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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Eviction of stepson

67 replies

Jbloggg123 · 06/01/2023 21:02

My 18 year old stepson has physically assaulted me 3 times. I have never reported this as I donf want him to have a criminal record. It was the final straw causing my wife and I to separate as she failed to support my wanting to evict him.
We are joint owners of the property and all still live under the same roof along with our six year son also.
It is a living nightmare. Can I legally get my stepson removed. Oh he also smokes weed in the house.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jbloggg123 · 07/01/2023 00:40

Choccolatte · 07/01/2023 00:13

I agree you shouldn't put up with violence. However to say you treat him as you would your own child is disingenuous. If you did you wouldn't have mentioned the step bit so readily. I say this as a step parent and understand the difference. The advice would be very different if he was your son. That said you need to act strongly.

Really!!! and do you think that is how I refered to him prior to being punched?
If I hadn't of felt as strongly towards him as I do, I think I would have reported him to the police....

OP posts:
Original poster
Jbloggg123 · 07/01/2023 00:41

Violence is never acceptable regardless of who does it

OP posts:
MeridianB · 07/01/2023 07:08

Choccolatte · 07/01/2023 00:13

I agree you shouldn't put up with violence. However to say you treat him as you would your own child is disingenuous. If you did you wouldn't have mentioned the step bit so readily. I say this as a step parent and understand the difference. The advice would be very different if he was your son. That said you need to act strongly.

Why be so rude?

OP raised him since he was three and is trying to give him the chance of a future without a criminal record, in the face of huge provocation.

Not being SS’s biological parent is completely relevant to this situation.

TallTalesForShortAdults · 07/01/2023 07:10

My Ss is not constantly violent and he is OK with my YO

I'm not sure that matters. It's like saying it's fine my child sees my husband beat me up because he doesn't touch the child.

It's still not an okay environment for your 6 year old to be in.

And if your wife won't protect him or shelter him from that environment then I'd be going to court to make sure I got custody and to help with that I'd be reporting the incidents to the police so there is a record of the situation and the environment your SS creates.

MeridianB · 07/01/2023 07:23

I agree with @AnneLovesGilbert OP

He is not likely to stop or change in the current circumstances. And of course your wife is key to this. If she has not supported you and allows her son to stay then she leaves you with little choice. Are you and your 6yo able to leave and go to your other property, at least for a while?

Worth considering how shared custody will look if your wife remains living with her 18yo. Do you think he could become violent towards her or your 6yo?

More broadly, I would hope that you would get the same reaction and support on here and IRL as a woman would if she was being assaulted by a SS or SD.

I’m sorry this has happened.

fajitaaaa · 07/01/2023 07:46

Put your child first! Get the hell out of there.

itsgettingweird · 07/01/2023 08:08

Report to the police.

Leave and take your 6yo if he isn't removed from the house and not he can't return or your wife doesn't make him move out.

Anything less than that makes you complicit in your young child witnessing domestic violence.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 07/01/2023 08:09

I'd give him an ultimatum, he moves out or you report him to the cops. Though you have to mean it and follow through if he won't go.

Irisheyesareshining · 07/01/2023 08:15

I totally understand the awful position you’re in, parents always protect their kids no matter what . You tell your wife and him if he assaults you again you will report him to the police . At the moment he’s doing it as he can get away with it with no consequences. Your wife is doing him an injustice a well as the assaults may start happening outside the home and he end up getting arrested anyway .

boomboom109283 · 07/01/2023 08:19

What does your steps son do? Does he have a job? College? Friends? What are his life plans?

SpaceshiptoMars · 07/01/2023 08:45

boomboom109283 · 07/01/2023 08:19

What does your steps son do? Does he have a job? College? Friends? What are his life plans?

I was wondering about this. Probably the source of the anger. Lack of routine during the pandemic, poor grades, unattractive future, nothing to get out of bed for.

Only the police and social services can make him leave, but you could move security in...

Original poster
Jbloggg123 · 07/01/2023 08:48

Irisheyesareshining · 07/01/2023 08:15

I totally understand the awful position you’re in, parents always protect their kids no matter what . You tell your wife and him if he assaults you again you will report him to the police . At the moment he’s doing it as he can get away with it with no consequences. Your wife is doing him an injustice a well as the assaults may start happening outside the home and he end up getting arrested anyway .

Thank you for your kind words.
Our other property is at the other end of the country so that is not an option.
I have already said that if it happens again it will get reported.
I have sought help through various means but keep hitting a brick wall. I do feel as though there is no real help out there.
I have started divorce proceedings, I can't afford to move out. I feel trapped and can't leave my YO in the house without me. I avoid contact with my SS and wife as much as possible, I am always trying to make her se what she has done to our family through her actions, but she is in complete denial.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jbloggg123 · 07/01/2023 08:50

SpaceshiptoMars · 07/01/2023 08:45

I was wondering about this. Probably the source of the anger. Lack of routine during the pandemic, poor grades, unattractive future, nothing to get out of bed for.

Only the police and social services can make him leave, but you could move security in...

Show quote history

None of the above...he is doing well at 6th form, so he has routine... infact before the last time he punched me I wS discussing his options for university.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 07/01/2023 08:51

You have a young ds to protect, I’d seek legal advice on this matter

MeridianB · 07/01/2023 08:57

infact before the last time he punched me I wS discussing his options for university.

Perfect. This is not someone I’d want my child at Uni with.

What exactly did your wife do or say the first and subsequent times he punched you?

RedHelenB · 07/01/2023 09:08

Jbloggg123 · 06/01/2023 22:17

Yes I understand all that everyone is saying and I am trying to shield my young son from all that is happening but I have bought my stepson up since he was 3 so consider him to be mine.
I just am looking for a legal way of getting him removed from the family home, reporting him will not have that effect just give him a record and potentially destroy his future.

You can't if your wife isn't in agreement. Other than separate and you take over the mortgage and buy her out.

SpaceshiptoMars · 07/01/2023 09:09

I would think hard about that last discussion and what it might have triggered in him. Fear? Anxiety about not living up to expectations?

If he is doing well at school, maybe things are not as dire as they could be. Have you tried family therapy? I've got through some pretty sticky patches with my dsc and therapy was crucial for all of us.

MeridianB · 07/01/2023 09:15

SpaceshiptoMars · 07/01/2023 09:09

I would think hard about that last discussion and what it might have triggered in him. Fear? Anxiety about not living up to expectations?

If he is doing well at school, maybe things are not as dire as they could be. Have you tried family therapy? I've got through some pretty sticky patches with my dsc and therapy was crucial for all of us.

Why should the OP think about what part of a conversation may have caused SS to punch him (again)?

Would you ask a woman in this situation this question?

No one should be punching anyone, for any reason.

Original poster
Jbloggg123 · 07/01/2023 09:16

SpaceshiptoMars · 07/01/2023 09:09

I would think hard about that last discussion and what it might have triggered in him. Fear? Anxiety about not living up to expectations?

If he is doing well at school, maybe things are not as dire as they could be. Have you tried family therapy? I've got through some pretty sticky patches with my dsc and therapy was crucial for all of us.

I have never pushed my kids into anything. He didn't know if he wanted to go to university or not, the discussion we had was me suggesting that he applies anyway just in case.....I'm afraid things have gone too far for therapy, my wife's complete lack of support for me and lack of understanding what potential impact this is having on our YO is all a step too far.

OP posts:
fajitaaaa · 07/01/2023 09:16

Jbloggg123 · 07/01/2023 08:50

None of the above...he is doing well at 6th form, so he has routine... infact before the last time he punched me I wS discussing his options for university.

Show quote history

Right. Well he shouldn't be going to uni. Call the police.

SpaceshiptoMars · 07/01/2023 09:29

MeridianB · 07/01/2023 09:15

Why should the OP think about what part of a conversation may have caused SS to punch him (again)?

Would you ask a woman in this situation this question?

No one should be punching anyone, for any reason.

Show quote history

Because dss is 18 and still at school. I would have gone for intervention as the first port of call. Just me perhaps, but unless junior is a known bully, I'd be wanting to know why they snapped.

Original poster
Jbloggg123 · 07/01/2023 09:31

I still love and care for my SS, I sincerely hope it is just teenage angst he is dealing with.
I will contact the police just so the assaults are on record but as I have stated, I don't want him to have criminal record.

OP posts:
Littlegoth · 07/01/2023 09:34

You actually can just take him and go, unless there’s a CAO in place. You can go to court to have a prohibited steps order put in place. You should report the assaults. You can request a section 7 is done by social services before you agree to contact at the marital home. It’s a safeguarding issue. There’s plenty you can do to keep him safe.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 07/01/2023 09:43

I expect someone with better knowledge will be along shortly, but I don’t think you reporting his behaviour will lead to a criminal record. To get a record, he would have to be tried and convicted in court. It doesn’t sound as if your STBX wife would support your ‘allegation’ anyway, so it would be difficult to prove. I suppose he might be given a caution, but it’s a pretty grey area as it is I presume all hearsay.

Do you think that he may be upset at your split and he is taking out his resentment on you? You seem to be the main father figure in his life, maybe this violence is a misplaced attempt to win and maintain your attention, or to persuade you to stay , or just to punish you. Could you access some pastoral care for him, and try to make him understand that your relationship with him can continue after the divorce. He is an adult, his mother can’t control who he sees. You wouldn’t abandon a blood child under these circumstances, and it doesn’t sound as if you want to cut ties with him.

good luck, I really hope you can sort this out to your mutual well being.

Original poster
Jbloggg123 · 07/01/2023 09:45

And how would I fund just leaving my home. I have no family nearby.

OP posts: