Custody schedules

[Cantthinkofausername02]

Hi All, newbie here
I've been with my partner just over 2 years who is separated with son (6) from previous marriage. I moved in a few months ago.
I get on well with his son but I am finding the lack of a custody schedule/organisation difficult (they try 50/50 as much as possible) as partner either always has son for the full weekend or 1 weekend day each. He also has him 2-3 days during week depending on how it's planned. This is often only agreed between a week to a few days ahead so it's hard to plan or do anything as a couple (the hobby we have involves needing the full weekend as have to travel). I meet up with friends and do my own thing as I understand balancing time is hard for him but I find I am doing the majority of things we used to enjoy together alone.

Well aware my needs are last priority and it's selfish but I am feeling frustrated by it all and feel that it is effecting the relationship.

Neither of the parents want to go to court to get a formal agreement. They coparent well majority of time. He used to have a different job when first met so was able to be more flexible on days to spend together, now has an office based weekday 9-5.

Would appreciate any words of wisdom or hearing about how different schedules work?
Thanks

Who made you the judge of that? Why are you even posting here? The OP has come to what she thinks is a safe space to ask advice. Anyway your post has been deleted so there’s no need for me uk say more.

I think a regular schedule is important for both the adults and the kids. Especially as kids get older and start making plans on their own with their friends. This doesn't mean anyone needs to go to court and it also doesn't mean there can't be some flexibility.

It's great that your DP seems like a hands on dad but at the same time he needs to also make time for you. If his childcare schedule doesn't allow for that then he should never have asked you to move in. I don't think it's unreasonable for you to expect a bit of consistency.

I'd suggest setting up a regular schedule. Alternative weeks for example. Then perhaps on a monthly basis DP and his ex could review and make any changes in advance.

We have my DSD 50%, Sunday to Sunday. Ex gets every Tuesday and we get every Thursday. Means DSD can do her hobby with us every Thursday, she doesn't go a whole week without seeing either parent and both parents have equal share of school runs and. weekends. We do have a legal custody agreement because DHs ex is high conflict and it was required. Any changes for family parties etc need to have 4 weeks notice. We also do alternate birthdays and xmas.

I don't think this type of thing is good for anyone (except maybe the parents as it seems to be at their request).

It's not good for you, and yes of course it's your business if it affects your life and your ability to plan your time with your partner and importantly I highly doubt it's any good for the children who mustn't know where they are from one day to the next. We had this issue for years when my husband's ex worked shifts so contact would change constantly. No problem with the flexibility needed, but the last minute of it was awful. For everyone, including the children who had no idea where they were staying half the time. Thankfully both too old now to need this sort of thing anymore and come more just when they want to rather than just because their parent is out.

I'm not sure what you can really do about it if neither parent is bothered by the lack of schedule enough to do anything official about it. But yes I absolutely get why it's annoying. Personally I'd be making plans, preferably with your partner if you can get him to agree and then just telling his ex you cannot do X date and then don't change it if a last minute request comes up. If your partner won't then... I don't know. I wouldn't be happy about that so I cant imagine I'd be staying but if you do I'd crack on making plans for yourself and refuse to cancel them because his kids have turned up unexpectedly. Nothing stopping you from still going and getting on with your day, he can spend time with the DC

Where things are amicable it makes sense to stay flexible if dc is happy that way

There is flexibility and then there is a complete lack of schedule. I don't know how anyone thinks the latter is a good way to co parent or a good for the children involved either.

Even if regular working hours aren't involved so days may change week on week, in most shift work it should be relatively easy enough to plan the schedule in accordance with your work schedule for the coming weeks and let your ex and your children know rather than leaving everything to the last minute so no one knows what's up from down.

So when I first moved in with my dp, he would have his son every single weekend, Fri to mon. This wasn’t ideal in my opinion as we never got to do anything! So he changed it. No his ex wasn’t happy about it because she wanted all her weekends child free but oh well. He makes up for it though by having him in the week on the weeks he doesn’t have him the weekend so he doesn’t see him any less. This was ok for us because dp job is a bit flexible so could do pick ups and drop offs on school days. There should be a compromise somewhere. Your relationship should be a priority too. Even if you had one free weekend a month, that’s what we have actually and it’s nice. Although we have our own children now so it’s not so important lol, but it means we can do things with our younger 2 that his older ds isn’t really interested in and gets bored with.

I'm a other who thinks a total lack of routine is really bad for dc. Exh & I always had set weekends & weekdays - that way he, I, respective partners, & most importantly dd knew where we/they/she were.
Of course we remained flexible & would always swap with each other if something came up but the routine was best for everyone.
I personally couldn't live with that lack of routine op but my own opinions aside please be mindful that if you go on to have dc with your partner the lack of routine will become even more of an issue with your entire household never knowing which end is up.
I'm not sure what you can do in your circumstances but I definitely think another talk needs to happen.

I’d hate this! And I do t think it’s ideal for the child! We have a shared care agreement where my DSD is with us some weekdays and weekend days but it’s the same days every week. If one family wants a holiday or a weekend away we are flexible but we feel it generally benefits her to stick to a schedule.