are you talking about them getting money at 18 or 21 or older?

@ZenNudist ideally 21 because I remember myself at 18 so I'm hoping praying that they will be more sensible than me at 18.

Yes you might be right. The problem is I can lock down the money aspect and stop the card but then DSD won't have easy access to it. I wouldn't put it past mum to frog March her into the bank to withdraw it and cash well .. cash goes missing.

I'm frustrated it's gotten to this tbh. If legally me giving this allowance will open up any crack for mum to wiggle I'm going to have to stop it permanently. Which is a upsetting thought tbh. But I will seek legal counsel on that because I hadn't even considered it.

She does indeed sound crazy and your way is very fair. Personally - I would be tempted to put your DH’s house in trust for DSD and then split the remainder (which is basically all yours) equally between your DD and shared DC. But you’d have no obligation to do so.

@ICanHideButICantRun tbf it's DSD horse i have my own but I bought it for her. But for all intensive purposes the horse is totally hers, I just pay for stables food ect. She does everything else

So DSD is an adult?

I wouldn’t be sharing any more info on money with any of the girls.

Whether DSD is being guilted into passing on info or is just over-sharing, the easiest way to stop anything sensitive being repeated back to ex is for you and DH not to give her the info.

I’m confused - the money DSD’s mum is effectively stealing is an allowance you pay for the horse? Can you just pay the stables direct?

How old is DSD?

Sorry - second thoughts. I suppose the risk of my suggestion is you die first and DH burns through the cash for DD and shared DC before he dies. Maybe a will trust (with DH having right of residence in your marital home until he dies) and DSD having his house in trust might work? But without figures it’s hard to know if that would be fair.

Greedy cow and cheeky monkey in one. Ignore.

The XW wants to get her hands on the money, can you put it into a trust for dsd only to be accessed by her at X age. Don't tell her, don't tell the bonkers mother.
Hopefully dsd will be adult enough to manage it on her own then

Sorry should have been clear all big ticket things related is payed directly stables ect

When I mean a allowance for her hobby im talking new riding boots, saddles (although they are expensive)things to pretty the horse extras that aren't required or if she wants to go to cinema ect.

OK. In that case, assuming she’s not over 18, can you just close the account, move her savings to one in your/DH names and then get her a GoHenry type card where you load a set amount each week or month and can also set limits on spending.

If she’s under 16 can you go with her to buy boots and riding equipment but then she can have, say £50 available on the card to spend on cinema etc?

That way, there is nothing for the ex to take, unless she wants to deny her daughter a social life.

More generally, it may seem kind-hearted for your DSD to give her mum money, but your comment about ex not being afraid to take her to the bank is really chilling. It’s financial abuse, Worth making sure DSD knows that this is not right and is protected from it in every possible way.

when we married DH had 2 dc from previous marriage, we had no children together at that stage. I was all for writing wills to give an equal split to all children but our Financial Advisor convinced me that although I might think that sounded fair it actually wasn’t. If we both died, his dc would still have a parent whereas any children we would have together would be orphans. This extreme situation made me realise and we agreed that DH 50% of assets would be split equally between all his dc and my 50% would be split equally between my dc. If DH does first I will inherit everything but I would still make sure his DC got their share by sharing 50% between all children and 50% between just my children. DH will do the same if I die first. It doesn’t mean I love dsc any less.

None of her fucking business

Yes - and that 😂
sounds like the ex has got her eyes on spending your money herself and is annoyed she won’t get chance