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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Custody schedules

32 replies

Cantthinkofausername02 · 08/01/2023 09:27

Hi All, newbie here
I've been with my partner just over 2 years who is separated with son (6) from previous marriage. I moved in a few months ago.
I get on well with his son but I am finding the lack of a custody schedule/organisation difficult (they try 50/50 as much as possible) as partner either always has son for the full weekend or 1 weekend day each. He also has him 2-3 days during week depending on how it's planned. This is often only agreed between a week to a few days ahead so it's hard to plan or do anything as a couple (the hobby we have involves needing the full weekend as have to travel). I meet up with friends and do my own thing as I understand balancing time is hard for him but I find I am doing the majority of things we used to enjoy together alone.

Well aware my needs are last priority and it's selfish but I am feeling frustrated by it all and feel that it is effecting the relationship.

Neither of the parents want to go to court to get a formal agreement. They coparent well majority of time. He used to have a different job when first met so was able to be more flexible on days to spend together, now has an office based weekday 9-5.

Would appreciate any words of wisdom or hearing about how different schedules work?
Thanks

OP posts:
upfucked · 08/01/2023 09:30

Does your partner want a more formal schedule, the child, the other parent? I’ve only heard that you want it to be different.

AuntieStella · 08/01/2023 09:34

The only this you can do is learn to live with it.

It suits both the parents, and the co-parenting style they have chosen will come ahead of plans for hobbies etc.

As you're not enjoying life now, but you were when he worked different hours, have you talked to him about how long he wants/needs to stay in this post, and whether there's any prospect of changing to something with hours that suit better (though I don't quite see how that gets you weekends back to do the hobby together)

BabyFour2023 · 08/01/2023 09:35

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Lkydfju · 08/01/2023 09:36

Our schedule often changed which worked for us both but we’d also plan weekends away and just let DSDs mum know in advance that we’d be away or made sure my in laws were available

Original poster
Cantthinkofausername02 · 08/01/2023 09:38

Sorry yes when he moved to his office job he said it would mean could set up a set schedule that is balanced. He suggested a schedule last month that included equal weekends but nothing came of it just a 'we will see'

OP posts:
Lkydfju · 08/01/2023 09:40

@BabyFour2023 why come on the step parenting board just to have this attitude towards someone asking for support? Of course it’s to do with the OP as it effects her life and it’s ok for a step parent to want their needs met.

freesia86 · 08/01/2023 09:43

Flexibility is really valuable when you are separated and it is so much better to be able to talk and change arrangements then it is to cause tension and have a very strict plan.

Original poster
Cantthinkofausername02 · 08/01/2023 09:53

Yeah no issue at all with being flexible and they communicate well when plans change/coordinate schedules etc I meant more a general plan in place as a guide e.g. aim to have tues-thurs but if someone can't do that day then can easily swap or just have an extra day etc

I also appreciate that it is up to them, I can express my wish (which partner has expressed is same) but will accept whatever they decide/best for them and know that if it doesn't work for me in long run it means leaving

OP posts:
fajitaaaa · 08/01/2023 09:54

Thing is I think if they are happy with it you just have to decide if you are or not. And leave if you're not. Don't expect it to change.

tribpot · 08/01/2023 09:55

I'm trying to work out what order things happened in. When you first got together with him, and were able to do your hobby with him, he was in a different job which gave him more flexibility to do other things, but presumably less flexibility to look after his child?

Then either he switched jobs or you moved in, which came next?

It sounds as if he is a very committed and hands-on dad, so kudos to him for that, and the parents have a loose and flexible schedule that works for them both. It sounds as if it may evolve over time.

Your DP doesn't seem to mind not being able to do this hobby any more? This is what life as a parent is like, you don't regularly get to take whole weekends away to do something else.

It's understandable that it doesn't suit you, but if both parents and the child are happy with the arrangements, I don't see them changing.

Theunamedcat · 08/01/2023 09:56

Sounds like the needs of the children are bring prioritised?

liveforsummer · 08/01/2023 09:58

Doesn't sound like court is in any way needed here. I think you misunderstand role of family court. It obviously doesn't mean as much to your partner as it does to you to have something more formal. Where things are amicable it makes sense to stay flexible if dc is happy that way

Original poster
Cantthinkofausername02 · 08/01/2023 10:05

He says he wants it more balanced too but isn't insisting on set days so perhaps you are right and he isn't that bothered. If he had said he was happy with schedule and how things were, I would accept that's the way things are and make decision from there, just confusing when he says one thing, does another.

Think another conversation is needed, thanks for the replies all.

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 08/01/2023 10:10

I would be frustrated too.

I suppose your only option is to sit him down and have a chat about it. A serious chat. Tell him you understand he has a child and he will always be the priority but tell him you don’t feel that you are trying to compromise that by being able to plan things in

if he doesn’t take your point of view seriously enough I’m sorry but in your shoes I’d question the relationship

lookluv · 08/01/2023 10:30

So his job changed ad now he wants to change things according to you. That may not suit the other parent who has set their working life up around the previous arrangement. Changing is not straight forward involves child care, school, getting to work on time etc etc.
The key is in the wording co - the arrangement has to work for both of them.
Why do his wishes over ride hers?

Lkydfju · 08/01/2023 10:58

The other part to consider OP is that the problem may solve itself as generally children need routine and consistency so they need to know reliably which parent is picking them up and who they’ll be with and not always trying to remember their schedule or asking what’s going on each day and his parents will start seeing that.

lunar1 · 08/01/2023 11:41

I would look at his actions rather than what he's telling you as often people have a tendency to want to fall in line with their new or current partner.

He's saying he would like things more the way you do, but this doesn't seem to be reflected in his actions in any way.

You can push, and perhaps he will accommodate your wishes. With that there is always the chance that one big argument will have him pushing the blame completely on you, claiming he never wanted it. How many times do we see that on here?

It sounds like the arrangement has already changed with his ex to accommodate his new job, so now it would have to change again to accommodate you and the joint hobby. There is every chance this could sour their coparenting relationship.

I really think you should arrange your life in a way that makes you happy, and see where he fits into that. You are a person who has every right to enjoy your life and not have it dictated unnecessarily by things that aren't in your control. You are so much more than a step parent.

Sellorkeep · 08/01/2023 12:54

DSC doesn’t mind the lack of rhythm? They are still quite little so maybe noticing yet, but very soon, a bit of predictability might suit them better. Certainly once my DSD was that age she really needed a calendar to see where she was going to be when.

BabyFour2023 · 08/01/2023 13:29

Lkydfju · 08/01/2023 09:40

@BabyFour2023 why come on the step parenting board just to have this attitude towards someone asking for support? Of course it’s to do with the OP as it effects her life and it’s ok for a step parent to want their needs met.

She’s not his step mum she’s literally his dads new girlfriend.
I didn’t seek out the SP board.. it was in active.

Sellorkeep · 08/01/2023 13:32

BabyFour2023 · 08/01/2023 13:29

She’s not his step mum she’s literally his dads new girlfriend.
I didn’t seek out the SP board.. it was in active.

Show quote history

She’s been with her partner for TWO bloody years.

fajitaaaa · 08/01/2023 13:43

Sellorkeep · 08/01/2023 12:54

DSC doesn’t mind the lack of rhythm? They are still quite little so maybe noticing yet, but very soon, a bit of predictability might suit them better. Certainly once my DSD was that age she really needed a calendar to see where she was going to be when.

Yes personally I think routine is very important

Marblessolveeverything · 08/01/2023 14:10

If it works for the child and parents then it is unlikely to change. We have kept our arrangements loose to suit us for over seven years, it works for the child/teen.

Partners possibly come and go, so our priorities remain child focus. If any partner hasn't been onboard then they are free to leave.

MeridianB · 08/01/2023 15:37

I’m guessing that DP and ex live very close to each other, making it very easy for DSS to have such flexible movement between then both? I agree with PP saying many children prefer more structure and set days as they get older, esp as school gets more serious.

But I also agree that if DP says he wants more structure but doesn’t discuss that with his ex then he is probably fine with the way things are.

I think this means you need to consider your future by assuming the current arrangement won’t change. Would it be a dealbreaker for you?

Oh, and ignore the snarky comments.

BabyFour2023 · 08/01/2023 15:40

Sellorkeep · 08/01/2023 13:32

She’s been with her partner for TWO bloody years.

Show quote history

and only lived with him a few months… didn’t say she’s known the child 2 years. Hopefully she didn’t meet him straight away. You’re not a step mum to someone you’ve seen possibly once or twice a week for a few months.

Yousee · 08/01/2023 16:00

He doesn't have time for a relationship and apparently is happy to continue as he is so I'd tap out before I wasted more years on this. It's the worst of all worlds.