It's another Will one...

[hourbyhour101]

So basics I'm the higher earner in my marriage and also a saver. My lovely DH is not. I own my house outright and have various assets passed down through inheritance and he owns another house outright (although of lesser value) but little else. These were all obtained prior to the marriage and protected somewhat legally speaking.

I have a DD and he has a DD (my lovely DSD) and we have a shared DC.

My Dd is unlikely to inherit anything from her dad and DSD is unlikely to inherit from mum. Not that I think that makes much difference but mum is also v bad with money and has a tendency to borrow from DSCs fund (which I pay into to teach DSC about money, not a lot but regular and something I have chosen to do so she can support her rather expensive hobby - which I introduced her to if she wishes). This is based on grades and attending school which on the whole have gotten better since I did this. Anyway that was a tangent.

It's all kicked off. So my DH have mirroring wills, he dies I remain in the house until I remarry/die/move out ect and vias versa were going to split the assets so DSC and DC will inherit from him and my DD and Dc (shared) will inherit from me, sounds great right. I will leave one very bad temper horse and some jewellery to DSD and maintaince for the upkeep of said horse but obviously it won't match what I'm leaving Dd and Dc.

Well mums kicked off because I will have more assets and she feels that we should be splitting it 3 ways, and that because DSC is older she will have to wait for longer for me to die (I'm not a spring chicken by any terms so I took this as a backhanded compliment) and she believes DSD won't have use for the money because she will be too old.
Basically wants some of the pie now. She said she will contest the my will to make sure her DSD gets her share. Is this possible?

Am I being unfair ? I care about my DSC very much but since the majority of the assets I have were way before I married DH and in the kindest sense I have fairly young children to provision for and DSD will be entering into adulthood soon.

I thought I was being fair but happy to be told otherwise.

I’ve read some cheeky fuckery stories on here but THIS. What an absolute shameless parasite!

I think you are making a mistake with the mirror wills.

If you do pass first you will have to trust your husband to follow your wishes.

It doesnt always work.

If he does get remarried and his nee wife inherits everything/ or he may burn through all the money before the kids get a chance to have anything. Also this way your assets will be taken into account for any care needs he may have.

Better would be to have the house and assets put into trust. So he can live there and everything else apart from a lump sum to your husband goes to the kids.

I would never trust any arrangement like this.

I've seen it go wrong too many times, when usually the widower gets married again and everything goes to the new wife.

Yeah my solicitor said this was a bad idea. We ended up with our assets to be written in trust

@MeridianB ohhh go Henry card now haven't thought of that. She's under 18 and as for her mum denying her a social life that's why I did this because before when cash was given, it just went missing and DSD (being a teenager and having flaws and all) copped a lot of blame for blowing the money until mum mentioned she had "borrowing" from DSD it.

I say "borrowing" it but it seems disingenuous considering she never had any plans to return it. Obviously this is DSD mum so would never say this and DSD believes her that one day... (sigh)

I wish I could say that she needed it genuinely but for reasons I won't go into here she is financially settled.

Thank you all I just really wanted to sense check what I was doing. I really appreciate it ❤️

Lock it up now. THEN tell her.

@Fraaahnces I will do. I'm just cross and wanted to vent a spleen, also to sense check all this because I thought maybe I was being unfair or had a blind spot.

I have never said it to anyone in RL because I don't want it getting back to the wrong people or more importantly DSD getting hurt.

I also realise how privileged a position I'm in for anyone reading this thinking egh third world problems, but honestly mums usually ok. Just never ever about money.

If you look at hyperjar rather than gohenry there are no fees, you cannot withdraw cash (pretty much everything is cashless now anyway) and you’ll be notified still everytime the cash is spent. Might avoid DSD being frogmarched to the bank

@missbriteside that's a good idea.

In realistic terms I want DSD to have a bit of independence and I don't want to remove this lifeline if I can help it.what you have suggested seems to be a good compromise.

Sometimes it feels like I'm pushing shit up hill 😖

I think the reason it feels hard is that you’re trying give some financial independence to a child who is being financially abused.

I honestly don’t know how the mother can live with herself.

The mother wants DSD to have money so that she can steal it. You need to lock it down now and tell the mother to fuck off. Be very firm.

@MeridianB it's driving me quite mad frankly. My DSD deserves to get nice things, and I personally have always helped mum out (I'm a mug don't know why I do it, never solves the problem)

But I'm a mum myself from my first marriage so I get it. It's hard. Super hard. And all I get is well hour by hour has xyz - and I bastarding paid for all I have.

DSD gets guilted and treated like she's 6, and take advantage of.

Not that I as sm have any right to be cross. DH spoke to mum about it and mum said that she has every right as DSD mother to have access control over this money I give DSD . (So no one gets confused this is in addition to what DH pays in maintenance and comes out of my pocket by my choice)

At this point I'm asking DSD to create a wish list of rolling items and I will pay for and give to DSD whenever.

Mum will be cross but truly thought she might become more reasonable on this...

Sorry to rant ladies.

She sounds totally deluded. I’d be worried she is controlling DSD in horrible ways. Would it help DSD to have 50:50 care?

We do 50/50 near about anyway. It switches if mums upset about something or withdraws contact and DSD just goes along with it. (That's a different thread)

Usually money that kicks things off. DSD v loyal to her mum and I personally stay off the topic of it completely other to say your allowed to have your own feelings, how can I help ect just listen I suppose.

It's a nightmare. It's less that mum doesn't have money more that she sees what I earn and gets annoyed about it. I get that she's human, I have been there. We have offered to have DSD more if she wants to change jobs/ pick up more hours but she says that will effect her benefits and she likes working part time and that's her choice.

Baring wills ect I don't get involved in their personal arrangements re money. I know people have said maintenance doesn't need to be paid if 50/50 but that's not something I'm invested in changing tbh nothing to do with me.

Just wanted to make sure I was being fair to DSD. This amount of agg around money can make you question your sanity tbh.

And I don't want to defend mum here but she's dealing with a lot on her side of fence (which is nothing I can do to help sadly) so I'm just keeping a low profile.

I sound horrible I know but it's really best if I just not rock the boat. DH can tackle that particular hornets nest.

As ex has form for withdrawing contact, is DH tempted to just take it court for formal 50:50?

We did, she refused mediation then did a massive u turn right after we were due to go to court and everything was fine again.

Not gonna lie DSD got really upset over the whole situation

At her age and considering everything, we have just tried to keep the peace. She's nearing adulthood and mum wouldn't stick to it anyway (got that in writing) and it seems that there's nothing actually done if mum breaks the order 😩

But willing to be told this incorrect.