When do step kids stop visiting?

[TheDietStartsTomorrowOrMaybeTheDayAfter]

Wasn’t really sure how to word that title tbh. I absolutely adore DSS but it’s got to the point where he’s a teenager and DH drives 50 miles to get him EOW and then DSS sits in his room all weekend. He’s the same at home apparently. The visits just seem a bit pointless and perfunctory tbh. My DH is considering discussing it with DSS and letting him take the lead on when he’d like to come but is worried that he won’t want to (we live somewhere really boring!!) I don’t want DH to think I’m saying I don’t want DSS to come up (because I do) but I don’t want the visits to become more about our wants than his.

Anyone else had this? What did you do?

I think that sounds like fairly normal teenage behaviour. If he is asked if he wants to keep coming, it will sound like you don't want him,
We have a 15 year old. Does he like food (probably will!), could his father and him cook Sunday cooked breakfast for everyone together? My son and OH do this, lots of interaction comes out of that. They also cook steaks together, son now takes the lead and is pretty good. Does he have an interest that OH could show an interest in? DS and OH watch (rather nerdy) history videos by Mark Fenton on YouTube together. Does he support a football team?

DSS is changing and you need to keep establishing the bond. I can't remember if you say you have your own kids, but the same will happen as they get older.

He should keep coming. It's important that he maintain an active connection with his dad. It doesn't matter if he's less communicative. That's just teenagers. What matters is your dp not dropping his end of the rope.

It sounds like your husband needs to find some common ground and take him out somewhere.

So they get 100/200? miles in the car together, which is often quite a good time to chat to a teen as there’s no awkward eye contact.

When my own DC got to about that age I made it clear they could decide their own routine. They've stuck to EOW at either house (we have 50/50) and yes, they spend most of it sitting in their room but that's normal teenage behaviour. They're not 'visiting', it's their home.

It sounds like your husband needs to find some common ground and take him out somewhere.

Teenagers of that age don't necessarily want to be dragged everywhere by their parents, they are generally happy with what they are doing. It's always the parents that don't like it.

You don’t have to ask him whether he wants to keep coming, but at 15 his dad can open up conversations about what DS needs and wants their relationship to look like and how best to facilitate it so that it works for his DS.

Quite often teenagers feels deeply obligated to just keep doing contact the way they did when they were 10. Even though it means they can’t participate properly in social activities or whatever. They don’t want to upset dad so they just don’t say anything.

I certainly did. Even at 17 I felt totally obligated to do EOW contact with my dad where he lived on the other side of the city, and I didn’t feel that I could make plans to see my friends in the city centre because I was supposed to be seeing my dad. It wasn’t great at all. But I couldn’t say anything because I knew my dad would take it as a rejection and be difficult. Whereas when I was home at my mum’s, I mostly spent my time with my friends - staying at their houses/having them stay over, going into town, and so on. I didn’t want to replicate that at a different house EOW (even if I felt I could); I just wanted to be able to hang out with my friends on our side of the city.

There are ways to create openings for your DSS to tell you what his needs for his relationship with his dad. He’s growing up and it’s positive that things change. Getting him to feel confident that his dad will never feel rejected or upset about him wanting to do things differently is important.

He might be totally happy with EOW at dad’s where he hangs out in his room. Or he might want things to change in some way but not have any idea how to make that happen. Or even what that would look like. Give him easy, safe opportunities to talk about it and be open to doing things differently.

In the longer term, it’s extremely positive because DSS and his father will be able to have their relationship the way that works for them, rather than according to set patterns of contact.

DH’s daughter is 18 and has a weekend job now. She still comes every other weekend but often will only stay the Friday/Saturday night instead of the whole weekend. They live near so it’s easy for her to pop back and forth, and he drives her around quite a lot too. I do think when they get in to their older teens the ‘formal’ arrangement becomes more fluid because they want to be more independent, be with their friends etc.

The sitting in their room thing - that’s what they do. I think it shows they see the place as another ‘home’ and not that they’re on a formal visit where they have to be different? DH’s daughter is always playing her video games online with her friends, not just sitting. She does the same at her mums. I have been known to comment that she’s come to spend time with her dad and just exists in the same space, but it is what it is.

The time they are spending in the car is important.

Also- life happens. Major bust up with their other parent, health issues, death. In those cases, they can be with you into adulthood and beyond.

If he hasn't said he doesn't want to come you don't suggest it. It's only EOW and as PP said, the car journey is a great time to bond.

I'm surprised you think he doesn't want to come if he's not mentioned it, it does sound as if it's only you with the issue. It's his second home and that's his Dad. Also think it's a bit unfair you expect his Mum to do more than she already is, twice a month isn't a lot. My teens live with me and I still barely see them unless they're hungry, it is not pointless or perfunctory for them to still live with me.

That’s great, thanks. I knew you’d be understanding on this board. TBH, my son who is a few years older might as well not live here the amount of time we see him. He’s always on the PlayStation in his room! I liked the comment about him seeing it as his home if he feels he can just lounge around.

I think in your case it would be quite risky to ask DSS whether he wants to come. He might well say no due to sheer laziness but EOW is hardly any time as it is and I think seeing him less would really be to the detriment of his relationship with his dad. I also echo posters above who say that the car time is valuable.

I have teen DSDs and contact looks different to when they were little but it is far more than EOW and we live close by so it's easy for them to pop over for a meal and stay over on school nights etc.

When DSS leaves his room they work on DH’s mancave so, yes, they have a common interest. Nice to see actually as I hate DIY. DH had been teaching him how to wire plugs etc.

My DSs both say it is not about the doing fun stuff no they re teens it is just about hanging in the house with Dad, watching the same film, him showing them how to change the oil on the car, wire a plug, do a bbq.
They imply want to company of their Dad

Yes to this

The visits just seem a bit pointless and perfunctory tbh. it's not a visit. It's the time when he lives with his dad.

The visits just seem a bit pointless and perfunctory tbh.

That's like saying the time my kids are at my house - their home - is pointless and perfunctory. Of course it's not. You only feel this way because they are stepchildren.

Why do you assume his mum should have responsibility for him extra times because his visits seem pointless? Presumably he still needs parenting and that's a responsibility for his dad to discharge, no matter what they're doing during it.

It reads like you're sick of the travelling involved for your partner and trying to think of a way to wind it up that doesn't make you look bad.

To be fair if op is the one doing the drive she can absolutely say I'm not doing that drive anymore and the parents have to sort out ferrying the kids around.

And not be the bad guy because unless her DH is a total nobber, he would understand that's a long way to travel and actually op isn't a taxi driver (sorry unpaid taxi driver)

She doesn't say she is the one doing the drive. She agrees it is good time in the car for father and son, suggesting she doesn't. If she is doing the driving,I agree. But that hasn't been suggested.

Idk tbh I'm thrilled when my DH leaves the house and I can chill so probably seeing someone having a issue with their DH leaving the house for a week hours a tad odd.

That said nothing from what op has put sounds like she's trying to push DSC out. I think it's a reasonable question as teenagers will teenage and as another step child on here has mentioned. Sometimes they feel emotionally obligated to stick to a strict routine (and miss out on friends ect)

DH drives 50 miles to get him EOW

I agree with the comment about the time in the car being useful. My own children, and every child I ever worked with of any age, always spoke more in the car than anywhere else.

My DSs is 45 and still visits every time he falls out with his partner . I am proud to say .