Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Eviction of stepson

67 replies

Jbloggg123 · 06/01/2023 21:02

My 18 year old stepson has physically assaulted me 3 times. I have never reported this as I donf want him to have a criminal record. It was the final straw causing my wife and I to separate as she failed to support my wanting to evict him.
We are joint owners of the property and all still live under the same roof along with our six year son also.
It is a living nightmare. Can I legally get my stepson removed. Oh he also smokes weed in the house.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jbloggg123 · 07/01/2023 09:51

Thank you fir your kind words.
The separation of my wife and I is as a result of this last assault and her lack of support for me. I had done nothing to warrant it, other than to tell him to wash some dishes that he had dumped in the sink.
I do think he is possibly jealous of his younger sibling but that is no excuse for violence and I always treated him exactly the same at that age.

OP posts:

Dontknownow86 · 07/01/2023 09:53

I'm going to be contrary here and say I can understand from his mother's perspective why you can't really kick out a boy that whilst technically 18 is still in full time education and a schoolchild. Where would he go? How would he support/ feed himself?

My brother was a bit like this at 18. It was a combination of hormones, poor self esteem and terror about his future. He went to stay with my grandparents for a short while who were very calming supportive influences and then came back home once his relationship with my father had been repaired. He's been a perfectly sensible adult ever since and neither myself nor my mother / siblings have ever been or felt at risk. He didn't have a generally aggressive personality he was reacting to being cornered and lectured.

Is there somewhere he can stay for a sort while so you all get some breathing space? Can you help set up some counselling for him or as a family? It may help anyway with navigating the seperation and doing the least amount of damage to your young son in the long term?

Talia99 · 07/01/2023 09:56

Jbloggg123 · 07/01/2023 09:31

I still love and care for my SS, I sincerely hope it is just teenage angst he is dealing with.
I will contact the police just so the assaults are on record but as I have stated, I don't want him to have criminal record.

You can’t get him out while your wife wants him there so long as she has a right to the house (so while the divorce is ongoing).

If you don’t want him to have a criminal record, don’t call the police. Once you go on record as being the victim of domestic violence (which this is), the system goes into action. You don’t decide if he is arrested and you don’t decide if he is taken to court. Too many years of police saying ‘it’s a family matter’ when a man beat his wife means they have minimal discretion these days.

I don’t understand what you mean by ‘put it on record’. You either make a statement to the police or you don’t. If you do, the above occurs. If you don’t, nothing happens and it has zero weight in any matrimonial proceedings.

It’s a pity you didn’t call the police earlier - if you’d done it when he was under 18, he’d have been treated as a youth and there would have been a lot more options. Also, making an unsubstantiated complaint of assault during a contentious divorce when there has been no mention of it before isn’t likely to have any effect on divorce / custody proceedings, particularly if your wife says you are lying.

You need to speak to your divorce lawyer about what to do next. What are you going to do if custody is awarded 50/50 and your son spends half his time in a house with his mother and brother while you are elsewhere?

Talia99 · 07/01/2023 09:58

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 07/01/2023 09:43

I expect someone with better knowledge will be along shortly, but I don’t think you reporting his behaviour will lead to a criminal record. To get a record, he would have to be tried and convicted in court. It doesn’t sound as if your STBX wife would support your ‘allegation’ anyway, so it would be difficult to prove. I suppose he might be given a caution, but it’s a pretty grey area as it is I presume all hearsay.

Do you think that he may be upset at your split and he is taking out his resentment on you? You seem to be the main father figure in his life, maybe this violence is a misplaced attempt to win and maintain your attention, or to persuade you to stay , or just to punish you. Could you access some pastoral care for him, and try to make him understand that your relationship with him can continue after the divorce. He is an adult, his mother can’t control who he sees. You wouldn’t abandon a blood child under these circumstances, and it doesn’t sound as if you want to cut ties with him.

good luck, I really hope you can sort this out to your mutual well being.

He’d have to admit the offence to get a caution. Also, a caution is a criminal record - it will show up on DBS checks and affect employment just like a conviction in court.

MeridianB · 07/01/2023 10:08

Jbloggg123 · 07/01/2023 09:45

And how would I fund just leaving my home. I have no family nearby.

OP, a few sources of potential help and advice:

www.mankind.org.uk

mensadviceline.org.uk

refuge.org.uk/i-need-help-now/other-support-services/support-for-men/

www.nhs.uk/live-well/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/

Original poster

Jbloggg123 · 07/01/2023 10:14

Many thanks, I have tried mens advice line....useless.
I spoke to a councillor through work and she was a really good listener and put in a referral to the safeguarding team.
Following that, I had a call from a social worker that said unless my YO was in immediate danger there was nothing she could do, even though I pointed out it is psychology damaging living in this environment.

OP posts:

SpaceshiptoMars · 07/01/2023 10:43

Being in a step family is psychologically challenging. The situation plays on everyone's deepest fears, and it is very easy to attribute the worst possible motives to those involved. People can feel that they are fighting for their very lives, their freedom, their autonomy, their sanity even. It can get ridiculously intense.

Unless there is a massive backstory with affairs, or alcoholism or gambling, I suspect that counselling for all of you would let some much needed light and air into the house. What is going on with junior? Fear of getting into massive debt in an uncertain world? Fear of leaving home? A girl he doesn't want to leave behind? Ructions in his peer group? I suspect your wife knows!

Original poster

Jbloggg123 · 07/01/2023 11:00

Appreciate your input but you really are shooting in the dark. As far as I can see he is pretty much an a typical teenager...with a lot of angst. My wife has zero control or knowledge about him. As with my LO I have always been the main carer. This is why I am finding the whole situation so unbearable

OP posts:

Original poster

Jbloggg123 · 07/01/2023 11:01

There is certainly no back story. I have always fully supported, both financially and emotionally all of my family

OP posts:

SausageInCider · 07/01/2023 11:07

Is he only aggressive towards you? Why hasn’t your wife contributed to the family pot if she works full time?

Original poster

Jbloggg123 · 07/01/2023 11:10

Verbally to his mother.
She has contributed a third of household bills but only for the last 3 out of 15 years....because, in hindsight,I was stupid

OP posts:

SpaceshiptoMars · 07/01/2023 11:14

Actually I meant backstory as in how your wife has behaved! Two of my dsc have got quite physical with me. One we've resolved things with, and I now have a truly amazing relationship with, the other we are currently NC with, but I have hopes that time will resolve.

SpaceshiptoMars · 07/01/2023 14:58

Eviction is a very dramatic solution. A negotiated stay with his best mates family would be much lower key, and allows space for you all to consider your futures. Perhaps it is enough of a stretch for him to focus on the A levels, and thinking beyond that is proving too difficult.

Your wife is stuck in a loyalty bind. Ultimatums wreck relationships and are the nuclear option.

MeridianB · 07/01/2023 15:12

Ultimatums wreck relationships

Being repeatedly punched doesn’t help much, either.

Liorae · 07/01/2023 15:23

SpaceshiptoMars · 07/01/2023 14:58

Your wife is stuck in a loyalty bind. Ultimatums wreck relationships and are the nuclear option.

I doubt a "best mate's" or any other family is going to offer to put up a violent 18 yr old. They have the welfare of their own family to protect.

SpaceshiptoMars · 07/01/2023 15:29

MeridianB · 07/01/2023 15:12

Ultimatums wreck relationships

Being repeatedly punched doesn’t help much, either.

I've been on the sharp end, too, so I hear what you're saying. But it's time for the grown-ups to use their words/call in a psychologist/arrange counselling. To not do that, but then evict a sixth former seems premature.

If this is the third time op has been in hospital with a broken jaw as a result, I'm wrong. But I guess the police would already be involved if so.

Original poster

Jbloggg123 · 07/01/2023 20:00

Yes it is, and believe me, it is also the very last resort.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3